Sick Benefits

Posted: January 18, 2013 | Author: | Filed under: Diet- comedy | Tags: , , , | 3 Comments

OK I have whined all week about my child having the flu and my having a full-on respiratory take over which has turned into a post nasal drip cold and cough.  Enough already.  We certainly are not the only sick people on earth.  But I think what ever is going on here might be something other people just might want.

 

What?  Why would I ever think you would want my illness?  Well, how’s your New Year diet going?  Having a little trouble now in week three keeping off the Cheezits?  My particular type of sickness is the answer.  I have lost nine pounds since the first of the year and none of that was water weight, since I sucked all the water out of me months ago.

 

It’s not like I’m not eating.  I am opposed to starvation.  Even though I don’t feel like it I am putting food in me, not much, but still enough to not throw my metabolism into some kind-of Bangladesh-style famine.  Still every morning I get on the scale and another pound is down.  This is the karma I pray for.  I’ve been good and now I feel like the stuff that comes out of the non-cute end of my dog, so some higher being is rewarding me for this suffering, Thank you Baby Jesus.

 

My friend Hannah reminded me of the greatest quote from The Devil Wears Prada, “I’m just one stomach flu away from my goal weight.”  Well I’m at least seven flu’s away from mine, but I’m not going to look this gift horse in the mouth.  I do have the feeling that this weight loss can’t go on like this so I would just prefer to get well.

 

For those of you desperate enough to get your diet back on track I am thinking of leaving some used drinking glasses on my front porch.  Feel free to come by and borrow one, but just excuse me if I don’t come to the door.  I really don’t look my best and of course I’m already in my Lanz nightgown under the blanket and the sun is still high in the sky.

 

I have not revised my goal to lose eleven pounds by March 1 get because I want to see what happens when I get better.  I’d hate to be all cocky like this is real fat gone and up my goal number and then find out that as soon as I am better five pounds magically reappears.  I’ll keep you posted, like I have anything else to do stuck in bed.

I Miss My Fat Blanket

Posted: November 7, 2012 | Author: | Filed under: Diet- comedy | Tags: , | 1 Comment

 

I really did not time this whole weight loss thing right.  Just as my challenge ends the weather has turned suddenly cold, like forget about fall and jump right into winter cold.  The problem is that as I have lost weight I have also lost the ability to produce a normal body temperature.

 

As I was freezing at Mah Jongg this morning a friend told me she thought that the body burned more calories when it was cold to try and keep warm, but so far I have not proven that theory.  I am just down right cold and not appearing to lose any faster.  My poor thin dog is cold too.  She sits snuggled up beside me with her head on the keyboard trying to steel the warmth my computer is creating.

 

Not even hot tea is helping; in fact it is hurting because it makes me have to use the restroom more often.  If I were a man it might not be so cold to have to use the facilities, but alas I have to pull down my pants, which is not helping me keep what little body heat I have.

 

Of course I am wearing many layers of clothing, which is hiding my somewhat thinner body.  I had one friend stop by the house to bring me a check to pay off her pledge.  I heard her at the front door asking my daughter if I was home so she could actually see what I looked like 53 pounds thinner.  I know it was a disappointment to her when I came downstairs in two shirts and a sweatshirt and big fluffy socks.

All I can say is I hope she didn’t feel cheated.

 

Maybe this can be my spring surprise.  If this lack of body heat keeps up I will have to keep adding layers of clothing as I continue to lose weight.   Perhaps by the time warm weather returns I can emerge from my cocoon a thinner butterfly.  What am I thinking?  Never in my loud life would I be considered a butterfly.  Right now I just want to be a firefly and have my butt be able to warm me up.

 

I am not advocating anyone being fat in order to be warm, but I am wondering how you really skinny people make it through the winter.  I still have a good layer on me and I am this cold I can’t imagine what it is going to be like in another 30 pounds.  Let’s hope I can find out before I turn blue.

Feels Like Fall Today

Posted: October 8, 2012 | Author: | Filed under: Diet- comedy | Tags: , , | 2 Comments

Today is our first really cold and dreary day of fall here in Durham.  According to the Weather Bug on my phone it is 47 degrees, but “feels like 43”.  I don’t know who invented the “Feels Like” rating.  The “feels like” number always makes it worse, you know when it is 98 degrees out the “feels like” number is 104 and when it is 35 degrees the “feels like” is 29.  I hate the “feels like,” it is like having your most pessimistic old relative around telling you “think it’s bad now, it is actually more miserable than you thought.”

I digress.  To top off this cold a rainy day Carter has no school today because it is fall break.  Her friend and “sister” Ellis is staying with us while her parents are away burying her grandfather.  So dreariness abounds.

For lunch we all had soup, albeit three different soups, but the day just seemed to call for that.  I currently have a pot roast in the oven for the girls and Russ to have for dinner and for Ellis’ parents when they finally get back to Durham late tonight.  I will have to brave the cold and go out and cut lettuce from the garden and have a cold day unsatisfying salad for dinner.

What is it about cold weather than makes us crave comfort food?  Of course there are plenty of healthy comfort foods like stewed tomatoes or chicken soup, but come on, the best ones are much closer to Mac and cheese than boiled cabbage.

Humans are not bears.  We do not need to bulk up for a long winters nap.  But maybe the ancient cycle of food availability comes into play here.  Before our stable food supply the winter months could be a lean time in the larder.  Perhaps the cold weather triggers some need in our bodies to take advantage of the fall harvest bounty.

Carter and Ellis definitely have the cold weather food craving, coming to me begging to bake a chocolate cake.  I settled on them making a chocolate cake in a mug, which would ensure a no leftovers to tempt me.  I, on the other hand, had some cantaloupe, which was just not as satisfying at “Feels Like 43” as it was when it felt like 104.

I promise to start to experiment with some skinny comfort foods and share them with you.  I hate for the sweater weather to necessitate the hiding the weight gain sweater wearing.