Caffeine Free Hot Drinks
Posted: November 28, 2012 Filed under: Diet- comedy | Tags: ginger water 1 Comment
One of the drawbacks about losing weight is that I am much colder these days. I some how have avoided middle-aged hot flash season so far, but now that I have written that I am sure they will begin soon. I would welcome a little self-created heat because I really don’t want to wear gloves indoors. One thing I find that does help is drinking hot drinks. Not only do they warm the inside of me, but I get to warm my freezing hands on the mug.
I am not a black coffee drinker, wish I were. I really try to limit coffee because it is not calorie free after I add milk and sweetener, which I also try and limit so the my brain does not get into the “I wants sweets” mode that even sweet ‘n low can bring on.
Caffeine after 2:00 in the afternoon can also back fire on me. So that leaves me with herbal teas. Yes, I will drink them, but they always seem a little wimpy in the flavor department so I am not running to the tea cabinet in the afternoon.
What I really want is something hot, no caffeine, no calories and big flavor so it is satisfying, almost like actually eating something. My favorite hot drink that fills all these requirements is hot ginger/lemon water. I drop a knob of peeled ginger root in a teapot with half a squeezed lemon and pour boiling water over it. I let it sit for at least 10 minutes so that the ginger can let lose its essence in the water. I pour the mixture in a mug and then zap it in the microwave to bring it back up to really hot. I add a tiny amount of Splenda, to just cut the sourness of the lemon a little, but not enough to spike my brain with some sweet craving. The best part is that the knob of ginger is good for a couple of pots of hot water before it is spent of its entire spicy flavor.
Sometimes if I think I am hungry I drink a mug or two of hot ginger water and it seems to fill me up and provide enough actual taste that my mouth feels like it had chewed something. Tricking my brain into thinking it had food is my constant goal. I certainly have enough reserves to live on, which I want my body to go ahead and use up without going into some starvation panic and start becoming more efficient. Ginger has been used since the dawning of time to settle stomachs so maybe it makes my stomach happy and therefore makes me happy. Who knows? It is just another tool in the bag of diet tricks — anything to go another day without a cookie.
The Hostess Gift Dilemma
Posted: November 26, 2012 Filed under: Diet- comedy | Tags: bacon, caramels, gifts 7 Comments
Now that the house is decorated for Christmas the next thing on my normal schedule of holiday preparedness events is to make or cook my hostess gift of the year. In my please-don’t-confuse-me-with-Martha-Stewart because I don’t think she has much of a sense of humor, yet I still am very crafty/handy/culinary talented way I like to make a different item from year to year. Last year I made homemade vanilla, which I put into really cute apothecary bottles I ordered from a bottle manufacturer. It was not a hard gift to make, but I had to start making it in September so it had the requisite amount of time to age.
Since I have been busy writing this blog and trying to create new healthy recipes I have done no advance planning for the Holiday season. I usually would have my Christmas shopping done by now and I have barely made a dent in that so far. I clearly have been spending too much time on me this year.
So here is my dilemma. Is it kosher for me to make a hostess gift that is something fattening, decedent and really yummy in a year that I have been promoting weight loss? I think that I am disciplined enough right now to make something that I am not tempted to eat, so I am not in fear for the number on my scale. But is it hypocritical to give others something I clearly would not eat myself? Not that most of the people I might give these gifts too need to lose weight, but I hate to pile on to the holiday calorie mountain.
I am thinking about making some fleur de sel caramels, which are absolutely worth every calorie because they are a moment in heaven. They are a little tricky, but not that time consuming. I have all the right cute containers, labels, wrapping and bows. If I give just a few sinful morsels would it be so bad?
If only I had started some vinegars a few months ago I could have kept my diet themed year. But alas I am too late and I don’t have enough free time to sew, needlepoint or cross-stitch enough non-food items. If only I had not set the bar so high over the last thirty years. I can’t turn into a total Scrooge and not give gifts. Or almost worse, give soaps or lotions, which no one ever uses.
I also would like to give something from a local producer. That gives me a really grinchy-Grinch idea. I could get local bacon and make my famous candy bacon. It is doubly hedonistic being both a sweet and a fat, but then again I could support a local farmer and pork is one of North Carolinas top products.
So weigh in on my ideas and please feel free to suggest others. At this point I am not beyond trolling the Internet, if only I had the time.
Winning the Lottery Won’t Make You Any Thinner
Posted: November 25, 2012 Filed under: Diet- comedy | Tags: Lottery, Wal-mart 1 Comment
While everyone was busy eating turkey and camping our overnight in front of big box stores no one noticed that the Powerball Lottery had gotten up to $325 million. That is because most of the people who are willing to fight for a cheep flat screen TV at Wal-Mart at one in the morning are the same people who regularly buy lottery tickets. That means that Wednesday’s lottery payout is already up to $450 MILLION and now that the media has drawn attention to it being the biggest lottery in history it will probably get even bigger because even people with advanced degrees and all their important teeth go out and buy lottery tickets when the jackpot gets to be ridiculously huge.
I am not one of those people, although I have all my teeth. First of all, I only play games where using your brain helps you win, granted I play a lot of those. But for a one in 175 million odds to win I don’t see any reason to give my money away. The real reason I won’t play the lottery is that I might win and I can think of no better way to ruin your life than to come into an obscene amount of money for which you basically did nothing to earn it.
The downside is so much greater than the upside. First everyone you ever met would want you to give them some money and no matter how much you gave them they would say it was not enough since you got to keep like $275 million after taxes. You would never know if anyone liked you for yourself or just wanted you to like them enough to give them some money. Even though I love the friends I have now I also like to make some new friends and that would just have to stop.
Second managing all that money is a full time job and not really the job I want. Granted I could make some big difference in the world like helping end hunger, but that is another full time job. All that money comes with too many jobs.
Third, it would ruin my child’s life. I know or knew too many rich kids who never had a reason to work and ended up miserable or dead at a young age.
Lastly, winning the lottery would not help me get any thinner. Yes, I could go live at a spa until I reached my goal weight, but not really since all that money came with all that work of managing it. I could not continue to grow my own healthy food for fear of being kidnapped while out in the garden.
So I think the old saying “You can’t be too rich or too thin” just is not true, especially for me. I think winning the lottery is just a recipe for unhappiness and obesity.
Christmas Threw Up Today at My House
Posted: November 24, 2012 Filed under: Diet- comedy | Tags: Christmas, decorating, ornaments Leave a comment
There are two things I can guarantee about Thanksgiving weekend, one was the Mexican restaurant visit I told you about yesterday and the other is that Christmas throws up at our house on the Saturday after Thanksgiving. With turkey day being so early this year the Christmas stuff will be up almost a whole extra week.
I love Christmas and especially decorating for Christmas. It started when I was a kid and my mother always got a tree that went to the ceiling of our barn big living room. It was so tall that it had to be wired to the rafters. I look back at pictures of my childhood trees and think it is a huge mess with its giant colored lights, gold garland rope the large clumps of Styrofoam ornaments not more than four feet from the ground that my mother let us put on.
When I was in boarding school I was a Christmas cadet. That meant I was one of five girls who dressed in red and green elf-like clothes and would stand up at dinner and announce various holiday related information. I was often wrapped in lights and my math teacher Ruth Elmore always let me plug in and blink during class. I also was the countdown cadet. I had index cards numbered from 100 to 0 on a ribbon and every hour I would flip a card and at a glance let anyone who was interested know exactly how many hours we had until we were able to go home for Christmas break. I don’t remember a lot of studying for exams, but I do remember the hour cards.
In college I got a tree for my off campus house and began collecting ornaments, many of which I still have. Christmas ornaments are my souvenirs of choice whenever I go on a trip. It is so fun to talk about all the places we have been while we decorate the tree. Consequently I have to have a very large tree to hold so many memories.
We built a special place in our house just for the tree. Up until the time Carter was about 8 we had a live 14-foot tree. That last live tree year as we were decorating it we got a call from a good friend of Russ’ from business school, Sylvia. She had been diagnosed with late stage lung cancer at the age of 39. It was devastating to us. A few hours later after the tree was all decorated it fell over and many of my most beloved ornament we destroyed. I stood looking at the tree on its side with all the lights hanging off and the shards of broken colored glass strewn across the floor and burst into tears. Carter had a special ornament that had been signed by Christopher Radko, the maker, especially to her that had been broken. She came up and saw it and put her little hand on my shoulder as I cried and I was sure was going to be upset. Instead and said, “Mommy, at least we are not sick like Daddy’s friend.” Talk about putting it all in perspective.
The next year we got a 14-foot fake tree and have never looked back. Every year as I put the tree up I think about Sylvia who we lost that year. The ornaments lost in the fall have been replaced by new ones, this year by the many ones I needle pointed as a new Christmas obsession, but the friends and family who have passed away can never be replaced, just remembered.
I hope that whatever your tradition, you take some time to think about those you love and those you miss. If you come to my house, and you are welcome to visit anytime, don’t think about how much Christmas has thrown up all over my house, but instead about how many memories all those decorations represent.
Our Black Friday Tradition
Posted: November 23, 2012 Filed under: Diet- comedy | Tags: Danville, the farm 1 Comment
For so many people the day after Thanksgiving is about shopping, or decorating the house or going to the movies so they have a few hours of being with family without having to talk to each other. Our family tradition is for friends to come up to the farm and after some outdoor wilderness time we go into the thriving metropolis of Danville, Virginia to have lunch and support the local economy.
For so many people the day after Thanksgiving lunch is about a really good turkey sandwich made with all the leftovers, cranberry sauce, stuffing, mayo and as much turkey as they can keep on two slices for bread. For us our day after Thanksgiving means one thing, Mexican food, more precisely El Vallarta.
See my Dad is a preferred customer at El Vallarta so going there with him is like getting into the VIP section of studio 54 back in the day. He has a regular table and all the waiters like him because for Danville, he is a really big tipper. So whenever we go there we get exemplary service and the Mexican food is not bad too boot.
But today things were a little off. First, our friends the Toms were in Florida for Turkey day and they were missing their annual trek to the farm. This caused quite a bit of dissension in their family since Logan would rather be at the farm than almost anyplace and it was sad for my Dad who is particularly fond of all the Toms. Second, when all 13 of us arrived at El Vallarta we discovered at party of 25 at my Dad’s regular table, who had made a reservation. We were shocked that it was taken but, even more so that anyone had ever needed a reservation at El Vallarta.
The worst thing about our Mexican food tradition is that I had to sit through the large chips/salsa/queso consumption prior to the arrival of lunch. But the good news is that El Vallarta has many healthy options if you just tell them to substitute salad for all the rice and beans. I was thrilled to have a yummy cammerones Cancun, which was grilled shrimp and pineapple — nothing resembling a turkey or potato on any of our plates.
After our lunch and a touch of shopping it was back to the farm for games and children driving any number of recreational vehicles all around the farm while my Dad tells stories about the farm, both historic and current day. It’s a tradition that’s hard to beat.
The Secret Sponsors of Thanksgiving
Posted: November 22, 2012 Filed under: Diet- comedy | Tags: Butter Leave a commentI hope that you and yours had a happy turkey day. That everyone around your table got along, that no politics were discussed, that your Aunt brought her traditional sweet potato casserole with the pecan crunch on top and that no children spilled anything on your mother’s heirloom tablecloth that she insists on using, but then holds her breath through the whole meal as gravy and cranberry are dipped upon it.
Our Thanksgiving was small with my sisters staying in Washington, too busy with work to make the drive. My father invited his cousin Rose and her brother and a friend. Although all my cousins, their many children and my Aunt and Uncle were right next door, so we had a great time visiting with them, walking dogs back and forth between the houses, as children who just learned to ride their bikes rode on the farm road free of any cars or tractors to run them onto the verge.
I had made my Thanksgiving meal contributions at home before we got here. I want to report that my crust less pumpkin pie was a huge failure. Since I have made it many times before I am not sure what was off about it. I will attempt it again and update the recipe if I figure out what went wrong.
My father made all the fattening things that make Thanksgiving so happy, like stuffing, mashed potatoes, gravy and green beans. If you asked most Americans who the sponsor of Thanksgiving is, I would venture they would say Butterball or the Turkey Producers of America. Watching my father cook I would say that the secret sponsor of Thanksgiving was Land O’Lakes or the butter producers of America.
My father’s only butter measurement is sticks. “How many sticks of butter should go in the mashed potatoes?” “Should I put just a stick of butter in the green beans?”
Between the butter in pie crusts and pie filling, the butter unnecessarily rubbed on turkey skin (hint, the skin is all fat already, no extra fat needed for it to brown, just high enough heat), the butter in casseroles, vegetables and potatoes and lastly the butter on the table to be slathered on rolls, biscuits and bread I think that butter is the star of the meal.
Really the turkey is just bigger and flashier, but the butter is stealthier in its omnipresence. I am sure that I consumed more butter today than I have in the last three months combined and I only had one small serving of everything, except bread or pies with crusts, just my really poor crust-less pumpkin.
If you ever wonder about conspiracy theories consider this, Thanksgiving is really promoted behind the scenes by big butter business. I would not be surprised if Dick Cheney was the majority stake holder in Butter Inc. Christmas cookies are right around the corner and make my words, Hot Buttered Rum promotions are coming.
It is NOT the Eating Olympics
Posted: November 21, 2012 Filed under: Diet- comedy | Tags: pillsbury crescent rolls, thanksgiving 2 CommentsHere we are on the eve of the biggest eating day of the year. My childhood memories of Thanksgiving is about watching the Macy day parade on TV, not having any breakfast because we are told we are about to eat a giant meal and waiting and waiting and waiting until about 3:00 to eat what has been promised to be the best meal of the year.
By the time 3:00 rolled around we were so hungry and actually so bored from the waiting that it would not have mattered if we were being severed cardboard as long as it had gravy on it. And everything had gravy on it.
In truth I think my sisters and I liked the pillsbury crescent rolls almost the best since it was a treat reserved exclusively for thanksgiving and our parent’s dinner parties. We never got to eat at the dinner parties, but we got to have the crescent rolls for breakfast as we scavenged for food while my parents slept late after late night partying.
The big mistake about those childhood Thanksgivings was the not eating breakfast part. It was a long time from waking up until bird time and that made us throw down the stuffing like we had never had a meal before. I think that there was so much concentration by the adults on all the holiday food that they actually forgot to calculate how much more milk or eggs we needed and did not want us to consume them and thus be short for the sweet potato casserole.
This year we are having Thanksgiving at 2:00. That is a long time from the dinner I will eat tonight. My plan is to try and sleep in a little so I can eat my daily high protein Special K and raspberries at about 10:00. That will give me a four hour window before the main event. If I limit myself to one serving of the good stuff, hold back o. The potatoes and bread and eat a slice of crestless pumpkin pie I should be OK.
The potential pitfall time will be the 8:00 PM leftover-a-rama. It will be too soon for me to have made some healthy turkey soup so I’ve come up with a plan to have an arugula salad with sliced turkey and cranberry on it. Still in the theme of Thanksgiving leftovers but not button popping. The key is for me to have a plan so that I am not tempted by a new food idea. I keep reminding myself that Thanksgiving is not the eating olympics. Friday I will report if I am able not to medal in Thanksgiving.
In Praise of a Supportive Husband
Posted: November 18, 2012 Filed under: Diet- comedy | Tags: husband, Russ 2 Comments
I really have to give it to my husband Russ who has been a fantastic sport through this whole “Less Dana” thing. He has endured not having his favorite or even much food around the house, and never complains when I suggest he eats some leftover for the fourth time during a week. He runs out early in the morning to the Harris Teeter to buy milk when I discover that my morning staple has gone to the dark side.
Russ has not once complained about something potentially embarrassing that I might have written in the blog. Nor has he suggested I skip a day of writing when I remember that I have not posted anything right before we are to go out for the evening.
Today he posted on Facebook the link to my television appearance on the Heart of Carolina Perspectives show and gave another plug for Less Dana. I was on TV in support of the Food Bank’s Heart of Carolina Food Drive. The only way I am able to devote as much time as I do to trying to feed hungry people is because Russ works his A** off at CMG Partners to provide for me and Carter.
He never complains about my lack of earning and often steps in to drive Carter to some appointment when I have a charity commitment. Not once has he said that anything I am doing is less of a priority than what he is doing, when in fact it is. Without him I could do nothing and I am eternally grateful for him and his always-generous ways.
So today I would like to publicly thank the best husband on earth. I would not be where I am today without you. Your constant encouragement, support and love make life much more fun. I know you are the best human on earth because our dog Shay-shay loves you the best and we all know that dogs are much more intuitive than people. I just want you to know that I love you more than Shay-shay does, I just don’t show it by jumping into your arms when you get home like she does.
Not that I wouldn’t want to, but I am thinking about protecting your back.
Sacred Thanksgiving
Posted: November 17, 2012 Filed under: Diet- comedy | Tags: thanksgiving, vegetables 3 Comments
The biggest eating holiday of the year is coming this week. I know that it is a day about giving thanks, but for most of us it is about eating and trying to get along with those you are eating with. No one likes Thanksgiving more than my Dad. He loves to cook and he loves to feed people so this is one of the days he really looks forward to.
The yesterday he called me up furious over an article in his local, no-prize-winning paper entitled the “Healthy Thanksgiving Plate.” It was written by the “community dietitian” whose mere existence I fear for if my father ever meets her. She espoused filling half your plate with low carbohydrate vegetables such as green beans, carrots, greens, broccoli, cabbage, you get the picture. Then she allows you 3 ounces of white turkey meat, no gravy, no skin, no flavor. Lastly you get half a cup of either potatoes or stuffing. She wanted you to have some apples or pears for dessert. And forget the wine.
The idea of this being a celebration made my father crazy. He got the wicked idea that I should read this menu to Carter and tell her this is what we were having for Thanksgiving, but include the good news we were not having oyster dressing at her request. With a maniacal laugh he said, “The idea of this being our meal will make Carter almost as furious as I am.”
For me I certainly don’t want to gain an ounce after working so hard to get it off, but even I think this menu is an invitation to the depression zone. Turkey, even the better tasting dark meat is not that bad for you. If you can stay away from the skin go on and eat double what this prisoner of war camp guard dietitian is suggesting.
Yes, eating healthy veggies is your best route, and frankly my stewed tomatoes are almost my favorite part of the meal, but apples or pears for dessert is no celebration. Later this week I will make my crustless pumpkin pie and put the recipe on the blog. You can still have things with the flavors of thanksgiving while not over indulging.
So don’t worry Dad, no one is expecting us to have a spa Thanksgiving, but I am going to have to bypass the Thanksgiving-meal-on-bread late night repast. One leftover-turkey sandwich for the rest of you is fine. That Gestapo dietitian didn’t mention anything about leftovers.
Get Locally Smitten
Posted: November 16, 2012 Filed under: Diet- comedy | Tags: clothing, Nancy McKaig, Shopping, Smitten 2 CommentsMany women find shopping to be their sport of choice. One of my sisters even had as her high school yearbook quote, “when the going gets tough, the tough go shopping.” For most women the idea of having to buy a new smaller sized wardrobe excites them. I am not most woman.
I have never found strolling through stores looking at stuff very much fun. The older I get the worse it is. I am getting to be more and more anti-stuff. Early on in life I identified one the reasons I hate to shop is that many of the people who work in big giant corporately owned chains are not really interested in my business. I like it when someone is glad I might buy something from her and does not look at helping me as a burden.
I am glad to lose weight, but the finding clothes to wear part is completely draining.
Yes, I like being able to shop in “regular” sized people clothing stores rather than “giant” sized but for the most part I really don’t give a hoot about new clothes. Almost more than my dislike for shopping is my dislike of spending money on something I see as temporary. I need clothes to fit me now, but I am hoping that the clothes I buy now won’t fit me next winter.
This week has been a killer on the clothing front. I had to be in a TV show, go to two luncheons; a press conference, a board meeting and now I have two cocktail parties this weekend and church. I should have had a wardrobe department to help me out.
I realized when I got an instructional email about the “Festive” attire for one of the parties that I needed to step up my game and broke down and went to a store. I picked the store strategically so that I could not get arrested because a clerk infuriated me, keep my sense of humor and still find something to wear in less than two hours.
I went to a local boutique called Smitten owned by Nancy McKaig and hit the jackpot. First, Nancy is great at making sure you get the help you need and the people who work there make it fun while still being helpful. Second, she has different things than you see in every store in the mall so you won’t see yourself coming and going. The bonus was that she had two artists, Amanda Davis and Baba Berthe setting up their jewelry and accessories for a weekend show and if you bought something from them you got 20% one thing from Smitten.
Well I found a great scarf from Amanda, which was practically free because I got 20% off a dress for the “festive attire” party, cha-ching! I also feel great about supporting a local business that means the money I spend here stays here and keeps local people employed. Why didn’t I think to go to Smitten at the beginning of the week? I’m not changing my attitude about shopping, but I am a lot happier to have another dress in my closet that fits.
Hearts, Livers and Kidneys, They Just Aren’t All Equal in the English Language
Posted: November 15, 2012 Filed under: Diet- comedy | Tags: bless her heart 1 CommentAmerican Idioms are what has got to make learning English really tough. One of my favorite people whose native tongue is Chinese thinks the phrase is “When push goes to shovel.” It makes more sense to her especially since she did not know what a shove was to begin with.
I was having lunch with someone whose English skills are still developing when another person at the table said, “Bless her heart, she was trying to lose weight and then covered her salad in blue cheese dressing,” about someone who was not there. My non-American friend asked me if blue cheese dressing was bad for your heart. I tried to explain that yes it was, but that was not why the other woman was saying, “Bless her heart.”
That conversation led us to the idiom, “Her heart was in the right place, but…” This phrase also confused my foreign friend. “How do you know where someone’s heart is?” she asked.
After explaining that we were not really talking about peoples’ actual hearts, but their intentions we just made things worse. It really got me thinking about how Southern women feel perfectly comfortable saying something nasty about someone by including “their heart” in the conversation.
There are so many wonderful idioms using “heart” such as “to win someone’s heart,” “take heart,” or “to warm the cockles of someone’s heart.” But saying ones “Heart was in the right place,” usually means something did not go well even though that was not ones original intent.
Since I am not fluent in any other language I am wondering if other cultures bring people’s hearts into the conversation or are other body parts mentioned? Really our liver is almost as important as our hearts, why does it not get any play in the catch phrase lineup?
Somehow our hearts were associated with love and therefore won out in the organ Olympics, but our kidneys are pretty darn important and most of us have two of them. You would think that because of sheer number they would garner some respect, but I have never heard anyone say, “Cross my kidney and hope to die.”
One thing is for sure if a Southerner is Talking About Your Heart It Might Be An Insult. Really, if I wanted to talk badly about someone I am more likely to discuss their colon or prostrate, at least it might sound more polite than calling them an outright ass.
For me, I would be happy to accept your blessings if I sneezed or something, but please leave my heart out of it, especially if you are southern.
For the Love of Ugly Shoes
Posted: November 13, 2012 Filed under: Diet- comedy | Tags: Dansko, High Heels, shoes 1 Comment
The other day I visited the shoe show room, otherwise known as her new closet, of a friend who is shoe obsessed. It was like visiting a great museum, perhaps one owned by a Medici in Florence Italy. Each pair was a beautiful sculpture, all heels, terribly high, some with platforms making them even higher, in a rainbow of colors, textures and adornments.
I was overwhelmed with their elegance and at the same time thrilled that I did not have to wear them. There I was, standing in the holy grail of shoes wearing perhaps the ugliest pair of shoes I have ever owned feeling like I was on cloud nine.
I had recently visited a store dedicated to comfortable shoes that my friend of high heel heaven would not be caught dead in. I was looking for the winter equivalent to my Dansko sneakers I had been wearing all summer. The sales person showed me Dansko’s newest black leather slip-on that without a doubt looked like something that Valerie the wife of Miracle Max would wear. What, you don’t know who Valerie is? She was the character played by Carol Kane in The Princess Bride movie that was married to Billy Crystal’s character. She is clearly at the bottom of any style scale. That is how ugly these shoes are.
The best part about being middle age is that I finally learned not to judge a book by its cover, or a shoe by how it looks, but by how it feels. So without a moment’s hesitation I tried these clodhoppers on. AHHHHHHHH. Such nirvana and chocolate was not even involved.
Without asking the price I told the sales person I would be wearing these shoes out, and off I went. These shoes have practically cured me of the plantar fasciitis that has plagued me for the last year and they add a spring to my step that encourages me to walk faster and farther. My feet actually feel better in these shoes than out of them. I am trying to figure out how I can sleep in them without soiling my bed linens.
So I may not be in fashion, but boy do my feet feel good. I am happy to admire the gorgeous foot wear my friend sports, but I can’t imagine going the distance in it. To me ugly never felt so good.
Why George Jetson and Fred Flintstone Were in the Wrong Bodies
Posted: November 12, 2012 Filed under: Diet- comedy | Tags: Fred Flintstone, george Jetson, space food sticks 1 CommentIf you are of a certain age you know exactly who George Jetson and Fred Flintstone are so you can skip down three paragraphs. For the rest of you here is what you missed in your childhood.
George Jetson was the cartoon dad of the space age future. He was relatively thin, he did not have to lift a finger because his whole world was automated to the point that his dog, Astro, could walk himself on a treadmill and he ate overly processed space age food. George worked a desk job at a computer in an office and commuted via flying car.
Fred Flintstone was the cartoon dad of the caveman past. He was big and fat and did a lot of manual labor. Fred ate brontosaurus ribs and other giant chunks of mammoth meat; he commuted to work via foot-powered car and had a long climb into his dinosaur rock mover at the quarry he worked in.
If George Jetson and Fred Flintstone were actual people George would be fat and Fred would be thin. Here are the reasons:
- Overly processed foods will make you fatter than food that comes closer to its natural state. Water is much better for you than artificially flavored, over sugared Tang. A piece of actual unadulterated meat, even if it was T-Rex is healthier than the space food sticks of the sixties ever were.
- A foot-powered vehicle provides exercise that a flying car could never match.
- A desk job encourages backside spread where manual labor burns more calories.
As far as I am concerned Hanna-Barbera, the creators of both George and Fred, have done a great disservice to my entire generation. They portrayed Fred’s lifestyle as one that would make you fat and George’s as one that would make you thin when all evidence is to the contrary. Of course all their wives were thin, but then again all women on TV must be thin, even in cartoons.
If I ever have to choose between a space-aged life and a cave man life I think I’ll take the later, I just think it is healthier to be a Fred than it is to be a George.
Live Your Dream
Posted: November 10, 2012 Filed under: Diet- comedy | Tags: Blue Bloods, CBS, Donnie Wahlberg, Megan Ketch 5 CommentsLast night I had the thrill of watching my wonderful friend Megan Ketch in a guest staring role on CBS TV’s Blue Bloods. Megan was Carter’s baby sitter for five years and became a very important member of our family. As Megan was graduating from high school she started as Carter’s Nanny and continued all her years through UNC. Megan had a singular dream of becoming an actress. She was a drama major at Chapel Hill and we had the pleasure of going to all her college performances.
Carter was a fixture at the Paul Green and the Kenan theaters when she was two to four often accompanying Megan to rehearsals. I can remember walking down Franklin Street with Carter when she was about three and having some college boy scream, “Hello Carter,” from across the street. When I asked her who he was Carter said, “Oh, he’s Hamlet with Megan.”
After UNC Megan moved to New York City to pursue her dream. She went to NYU’s prestigious graduate program in acting and graduated last year. Today she is a working actress. Her role as Detective Kate opposite Donnie Wahlberg on Blue Bloods will run for a few more weeks, but I will predict is just the beginning for Megan.
Megan had a dream that started in fourth grade when she wrote a play about Harriet Tubman casting herself as the lead role with little care that she was white. Becoming an actor is not an easy job, but that never deterred Megan.
After leaving North Carolina Megan found other families whose children she would care for and love as she was learning her craft. It has been many years of hard work but that is what someone who is passionate does. Hard work is what it takes to achieve success, especially in something as hard and competitive as acting.
Megan has the advantage of having a wonderful family who believes in her, is emotionally supportive and a large number of friends and ardent admirers, but she still has to do the work. Megan is an inspiration to me all the time.
I tell you this story because I want you to think about what your dream is and consider how close you might be to attaining it. We all have dreams, but most people don’t really think they can reach theirs. Megan is proof that you can. So dust off that dream if you have left it on a shelf for a while. Make a plan about how you might make it come true and take a baby step or two towards it.
And watch out for Megan Ketch, no matter what she does in her life she is an inspiration.
The Secret to Diet Success is a Four Letter Word
Posted: November 8, 2012 Filed under: Diet- comedy, Weight loss | Tags: soup 1 CommentWhen anyone asks me what the secret is to losing any amount of weight I tell him or her it is a four-letter word. For those of you who know me, you know I know a lot of four letter words which I use often and with gusto, but none more than the “S” word. Before you think laxatives are involved the word is “S-O-U-P.”
That fact has not been evident during the last few months in the blog because soup is not most people’s go to food in the warm weather, but as the days are growing shorter, (Can you grow shorter?) and our part of the world has less light you need to add more soup to your meals.
Not all soups are equal so don’t get excited about jumping into a big bowl of broccoli cheese or New England clam chowder, that is unless that is all you are planning on having. I am talking about broth based, mostly vegetable soups or creamy ones made with fat free condensed milk. My strategy is that as long as I have one or two homemade soups in the fridge I have the best defense against hunger.
Starting a meal with a small cup of hot soup or having one as a four-in-the-afternoon-I-think-I-need-a-cookie deterrent some how sends a message to your brain that you have had real food and tends to turn off or at least down the hunger pangs that seem to attack you like “Twilight” wolves.
Making homemade soup is so easy, but if you really don’t want to cook you can use canned, just get the ones that are lower in calories and make sure you know what the serving size of the can is. It is easy to read the calorie amount and only after you ate the whole thing find out you just ate three servings.
In the spirit of teaching you not just my recipes, but how to think like a chef and try and make things up I am going to post three or four different kinds of soups over the next couple of weeks with notes on making variations to them.
As the eating holidays are approaching having soup around is your best weapon to party food. No matter what kind of event I am going to I have a cup of soup at home before I go and then I am much less tempted by the “This holiday only comes around once a year” food being pushed my way.
So save yourself from those four letter words that come out of your mouth when you stand on the scale and stock up on SOUP.
I Miss My Fat Blanket
Posted: November 7, 2012 Filed under: Diet- comedy | Tags: cold, not body heat 1 Comment
I really did not time this whole weight loss thing right. Just as my challenge ends the weather has turned suddenly cold, like forget about fall and jump right into winter cold. The problem is that as I have lost weight I have also lost the ability to produce a normal body temperature.
As I was freezing at Mah Jongg this morning a friend told me she thought that the body burned more calories when it was cold to try and keep warm, but so far I have not proven that theory. I am just down right cold and not appearing to lose any faster. My poor thin dog is cold too. She sits snuggled up beside me with her head on the keyboard trying to steel the warmth my computer is creating.
Not even hot tea is helping; in fact it is hurting because it makes me have to use the restroom more often. If I were a man it might not be so cold to have to use the facilities, but alas I have to pull down my pants, which is not helping me keep what little body heat I have.
Of course I am wearing many layers of clothing, which is hiding my somewhat thinner body. I had one friend stop by the house to bring me a check to pay off her pledge. I heard her at the front door asking my daughter if I was home so she could actually see what I looked like 53 pounds thinner. I know it was a disappointment to her when I came downstairs in two shirts and a sweatshirt and big fluffy socks.
All I can say is I hope she didn’t feel cheated.
Maybe this can be my spring surprise. If this lack of body heat keeps up I will have to keep adding layers of clothing as I continue to lose weight. Perhaps by the time warm weather returns I can emerge from my cocoon a thinner butterfly. What am I thinking? Never in my loud life would I be considered a butterfly. Right now I just want to be a firefly and have my butt be able to warm me up.
I am not advocating anyone being fat in order to be warm, but I am wondering how you really skinny people make it through the winter. I still have a good layer on me and I am this cold I can’t imagine what it is going to be like in another 30 pounds. Let’s hope I can find out before I turn blue.
My Life as A Hybrid
Posted: November 5, 2012 Filed under: Diet- comedy, Weight loss | Tags: emergency energy reserves, fat back up, hybrid Leave a comment
We recently got a hybrid car. You know the kind, sometimes it drives on a gas engine and sometimes it drives on a battery engine. The crazy thing is that the car charges the battery itself when I drive it or when I break. How do it do it? Don’t ask me. But I really love to watch the gauges that tell me when I am driving for free on battery and hate when I use gas. I probably should turn that feature off in the name of keeping my eyes on the road.
As I was driving to Raleigh today watching the dial move from gas to battery power I realized that for the last six months I have become somewhat of a Hybrid. I put food in, which is akin to gasoline and sometimes I am running on the food I have eaten and sometimes I am running on my battery of fat storage.
If I take in more food than I burn then it goes into battery storage as fat, but if I am smart I take in a little less fuel than I need to run thus moving into battery back-up and burn up fat. The dial I have to use is the scale so I am only finding out after the fact that I was efficient or not.
What I really want is the real time indicator that registers when I have depleted all the food energy and have started in on the long life fat stores. Before I started this diet I could have been considered a strategic energy reserve site, like the government keeps for emergencies. Now, I am about half a reserve, not enough to be considered strategic, maybe just a tactical reserve.
I know children who are such excellent hybrids that you can actually see them completely run down when their food energy runs out and they have no fat reserves to switch over too. I don’t know many adults who live that close to the edge and I am not anticipating ever running that low on fat back-up, but it sure will be fun to see if I can get to be that efficient.
I have learned some lessons from my car, which I need to reverse for my hybrid body. First, driving up a hill at a normal speed almost always requires gas to be used. Going really fast or speeding up suddenly also requires gas. Driving at a steady pace is battery friendly. When I take these insights and apply them to my body it teaches me that in order to burn more fat I need to go up more hills, faster and more erratically. So if you see me out running up the hill by my house and I look like I might have been drinking know that I am just pretending to be my car.
Facebook Ads are Stalking Me
Posted: November 3, 2012 Filed under: Diet- comedy | Tags: advertisments, facebook 1 CommentI wonder how much weight I have to lose for Facebook to stop making all the ads they post on my page about weight loss? Granted I write a diet blog but I am not interested in what Dr. Oz says about dieting or how green coffee works to speed up your metabolism.
My trainer Tom told me a story about a diet pill manufacture that came to his University and hired a bunch of cute, in shape college athletes. They took their pictures and then asked them to gain 25 pounds each and then took their pictures again. Afterwards they gave them the weight loss pills and said good luck losing weight. They never came back and took their pictures again and never inquired if they lost the weight. When the ads came out the girls before pictures became their after shots.
One ad on Facebook appears to not have even gone to that much trouble. They just stretched the picture sideways. In the time it has taken me to write this the weight loss ads have changed three times on my page and none are believable. I know that everyone wants a simple answer or to be able to just buy a thinner body. I wish I had something to sell. Think how many hungry people I could feed with the ill-gotten gains of promising a thinner body the quick and easy way.
Well I have nothing to sell, but I do have advice. If you need to lose weight, you have to really want to do it because, and I have said this before, it starts in your brain. Your brain has to make the commitment, first and foremost. Trust me, losing weight is exciting and sexy. Maintaining weight loss is the real job.
Any diet will help you get pounds off, but you need to find something you can live on to keep it off. If you do something like Jenny Craig where someone else is making your food and portioning it out and that is all you eat you will lose weight. Unless you plan on buying that food the rest of your life you eventually will need to learn what you can eat and not gain.
It is the same with going the surgery route. You may make your stomach smaller, but you still need to change what you are eating. You need to eat a healthy balanced diet so you might as well go ahead and try and do that before you have surgery. You may find you can do it without going under the knife. I do know people who changed their eating because of the surgery, but I am just not fond of unnecessary hospitalization, there are just too many things that kill people at the hospital.
I guess as long as I write about dieting I am destined to ads for “Three veggies for belly fat” and “the live healthy woman.” What is the alternative, “The dead healthy woman?” The only good news is that at least I am not inundated with political advertisements and that is great for the next four days.
The Day After
Posted: November 2, 2012 Filed under: Diet- comedy, Uncategorized, Weight loss | Tags: heaven, mcDonalds Leave a commentYesterday was e-mail hell and heaven all in one. The hell part was that I had to send out almost 250 personalized e-mails to all you generous supporters who pledged to the campaign. I hope most of you did not feel like I was sending you a bill. I am truly appreciative of how generous you are.
Yesterday was taken up by meeting with a friend to ask them for money for something else, writing my blog which took extra long because I had to figure out how to put all my pictures in side-by-side so you could see a change, going to workout and then spending over seven hours sending out the “end of campaign” e-mails. In between I read so many kind messages from so many of you. Please forgive me if it takes me a while to respond to you all.
Today I went to visit my Uncle who has been undergoing cancer treatment. I had a wonderful visit with him and had a bowl of soup with he and my Aunt. On my way home I was hungry. I pulled into the McDonalds and although a cheeseburger sounded really good I ordered a cup of coffee at the drive through and went on down the road. I felt a little triumphant at that moment. I was alone in the car, with a good 45-minute drive ahead of me and my weigh in tomorrow would not count for anyone except me. I made the right choice and I did it just for me.
I was rewarded when I pulled into the parking lot at Carter’s school. When she got in the car she told me how a substitute teacher at school today, who is not someone who was one of my supporters or a registered follower of my blog, called her name in the role stopped when Carter said, “here.” Carter said that the sub then said, “Class, did you know that Carter’s mom just lost 53 pounds.”
I looked at Carter and said, “Sorry, was that embarrassing?” She looked right at me and said, “No, Mom. I am proud of you.” It was a little slice of heaven for the mother of a thirteen year old.
Your Final Number, But Not Mine
Posted: November 1, 2012 Filed under: Diet- comedy, Uncategorized, Weight loss | Tags: Final Weigh in 6 Comments
Today is November 1, the end of my weight loss challenge to raise money for the Food Bank of Central and Eastern North Carolina. Before I give you the number of pounds I lost I first want to thank all of you who supported me by pledging money, reading the blog, writing comments, posting encouragement on facebook, cheering me on, asking me what I was eating for lunch, working out with me and just generally being the best kind of support I could ever imagine.
I have never had so much fun not eating in my whole life. Even though I am about to tell you good news I am a little sad it is over. I am thrilled with the 226 individuals, families and couples who pledged to the campaign, especially the teenagers who surprised me with their generous pledges. Such self-sacrificing inspired me everyday. That is what I am going to miss.
See, the campaign may be over as far as how much weight I can lose that people will pay for, but my personal weight loss must go on. Today I will eat nothing different than I ate yesterday or last week. I still want to lose at least 35 more pounds. So the blog will go on and I will continue to chronicle this journey and write recipes.
The only thing that will change is that now I begin the money-collecting phase. As of today I have pledges totaling about $679 per pound give or take a little depending on how some individuals did on their personal weight loss wagers. I set a crazy goal to try and raise $50,000. So far I have not met that goal, but I am very hopeful to get close.
The great news is that I surpassed the weight loss goal I predicted and I lost a total of 53 pounds. Good for you people who pledged I did not pass it by much so your payment is not wildly more than I had forewarned. A couple of people worried I would game the system by cutting off a limb, having liposuction or just plain starving myself. I can honestly report I did none of those things. I did not even weigh-in completely naked just to make the number lower.
Thank you for being there. Thank you for helping feed hungry people. Thank you for keeping me laughing. If you pledged you will be receiving a personalized e-mail giving you your pledge amount and campaign total. If you did not pledge it is not too late to give. I have a personalized web page at the Food Bank at http://www.foodbankcenc.org/goto/lessdana, or go to the pledge tab on the blog.
So I toast to you, my benevolent supporters. I do it with my unsweetened Ice Tea as I go out to the garden to harvest my arugula to have for lunch before I go to the gym…just another day.
I’m Going as Superwoman for Halloween
Posted: October 31, 2012 Filed under: Diet- comedy, Weight loss | Tags: candy, kyrptonite, sugar, superman, superwoman 2 CommentsIf I were dressing up for Halloween I would go as Superwoman. Before you even think, “That Damn Dana is so full of herself,” here is my reason. Halloween is all about sugar, candy corn, mini snickers, resses peanut butter cups, skittles, junior mints, rolos, heath bars, hershey’s chocolates, milky ways, nerds, butterfingers, M & M’s I have gained two pounds just writing these things.
See, sugar is my Kryptonite. Superman was powerless around the stuff and just like him sugar can bring me to my knees. When I am away from all things sugar I am fierce. I have will power and can leap tall bakery counters with a single bound. But just one bite of a brownie and my resolve is weakened.
Today is the last day of my weight loss challenge. What was I thinking? Ending on Halloween – my day of greatest challenge. Tomorrow I will get on the scale and report how much weight I have lost since May. I will be sending personalized e-mails to all my supporters to let them know how much money to send the food bank.
But tomorrow is not the end of my healthy eating. With all that candy around I am going to have to double down. The challenge has been great at doing for me what I needed it to do — break the grip that sugar and white flour had on my life. I still have about 35 pounds I want to lose so I have to continue doing exactly what I have been doing, just without any money on the line to keep me motivated.
Even though my accountability will change from those who have pledged to just myself I am going to have to resolve to not be weakened by my personal Kryptonite, sugar. To me, Superman is powerful because he knows his weakness and does everything to stay away from it. I think for many women sugar is their downfall, so we all need to become Superwomen and do our best to steer clear of what we already know cripples us.
Like that mild manner reporter, Clark Kent, I am going to keep blogging. I know that this forum has given me strength to be faster than a speeding bullet or more powerful than a locomotive or maybe just a strange visitor from another planet, as long as I am a skinnier visitor.
CRIME ALERT- The Swiss Chard Murders
Posted: October 30, 2012 Filed under: Diet- comedy, gardening | Tags: Arugula, cauliflower, chinese cabage, leeks, swiss chard 1 Comment
While one third of America was ravaged by the monster storm with the innocent name of Sandy the middle of North Carolina was spared. On opposite ends of my state flooding and hurricane a force winds destroyed part of the outer banks to the east and a huge blizzard is overtaking the western end.
The tri-state area around New York, and all the mid-Atlantic states are without power and flooding is just subsiding as the storm whips up winds and rains as far west at Chicago. While all this devastation and human suffering abounds some criminal picks this time to lay waste to my garden.
Not all the garden, this four footed assassin chose to take out the practically perfect, unsuspecting, innocent Swiss chard. Said chard was murdered in its own home. Tender green leaves ripped from their proud magenta stalks, left shredded and ravaged by this unnamed butcher.
Collateral damage was a large family of romaine lettuce trampled during the invasion. Many gave their lives to try and protect the young greens known as “Swiss” to their friends. The Swiss Chard had a bright future ahead, now cut down in its prime.
No one will ever know the chard and white bean stew that it was destined for. The White Beans were asked to comment but were too dried out from crying to comment. A bunch of leeks have sent their condolences and now await their own chard-less future on a tart made bland without the tangy greens.
Swiss Chard’s neighbors Chinese Cabbage and Cauliflower are worried for their own safety in their war torn neighborhood. Only peppery Arugula stands fearless to protect its turf in this green versus beast bat down.
As our hearts go out to those who are suffering in Sandy’s real devastation please keep a look out for this opportunistic murder who chose now to destroy our sweet Swiss chard whose full potential will never be realized.
Putting It Out There in The Universe
Posted: October 28, 2012 Filed under: Diet- comedy, Weight loss | Tags: lucky, master of your universe 1 CommentI am a fairly practical person. Although I have a faith, I also like the tangible and scientific parts of life. I don’t believe in living life by luck. I do think some people get lucky, but most of the time things happen to us for a reason. That reason is not always of our own making, but more times than not we need to be masters of our own universe.
Yesterday I complained of my scale moving up a pound, today it went down by two. It was not luck or an uneven floor. I put it out there in my blog that it had gone up. That caused me to be extra vigilant in my food choices yesterday and thus the pay off.
Writing about my struggles, or putting it out in the universe, has helped me not hide from them. Once a problem is uncovered I have nothing left to do but face it head on or just be some whining bore. I would prefer to laugh at my problems than have them control me.
Now I am not so naïve to think that gaining a pound one day is really a problem, but ignoring the trend could be. All I am trying to suggest is that no matter what issue you carry around, doing it alone makes it far more heavy than sharing it.
I am going to continue writing, and most of the time I hope what I write is more entertaining than serious, but I want to encourage you to put things out in the universe too and see what happens when you share your burdens. Perhaps you will find the strength you need to fix them, or you will be able to change your perspective on them. Just don’t be controlled, be your own master.
Body Sabotage
Posted: October 27, 2012 Filed under: Diet- comedy, Weight loss | Tags: chips, evita, prayers, scale Leave a commentThe count down to the end of this weight loss challenge has really begun. I have five more days to earn as much as possible for the Food Bank and the pledges are still coming in. I am a long way from $1,000 per pound so the only way to get to $50,000 is to lose as much as possible without doing anything insane like the previously discussed limb removal.
The last two weeks have been very successful, thus giving me hope to bring in the big bucks. That was before I got on the scale this morning. I know that no matter what I eat, even when I eat the exact same foods and amounts of food everyday it does not mean that I will decrease. What I really get furious about is how I can go up despite my best efforts.
Does not my scale know that I am working to feed hungry children? Why does my body decide it needs to retain something, I hope its water, right at this vital point? For true confessions, I did eat two corn chips yesterday. I looked the calorie count up on those and it was 15 calories at the most. That alone should not cause a weight gain of 1.2 pounds. Or should it? Has my body become so virginal that the slightest violation of its purity and it goes into full on whore.
Perhaps I am not praying enough for weight loss. Not that I would waste my prayers on that, there are many more important things that need some divine intervention. And my praying is not that inspirational, but perhaps yours is.
I ask that you pray in any way you do whether it is to a god or your dog, that the world becomes a better place, that those who are sick can feel some relief, those who are lonely can find a friend and those who watch TV can get a phone call right as all the political ads are running.
Paraphrasing the words of Evita, “Don’t pray for me, North Carolina.” But instead, watch me, watch me like a hawk. Don’t let a chip, or a cookie or a bite of coconut cake near my lips. Keep me busy, too busy for even water weight to build up in me. It’s just five more days, five more days to change the world, at least for one small hungry child.
Evelyn Henderson’s Brussels Sprout Farm
Posted: October 26, 2012 Filed under: Diet- comedy | Tags: brussels sprouts, Franklin Mint Leave a commentWhen I was younger I hated Brussels sprouts. The only way I was ever served them was boiled with butter or sometimes with sour cream and a dash of nutmeg. Of course growing up in the 60’s the Brussels sprouts we ate come from a small frozen square box as most of our vegetables did. I know I thought all vegetables grew in those frozen squares.
I am not sure if it was the taste, the texture or the smell of those tiny mini cabbages that I hated the most, but there was nothing appealing about them. When my mother would give them to us she would say we had to eat at least two. Thank goodness two was all she picked, because that was the exact amount my paper napkin could hold. I would pop a whole Brussels in my mouth and then immediately bring my napkin to my mouth and pop the little ball into my paper covered hand, as I appeared to be wiping my mouth. There was no way the napkin could hold three and not have them spill from my lap before I was able to deposit the napkin in the trash under the auspices of helpfully clearing the table.
The summer I stayed in my college town I had three friends, Marilyn, Randy and Bill who also had mistakenly thought Carlisle would be a great place to summer. We spent most hot evenings together after we had finished our boring day jobs. Being poor college students in a sweltering town we would spend most nights at Marilyn’s apartment in the one room with air conditioning.
After eating our communal meal we would watch TV. Don’t ask me what shows we watched because it was not the programming we were interested in. In the pre-QVC, infomercial days we watched for the one minute ads from places such as the Franklin Mint or Columbia Record House that had ads with 800 numbers to call to order what ever was being advertised.
Calling poor unassuming telemarketers was our evenings’ entertainment. The four of us were somewhat theatrical so we would assume different characters to make a call and entertain the rest. My favorite character was Evelyn Henderson, of Henderson’s Brussels Sprout Farm. Think of me with Vickie Lawrence’s southern voice as Mama, just talking much faster. I would dial up the 800 number of the Franklin Mint and could go on for at least 20 minutes about my love for the “Miniature Chinese Vases” they were selling.
I would begin each call the same, “Hi, this is Evelyn Henderson of Henderson’s Brussels Sprout Farm. Please tell me you still have those darlin’ Chinese vases…”
Sometimes my friend Bill would play the role of my husband and pretend to call me from the other room. He would say things like, “Evelyn, you aren’t trying to buy anything from the TV are you?” That would be my out as to why I could not purchase right that minute and would have to call back, keeping those poor telemarketers ever hopeful for a big sale to me.
After a while in the pre-caller id era, the operators began to recognize my voice and would call me by name before I could announce, “This is Evelyn Henderson.” That was when I began to learn more about Brussels sprouts so I could more convincingly carry on conversations with my new telemarketing friends. Sometimes I would get carried away talking about chocolate covered sprouts, but really I was already so far gone discussing commemorative coins and collectable spoons that no one seemed to want to call Evelyn Henderson out as the fraud she was.
Today I actually like Brussels sprouts, at least roasted and I guess I owe that to Evelyn Henderson and those long hot nights in Carlisle and all the operators at the Franklin Mint.
Love Jeans, Hate Jeans Shopping
Posted: October 25, 2012 Filed under: Diet- comedy, Weight loss | Tags: jeans, levi's 2 CommentsI don’t care who you are or how thin you are; I think most of us find shopping for jeans a real pain in the ass. Well, maybe those guys who really only wear their jeans as an accessory to their boxer shorts don’t have trouble. They just go in a store and hold the pants up and if they look like they fit their whole body in one leg they buy them.
Fortunately most of don’t purchase jeans on an approximation, but it does require dedication, time and more energy than I like to spend shopping. I remember the olden days when I bought my jeans at the Wilton Department store. They all were Levi’s and I don’t care what Levi’s advertises now about 505’s or 501’s or all these other 5’s. We only had one kind. It had a zipper, no buttons and there was one kind of blue, dark and rough and had not been washed yet. All you had to do was figure out both your waist size and inseam and buy the pair that had that printed on the leather tag on the back of the waist band. Of course there were two other brands, Lee and Wrangler, neither of which were sold at the Wilton Department store and thus deemed inferior.
Granted I would have to estimate the shrinkage amount since those Levi’s were made of virgin denim. Once purchased, you were not going to wear them for a few days because they required multiple washings to remove the extra dye and not make them look so new. The worst thing you could wear would be a brand new pair of unwashed blue jeans and a new white pair of tretorn sneaker together. You would look like someone from Russia who did not know that you never wore “new” things off your property until they were broken in. or scuffed up.
Granted considerable work went into new jeans back in the 70’s, but most of the work was done at home. Then Calvin Klein and Jordache had to get in the game opening up the jeans world to everybody in the rag trade. That was the beginning of people wanting jeans to actually fit their body. Granted the number of styles was limited. When high waisted jeans, (Now called mom jeans) came in, almost all of them were high waisted. During bell-bottoms heyday the smallest leg you could get was still a fairly wide boot cut.
Today the choices are overwhelming, from skinny to boot cut, curvy to straight leg, dark wash to distressed, ankle to floor length, zipper to button, plain pockets to flap pockets and on and on. All these choices and then you still have to figure out your size, but it is not as easy as your waist and inseam. The worst part now is that you have to really make sure they look good. No longer are jeans that utilitarian pant.
So after my “hitcher’ up” episode at the State fair I finally went to find new jeans. What a god awful waste of my life because they may fit today, but as long as I keep losing weight they too will get to be too big, or I will get to be too small and I am going to have to go do this all over again. My only promise is I won’t wait until these become “pants on the floor” like the boxer short guys.
Ten Foods
Posted: October 24, 2012 Filed under: Diet- comedy | Tags: eat only ten foods 1 CommentWhen I was just out of college my parents moved to Washington DC. They lived in a one bedroom corporate apartment for the first few months while they renovated a house. The apartment was in Crystal city, which my father loving called the “Houston” of Washington due to its apparent lack of zoning. They had a tiny balcony that pointed toward Potomac, but they could not see the river, just the airplanes landing over it into what was then National Airport.
One Sunday I went to see them and I knew they needed to get out and meet some friends because I found them sitting on the balcony, watching the planes land, silently scribbling notes on paper, dressed in clothes that I am sure they did not wear out in public. This was the conversation I walked in on.
Mom: “If I pick beef do I get a whole cow including steaks and ground beef?
Dad: “No, you either get hamburger or steak. You have to pick each cut individually.”
Scribble, scribble, scribble…
Dad: “Does milk count as one of the ten, or did we decide drinks are free?”
Mom: “Drinks have to be free because I need both milk and wine.”
More writing and crossing out, as I silently stand by…
Mom: “Can we choose complete dishes like spaghetti and meat sauce?
Dad: “I can’t remember what we decided about that? I think if you chose creamed spinach that is OK, as long as you never get to separate the ingredients into spinach, cream, butter, etc.”
Mom: “Ed, you are making this too hard.”
After witnessing this conversation and having no idea what they were doing I announced my arrival to which I was shushed.
Dad: “Ok, here are my 10; steak, chicken, cheese, bread, eggs”
Mom: “Oh no, I forgot eggs. I need to redo my whole list.”
Dad: (with shock in his voice) “How could you have forgotten eggs?”
Mom: “I was still on the ‘A’ vegetables, avocado, asparagus and artichokes.”
I tried again.
Dana: “What are you doing?
Mom: “We are trying to figure out if we could only eat 10 foods for the rest of our lives, what would they be?”
Dana: (With more than a little bit of disbelief) “How long have you been doing this?”
Dad: “All weekend. It is really hard.”
I don’t know if they ever finished that exercise because I think they all of a sudden realized they had lives to live, but it was an interesting question.
So if you could only eat ten foods for the rest of your life, what would they be? Now please don’t ask me the rules to this game. That is a negotiation that requires Mother Teresa, Gandhi and George Mitchell to work out.
Did Colonial Children Complain About What Was For Dinner?
Posted: October 23, 2012 Filed under: Diet- comedy | Tags: colnial children, new american, restaurants 3 CommentsThe answer to the eternal question ”What’s for dinner?” has so many more answers today than it did when I was a kid. Just the categories of food has more in number than I had as actual choices; Thai, Italian, Sushi, Mexican, Burgers, Chinese, Pizza, Indian, both Southern and Northern which are not to be confused with Persian, Southern, Barbeque, German, Steakhouse, American, New American (I’m sure that “new” just means more expensive that non-new), Seafood, Vegetarian, French, Japanese, Scandinavian, African…
Even with all these categories to choose from, whether we cook it at home or, throw the other choice in the pot I did not have as a kid, go out for dinner, it seems that someone is unhappy. How can that be? My family has almost unlimited options between my cooking and Durham’s culinary offerings.
When I was a kid, my menu was limited by the few raw ingredients my mother was likely to purchase. See I did a lot of the cooking, but since I could not drive, I did none of the shopping. We never ate out for dinner, so take that option off the table. That left us with ground beef or chicken and as far as categories it was American, since new American was still just a spark in some future chef’s eye, Italian and maybe Southern, since my parents were southerners. The complaining about “what’s for dinner?” existed then.
All this whining despite the giant choice got me thinking about kids even further back than my 1960-70’s era. What about kids in colonial time whose menu was limited to what they could grow or raise and how long it could keep in an underground root cellar. Did children in the dead of winter complain of another yam stew or were they thankful just to have food at all?
If you don’t have many choices does it make it better or worse? Has the explosion of worldwide culinary offerings spoiled us so much that we don’t enjoy what we have when we have it?
When I was in college, I spent one summer living in my college town renovating my off-campus house and working many different jobs. One of those jobs was working in the catering office of the food service department. We served all kinds of different groups who used the campus for various meetings and conferences.
Our food service was run by the college and not a big corporate contractor and thus was really good. Depending on what a group was willing to pay we could make a meal as nice as surf & turf or as down home as shepherds’ pie. I will never forget my favorite group who had a conference, The Farmer’s Wives of America. Eleven hundred women filled the dining hall as we served them our least expensive, but heaviest plated meal of opened faced hot roast beef sandwiches, mashed potatoes and gravy and cooked to death green beans with ham hocks.
When the servers went to clear the tables they were shocked to find that the women had scraped and stacked their plates at the end of each table and all were terribly complimentary of what a wonderful lunch it was. I remember being summoned out into the dining room over the PA system by the organizer of the meeting to be introduced to all 1,100 Farmer’s Wives so they could thank me for their lunch. Their gratitude for not our best meal was overwhelming. I wonder if it was just that they were just pleased to have a meal they did not have to cook, let alone grow or raise. They did not even get to have a choice in what they ate, but they appreciated it just the same.
I don’t have an answer to this complaining about “what’s for dinner?” just wondering if it is an age-old problem, or perhaps just New American.
God’s Gift
Posted: October 22, 2012 Filed under: Diet- comedy | Tags: busy, dog Leave a comment
Everyone I know is busy. I was talking to my friend who has two girls out of college and both employed and one in college, and I was complaining that she had not been at Mah Jongg. She looked at me with a you-are-never-going-to-believe-this look in her eye and said, “I know, I am busier than ever. I want to play Mah Jongg, but I have so much going on.”
What is happening in the world that we all keep getting busier and busier, but yet the world is not really improving that much? I am no better, just today I had one phone interview, four meetings in various places around town, a blog, three letters of recommendations, one report and 42 e-mails to write, so far and a dog who lies next to me, head on my lap top wishing I were throwing her the ball. All of this and no one is paying me a cent to do any of it. Shouldn’t I throw the ball first because my dog gives me the best payback for my investment?
The only one I see in my world who is not busy is my dog, but she is the happiest being I know. I think that when she leans on the key board and inadvertently pushes the caps lock she is sending me a message to stop typing and give her a snuggle. She is yet to type out an actual request, perhaps for lamb and rice rather than chicken, but I would not be surprised if she had one she wanted to convey.
I am working on actually being productive and not just busy without the productive stuff being things like laundry or a clean house. But I not only want to be productive, but I want to have fun and bring joy to my world. In other words, I want to be more like my dog who is always happy to greet another being whether two of four legged, rejoices in an embrace and brings a smile to all who meet her.
My dog is not busy, yet she is productive if in no other way to make everyone in our house spend time outside and show affection everyday. It’s an old thought, but dog spelled backwards does spell god. I think of our dog as god’s gift to us and a reminder to slow down and play a little everyday.
Canned Food Longevity
Posted: October 21, 2012 Filed under: Diet- comedy | Tags: canned food, pepperidge farm gazpacho 1 CommentI was looking in my pantry and noticed a can of soup from a brand I think went defunct a couple of years ago. I think it is time for that can to go. I was just glad my mother who was visiting this weekend did not see it. See, keeping canned food is practically a blood sport in my family.
My mother was raised in a time when people thought that once food was “tinized” it would last forever. Whether you were interested in ever eating it or not you still kept it. I am not such a believer. In trying to convince my mother that despite her very full pantry she really did not have much that was edible she challenged me to prove it.
I told her I could do one better than prove it, but that I could do it with my eyes closed. She took that challenge and I went to the pantry and she watched as I closed my eyes and opened the door. Without peeking I reached my hand in and pulled out a can. It was the first one I touched, not one in the back behind some two-year-old crackers. When I opened my eyes I knew I had hit pay dirt.
My father was witnessing this game and seemed to take cover as I squealed in delight at the can of Pepperidge Farm Gazpacho. First, the idea of gazpacho in a can is revolting, but I was not there to comment on the original quality of the product, just it’s age.
The can I held was so old that it did not have a bar code on it, but an old-fashioned price sticker. Granted there are still stores, like small bodegas, that do not have scanners so they put price stickers on items, but those items still have barcodes from the manufacturer. Just the mere absence of the barcode was proof that the can was at probably made before 1980, but the particular price sticker was an even greater clue to the exact age because it said the words “Stop & Shop” along with the .79¢ price.
My parents lived in Wilton, CT. at the time a Stop and Shop was open in Ridgefield, the next town over. I can remember my mother shopping there until the store closed on or around 1978. That was proof enough for my father who declared me the winner in this game.
Being the spoiled winner that I was I went on to point out that not only was this can decades old, but that my parents had moved it five times when they moved from Wilton to London, London back to Wilton, Wilton to Massachusetts Heights in Washington DC, Mass Heights to Georgetown, and Georgetown to Pawleys Island, SC. I consider that can better traveled than 99 % of all Americans.
My mother gave in and threw the can out. We were all too afraid to open it and recycle it, so please forgive us. So for today’s challenge, go to your pantry, find something that has been there at least since the last republican administration and either eat it or properly dispose of it.
Having a full pantry of things we are not going to eat is wasteful. If you find anything that is still good and you don’t want to eat it, donate it. There are lots of people who might need it, as long as you are sure it won’t kill anyone.
Listening is the Hard — Hearing is Even Harder
Posted: October 20, 2012 Filed under: Diet- comedy | Tags: dog, neighbor Leave a commentRecently I had a friend ask me if I could talk to her husband about losing weight. “Whoa, whoa, whoa,” was my response. “Do you want me to talk to him or does he want me to talk to him?”
My friend, who loves and adores her husband, is interested in his losing weight. She confessed that he does not see the same man in the mirror that she does. Jump back friend. I would never bring up the subject of losing weight to anyone else. I am happy to answer someone’s questions, but not initiate the conversation.
I know from personal experience that the only person who can make you want to lose weight is the person who is putting the food in your mouth. Losing weight is a brain exercise first; only when your brain is interested in doing it will it happen.
On the other side of things, if someone is telling you something you don’t want to hear stop and consider how hard it was for them to do it.
Many years ago when Russ and I were working in London and had terrible sleep schedules due to too many transatlantic flights we had a next-door neighbor who had a garage without a door, on the bedroom side of our house. These neighbors who were used to us not being home much had gotten a puppy and they kept him tied up in the garage at night.
When we were home we were kept awake by this poor lonely puppy howling and barking in the echo chamber that was my neighbors’ garage. At first I thought that it would be a short-lived problem and eventually the puppy would learn to sleep alone, but that did not happen.
One night as I lay there I thought surely these people know their dog barks all night, but no. When I finally could not take it anymore I got out of bed, put my trench coat on over my nightgown and in the pouring rain went over to my neighbor’s house.
When they came to the door I apologized for the late visit, although it was only 9:00 at night it was 3:00 in the morning to me, which was very late. I said I was sure they did not know that their puppy’s barking echoed so loudly into our bedroom and asked if they could bring the dog inside. I will never forget the wife’s response, “Our dog does not bark.” Now this couple was elderly, but I had never seen them with any hearing aids that could be removed at night to ignore a barking dog.
I was shocked that my practically apologetic request had been met with an accusation of my being a liar. In my jet lagged and not most polished state I responded, “Lady, why in the world would I come over here at this hour in my nightgown in the pouring rain and make up a story about your dog? How would I even know you had a dog? Your dog barks and by leaving in your open garage it amplifies his crying.”
Her husband apologized and brought the dog inside and never left him to sleep in the garage again. The wife has never spoken to me since despite my saying hello to her every time I see her.
What was in this for me if her dog did not really bark? Why would I risk bad neighborly relations if it were not true? If someone tells you something you don’t really like, stop and consider what it is it for them to tell you. Drop your defenses and try and listen to the truth.
I am not advocating that anyone runs out and tells your loved ones they need to lose weight or control their dog, but if someone gives you a signal, perhaps a lot more subtly than I told my neighbor, that you have a problem, think about it. They risk something in telling you, but if you can really hear it, maybe your brain can take one step closer to trying to solve it.
The Solution for America
Posted: October 19, 2012 Filed under: Diet- comedy | Tags: fat baby sitters, screaming babies Leave a commentThere are many issues facing America I am told over and over again by the unending droning of political ads that are ruining TV watching. Two major issues that have gotten no airplay in North Carolina are the high cost of infant daycare and the difficulty that overweight people have in trying to lose weight.
I am shocked that the binders of women have not come out and made the daycare issue more of a topic given that they stand to get some high-ranking jobs if anyone looking for some tokens is elected. Also, it is surprising that someone running for political office who is interested in everyone having healthcare has not tried to have all Americans slim down if for no other reason than obesity is a huge drain on medical resources.
Tonight while trying to enjoy dinner in a public place, I was seated next to a table with two brand new Grandparents, their daughter, son-in-law and their long awaited grandchild who could not have been more than three weeks old. That isn’t-my grandchild-precious new Grandmother was completely oblivious to the rest of the diners as she proudly held up a screaming baby for a good thirty minutes without the thought that perhaps she could leave the room and try and comfort her. No, that Grandmother was sure that the rest of us were all enjoying the sounds of a baby who clearly was too young to know how to go to sleep while we tried to enjoy our diner.
As the baby screamed louder and louder I was less and less interested in my meal. That was when it dawned on me how we can solve two giant issues causing ruin in our country with one solution. Infant daycare weight loss centers, a truly bipartisan solution to a universal problem.
People pay big money to lose weight and I guarantee that there is no better way to keep people from eating than to put them in a room full of screaming babies. Let’s put those babies to good use as appetite killers and help those fat people get skinny by making them be baby sitters.
If you hear about this in the next debate you can bet that some high-ranking advisor to a candidate has been reading my blog because this is surely a win-win for America.
Redneck Respect
Posted: October 18, 2012 Filed under: Diet- comedy | Tags: PWT, rednecks, sweet potato Leave a comment
This morning on the news I caught the whiff of a segment on the growing number of reality TV shows about “Rednecks” such as Here Comes Honey Boo Boo and Hill Billy Hand fishing. First I must confess that I have never actually seen any of these shows except for the moments shown on the news or on late night talk shows. There is a lot of interest in “Rednecks” these days but I am worried that Yankees and the uber educated are actually confused between Rednecks and PWT’s.
See I have great respect for actual Rednecks because the term is derived from people who work outside bent down, face to the soil growing food for us, thus getting a red neck from over sun exposure. Most of these reality TV shows are not about those hard working people.
The entertaining and often uneducated people who make great subjects for TV are PWT’s, which stands for “Poor White Trash.” Now there can be Rednecks who are at the same time also PWT’s, but not all PWT’s are Rednecks. Here is an example of the difference; a Redneck might be missing an important tooth or two because they did not have the money to go to the dentist, a PWT might be missing an important tooth because his cousin punched him after he found out he was sleeping with his wife and his mouth hit the bar as he fell over. I am sure this is a distinction that is lost on many who just see people without teeth, but I feel the need to defend hard working farmers.
I write this today because I harvested my sweet potato crop. I am using the word crop very liberally since I don’t think five plants make much of a harvest, especially in my case. This is the first time I have tried to grow sweet potatoes and I feel quite unsuccessful at it.
In the end my plants were lush and beautiful after having deer come and denude all the plants not just once, but twice, which probably did not help my potato production. After pulling the vines up and digging around I found just about 18 sweet potatoes ranging in size from four pounds down to a few ounces. A couple looked like they could even be sold in a store, but most were gnarly and pock marked and as ugly as I imagine Russ Limbaugh’s rear side to be. I have no idea how they taste yet and won’t for a while because I have to “cure” them by leaving them in a box in a warm spot for a week or two.
Next time you enjoy some sweet potato fries, take a moment and silently give thanks to the farmer who grew them. They may be missing some teeth but I would like to know what they know about bringing food out of the ground. It is harder than you think.
The Mother Tax
Posted: October 17, 2012 Filed under: Diet- comedy | Tags: taxes Leave a commentWith all the political ads, debates and talking heads going blah, blah, blah about the economy the complicated world of taxes is in the air. If you have young children I have an easy way for you to teach them about taxes with something that is already happening in your house. It is called the “Mother Tax.”
Now the Mother Tax is not some penalty on mothers because they have to find childcare while working or that they fall behind in their fields while taking time off work to raise children. The Mother Tax was a phrase I coined to explain to my daughter Carter about the bite of her mac and cheese I was entitled to by virtue of being her mother while at the same time explaining the complicated concept of taxes.
Come on, I know you have done it. You buy your kid a gooey chocolate chip cookie at the bakery and don’t want a whole one for yourself so you take a bit out of your child’s. I can hear whining now from all those kids who selfishly don’t want to share even a bite with their mothers. My child was no different. Thus the Mother Tax was born.
In legal terms here is what it is: “A mother is entitled to a bite of her child’s food, the more yummy the food, the bigger the bite. There is no negotiating on this tax. It must be paid whether you like it or not.”
No matter how much Carter would complain about giving up a french fry, she quickly understood the concept of taxes. You don’t like them, but they must be paid. After a while she learned that when she was handed an ice cream cone she would just hold it up to me first and ask me if I wanted the Mother Tax. The offering of the tax first often was met with a tax amnesty, helping teach Carter at an early age that generosity can sometime pay off.
The Mother Tax has been in existence since the beginning of time, but without a name it was often fought by children. I have a vivid memory of being out to dinner with my family at the Silver Mine Tavern in Connecticut when I was twelve years old. Going out to dinner, especially somewhere as nice as Silver Mine was a rare occasion. Even rarer was my being allowed to order dessert. I studied the dessert menu and decided on the exotic coconut covered ice cream ball in caramel sauce, my sisters got cake, my father pie; my skinny mother seated directly across from me declined dessert.
The waiter brought our choices. I was disappointed to see that my pick was one ball the size of a walnut. My mother eyed the toasted coconut morsel and asked for a bite. I wailed that it was too small to share. Even my father suggested that my mother just order one for herself since it was barley a communion sized dessert. She said she just wanted one small taste. My protests continued. My mother had enough and in her rights as the Mother Tax assessor she stood up, spoon in hand and scooped up the whole ball of ice cream and popped the whole thing in her mouth. I learned then and there that you just don’t fool with the tax collector. Pay, pay early, pay happily for if you don’t the penalty will be great.
Enlisting Your Help, Please
Posted: October 15, 2012 Filed under: Diet- comedy, The Campaign | Tags: Ellen DeGeneres 3 CommentsAs if I have not asked you for enough, I am going to ask for your help once again. The best part about it is I am not going to ask you for any money, but you may help me get to my money goal.
I have 16 days left of my weight loss challenge. I am going to pass the pound goal I set for myself by a couple of pounds. “Yeah!” for me and my furniture that has to hold me up.
Right now I have 218 supporting units—now I’m not calling any of you a ‘Unit”, but sometimes a unit is one single person and some times it is a couple and maybe even it could be a whole family. So I’ve got what in the south would be called “a mess of” people who have pledged to give the Food Bank money when I am done this challenge. 218 units is some kind of incredible and I am thankful to each and every one of you.
After I started this challenge I came up with a secondary goal just to make myself a little crazier than I already was from giving up sugar. That challenge was to try and raise $50,000, which in Food Bank language would be $500,000 worth of food. Right now I am on track to raise something like $35,000. Now that is incredible and I am not really sad, but I really like to reach my goals and I don’t want to fall into some donut laden, cookie filled, cake impacted trough because I failed.
So here is the part where you come in. I think that Ellen DeGeneres is a pretty generous person it is practically her name. Maybe if she heard how close the Food Bank of Central and Eastern NC was to getting $50,000 for this challenge she might announce it on her show to get people to pledge in the final hour to the “Less Dana, More Good” campaign.
If you get a minute, drop Ellen a line and ask her to shout out the blog and let’s see if we can get that last $15,000. I think you can click on the following link and fill in a form.
http://www.ellentv.com/be-on-the-show/10
She is looking for all kind of things that I don’t fit into, like bad paid for photos, or someone that needs a car, or bad Halloween costumes. None of those things apply here. But I think if she can hear from a few of you who have already made the commitment to help feed your hungry neighbors she might help us out.
It can’t hurt to ask and I have certainly asked you all for so much, let’s try and get some people who aren’t sick of me to help.
Pay Attention to the Signs
Posted: October 14, 2012 Filed under: Diet- comedy | Tags: plumber, rv, underpants 3 CommentsToday while waiting around at the horse show for our daughters’ next events fellow barn Mom and friend Laura told me a story about the time her husband drove an RV. See those of us who don’t own RV’s or rent them for the fair, tend to covet them by the third day. After spending three days sitting in lawn chairs outside horse stalls sucking on hair and horse poop flying through the air we start to fanaticize about having a big-ass, tricked-out, climate-controlled, comfy RV to park ourselves in while we wait.
Not that we want to own an RV, just have one to sit in. After hearing Laura’s story its not that we want to drive an RV either. Her husband had to go pick up his invalid mother in Philly and rather than having a professional ambulance bring her to North Carolina he rented a giant RV and drove up to get her. According to Laura it could have had it’s own zip code and perhaps a famous band had once used it for touring it was so badass.
On the way up I-95 Laura’s husband noticed that people passing by were waving at him and flashing their lights. He just assumed they were admiring the deluxe apartment of the road he was piloting. It was not until a state trooper pulled him over and told him he had run over a bale of hay, which had lodged itself to the undercarriage of his vehicle and caught on fire.
To say he had missed the signals other drivers were giving him might be putting it mildly. But I should have realized that Laura’s story was just foreshadowing my missing a big sign today myself.
While walking the 400 yards from our stalls to the main arena for the fifth time today I felt a cooling breeze on my backside, but I just kept walking. A few hundred yards later a nice woman driving a golf cart passed me and said “hitcher’ up” as she glided by. Since we were at a horse affair I assumed she was talking about some horse thing. Another moment and another cool breeze. I put my hand behind me and realized that my jeans and my underpants had fallen to sub plumber levels.
Early on in this blog journey I wrote one titled “The problem with underpants” about how your underpants don’t get too tight early enough in the weight gaining process. Apparently 49 pounds is how much you have to lose to actually lose your underpants. I blame my two sizes too big jeans, which were only one size too big last week. If I had tight enough pants on they could have kept my underpants up.
So now I vow to not wear any pants, under or otherwise that are too big. I am paying attention to the signs before I scare anyone to death.
Spot Reduction is a Myth
Posted: October 13, 2012 Filed under: Diet- comedy | Tags: boobs 1 CommentThe other day a woman I hardly know asked me if I had lost weight. I thanked her and said yes. She then said something unexpected, “Yeah, the boobs are the first thing to go.” Although she was right, I did not think I knew her well enough for that to be her public observation to me.
Why is it that we lose weight first in places we just assume keep and last in the hardest areas? Now I am not interested in being any Jessica Rabbit, but I would prefer to have my hips go before my boobs. No luck there. I seem to lose weight from the head down, like I am a candle melting.
I have over heard people at the gym ask their trainers if they could concentrate on one problem area over another and all the pros respond in the same way, “There is no way to reduce one area more than another.”
Now you certainly can build up muscles in one place, but if you have fat to rid yourself of it has to come off in its own way. Of course fat runs all through our bodies so I am sure it is better for me if it is coming out of my liver before my thighs. Since my liver is under my boobs maybe it is, but I wish that my boobs did not resemble two pancakes with one blueberry each.
I have a friend who has always been in good shape and even her petite self had her then four year old daughter ask her, “Mommy, when am I going to get long boobies like you?” So I guess if you have anything up top at all it is destine to fall.
You know, the myth that you could lose weight in all the right places should be debunked by the fact that you can’t gain weight in all the right places. A friend who laments her double A bra status has never changed cup size even when she has gained a few pounds. Now the band number may increase which is mostly due to everyone’s least favorite, back fat, but the actual cleavage creating cup does not until you gain such significant amount of weight which really defeats the look you were going for.
So we all might as well accept the body shape we have because regardless of your actual weight, your biggest place is going to still be your biggest place. I’m just looking forward to my biggest place being a little bit smaller.
Should I Be Insulted?
Posted: October 12, 2012 Filed under: Diet- comedy | Tags: old and thin 2 CommentsThis morning I had to run into the dollar to store to get the last minute giant plastic containers I need to transport 700 pounds of food to the State Fair horse show. Why in the world would anyone need to bring food to the state fair you ask? Well the horse complex is far enough away from the actual ride goin’, animal pettin’, fried food eatin’, carnival game playin’, turkey shootin’, red neck watchin’ part of the fair for all the riding girls and their families to schlep over there just to eat.
If you have never been to a state fair horse show it is a hurry up and wait beauty pageant for horses, a nerve racking-fear-filled-terror-time for parents and a better than a trip to Disney World time for riders. The terror comes when you watch your child along with 50 other riders all in the same arena at the same time try and practice jumps with horse flying through the air in different directions and no real rules of the road.
Now I have gotten way off tangent here, so back to the trip to the Dollar Store. As I was searching for blue ice packs for coolers, which apparently are considered seasonal and not available now, I ran into a man I go to church with. I said hello to him and called him by name. He looked at me and called me the name of another woman we also go to church with. I corrected him and he said, “Oh sorry, you look different. Have you lost weight?” I said, “Yes” and told him to have a nice day as he left the store.
Now that encounter does not sound so bad until I tell you that the woman whom he mistook me for is at least 20 years older than I am, has grey hair, but is much thinner than I am. I am unsure if I am flattered that he considered me that thin or insulted that he thinks I look that old. She is an attractive woman, just not me.
So is it better to be old and thin or young and fat? And should I be insulted to be confused with someone who is old and thin?
Catering Flashback
Posted: October 10, 2012 Filed under: Diet- comedy | Tags: a la carter, catering, state fair horse show 2 CommentsWhen I was in college I started a catering business that I kept running for ten years after college. My late college roommate Lauren Roberts, who went on to Coke as the first woman VP of advertising, brilliantly named my business “á La Carter,” the play on the word cater since my last name was Carter. Catering was my side business to my main gig of hawking mail opening and extracting machines.
My friends used to ask me why I did not quit my real job and just do catering since they clearly thought it was a more glamorous job and they liked the leftovers. I had two reasons. The money in the mail opening business was too easy to give up and catering was physically exhausting.
Today, twenty years after I gave up catering, my body had flashbacks of my catering days. My daughter Carter is riding in the State Fair Horse Show this weekend and somehow I was given the task of providing all the meals for the riders and their families for the three-day events.
It is a crazy week so I only had this afternoon to prepare three main dishes for 30 plus people for lunch and dinner each day. The real kicker is that the meals have to be fully cooked so that I can reheat them in a brigade of Crock-pots in a horse stall turned food service area.
I chopped 15 pounds of onions, five heads of garlic, 5 pounds of carrots, 10 peppers from my garden and 20 pounds of chicken. I browned ground meat, opened endless cans of beans, and stirred giant pots boiling away on the stove. After 6 hours I had enough Ham and Black Bean soup, Chicken Chili and Spaghetti Casserole to keep the giant brigade of horse crazy girls, their bored brothers and exhausted parents fed all weekend.
Beside the pain my in back the most familiar catering feeling was one of lack of hunger from cooking such large amounts of food. I had forgotten how cooking so much in such a short period of time completely made me lose my appetite. My thought now is that if my back could hold out I should go back to catering just until I reach an ideal weight.
If you are crazy enough to visit the North Carolina State Fair this weekend and tire of looking at the ride operators who are missing their important teeth or eating deep fried butter, stop on by the Jim Graham building and watch the horse show. They have chairs where you can sit a spell and if you find me I might have a nice bowl of soup for you.
Feels Like Fall Today
Posted: October 8, 2012 Filed under: Diet- comedy | Tags: cold, comfort food, weather 2 CommentsToday is our first really cold and dreary day of fall here in Durham. According to the Weather Bug on my phone it is 47 degrees, but “feels like 43”. I don’t know who invented the “Feels Like” rating. The “feels like” number always makes it worse, you know when it is 98 degrees out the “feels like” number is 104 and when it is 35 degrees the “feels like” is 29. I hate the “feels like,” it is like having your most pessimistic old relative around telling you “think it’s bad now, it is actually more miserable than you thought.”
I digress. To top off this cold a rainy day Carter has no school today because it is fall break. Her friend and “sister” Ellis is staying with us while her parents are away burying her grandfather. So dreariness abounds.
For lunch we all had soup, albeit three different soups, but the day just seemed to call for that. I currently have a pot roast in the oven for the girls and Russ to have for dinner and for Ellis’ parents when they finally get back to Durham late tonight. I will have to brave the cold and go out and cut lettuce from the garden and have a cold day unsatisfying salad for dinner.
What is it about cold weather than makes us crave comfort food? Of course there are plenty of healthy comfort foods like stewed tomatoes or chicken soup, but come on, the best ones are much closer to Mac and cheese than boiled cabbage.
Humans are not bears. We do not need to bulk up for a long winters nap. But maybe the ancient cycle of food availability comes into play here. Before our stable food supply the winter months could be a lean time in the larder. Perhaps the cold weather triggers some need in our bodies to take advantage of the fall harvest bounty.
Carter and Ellis definitely have the cold weather food craving, coming to me begging to bake a chocolate cake. I settled on them making a chocolate cake in a mug, which would ensure a no leftovers to tempt me. I, on the other hand, had some cantaloupe, which was just not as satisfying at “Feels Like 43” as it was when it felt like 104.
I promise to start to experiment with some skinny comfort foods and share them with you. I hate for the sweater weather to necessitate the hiding the weight gain sweater wearing.
Less Automation Would Do Us Good
Posted: October 6, 2012 Filed under: Diet- comedy 2 CommentsToday I was out in my driveway shoveling the newly delivered gravel to spread it evenly and a neighbor walked by and asked if there was a more automated way I could do that. My response was, “It is my exercise for the day.” Which we both agreed was a good workout.
His comment got me thinking about how we have automated so much in our lives that it is no wonder people are over weight. We no longer do so many of the things we used to that burned up calories. Here is a very short list:
When was the last time you got up to turn on or off the TV, change the channel or raise the volume? Think of the number of squats a remote control removed from your daily activity.
If you have a lawn do you cut it yourself? If so, do you ride on a lawnmower to do it? If you walk give yourself a hand, but is your mower self-propelled? I can bet not one person reading this cuts their own lawn under their own steam.
Such little things as hanging the laundry out to dry was exercise. Holding soaking towels above eyelevel and clipping them to a line with a clothespin has got to equal lifting three-pound weights.
I saw a beautiful British ex-model turned TV chef on the cooking channel this morning making French bread. She demonstrated making it by manually kneading the dough for ten minutes straight. She said you could use a machine, but that it was a better workout by hand. I would say so. No wonder she had beautiful arms and was also able to actually eat the bread without guilt when it was finished.
When was the last time you had to get up from a chair to answer the phone? Most of us have a phone in our pocket all the time. For those people who still have a land line many just the voice mail take the message and then later when they are near the phone they might listen to it. More squats are needed to make up for that automation.
Even power steering on cars cuts out expending some energy. We have a car now that will parallel park it self, although I refuse to try it. Really turning my power steering wheel is just not that hard.
Everything from leaf blowers to that machine that automatically squirts a 360-degree spray of foam cleaner in your shower that just runs the dirt and scum down the drain has caused us to expend fewer calories just to survive.
Now I am not looking for a washboard and tub to clean my clothes, but I do think a little more gravel shoveling and getting up and down out of my chair to answer the phone would do me good.
Less Dana, More Good 