The Christmas That Wasn’t

Posted: December 26, 2013 | Author: | Filed under: Diet- comedy | Tags: , | 5 Comments

 

Well this is what I get for giving myself one really decadent Christmas Eve meal, food poisoning.  And my poor friend Logan, who loves a good meal better than any human on earth, he too got whatever horrible e-coli bug I did.  The good news is that the rest of our families some how escaped the gut wrenching bug.

 

I think the culprit was the last minute kale salad.  It was the only raw thing we had and is most suspect.  I tried not to eat very large amounts of the terribly rich food, but that night as I lay in bed I told Russ that my system just could not take that kind of food anymore.  Through the night I thought I heard the sounds of hooves on the roof, but it was probably the delirium starting to set in and not Santa visiting our house.  By morning I was sick as a dog.

 

So I slept through Christmas.  It was pitiful and sad.  Russ, Carter and Shay went up to my parents without me.   Only Shay was happy to get to run free at the farm and really didn’t notice I was not there.

 

The part about Christmas I missed the most was giving my presents.  I know that I was an unenthusiastic opener myself on Christmas morning when Russ and Carter were so excited about the things they had lovingly picked out for me.  I would like a whole do over of the day so I can properly show my loved ones how much they and their kindnesses mean to me.

 

The only good thing about the whole situation was the three pounds I lost, but I know that as soon as I eat again they will find me.  The good news is for my next party I am going to have a caterer.  I am doing my best not to kill any guests or myself ever again.  I hope you had the best Christmas ever, that all the sweaters you got flatter you and that nothing went right into the regifting closet.

The Christmas That Wasn’t

 

Well this is what I get for giving myself one really decadent Christmas Eve meal, food poisoning.  And my poor friend Logan, who loves a good meal better than any human on earth, he too got whatever horrible e-coli bug I did.  The good news is that the rest of our families some how escaped the gut wrenching bug.

 

I think the culprit was the last minute kale salad.  It was the only raw thing we had and is most suspect.  I tried not to eat very large amounts of the terribly rich food, but that night as I lay in bed I told Russ that my system just could not take that kind of food anymore.  Through the night I thought I heard the sounds of hooves on the roof, but it was probably the delirium starting to set in and not Santa visiting our house.  By morning I was sick as a dog.

 

So I slept through Christmas.  It was pitiful and sad.  Russ, Carter and Shay went up to my parents without me.   Only Shay was happy to get to run free at the farm and really didn’t notice I was not there.

 

The part about Christmas I missed the most was giving my presents.  I know that I was an unenthusiastic opener myself on Christmas morning when Russ and Carter were so excited about the things they had lovingly picked out for me.  I would like a whole do over of the day so I can properly show my loved ones how much they and their kindnesses mean to me.

 

The only good thing about the whole situation was the three pounds I lost, but I know that as soon as I eat again they will find me.  The good news is for my next party I am going to have a caterer.  I am doing my best not to kill any guests or myself ever again.  I hope you had the best Christmas ever, that all the sweaters you got flatter you and that nothing went right into the regifting closet.

No More Stuff

Posted: November 30, 2013 | Author: | Filed under: Diet- comedy | Tags: , , | 1 Comment

No More Stuff

 

When I was young, like in the single digits young I really liked stuff.  I liked collecting stuff, buying stuff, and being given stuff.  My accumulating period lasted a long time, probably until I was about 40.  Then suddenly I looked around and I had more stuff than I needed.  My house was full, my garage was full, and my attic was definitely overly full.  I went from wanting to get stuff to never wanting any more stuff ever again.  I reached my tipping point.

 

Now I am anti-stuff.  I don’t want people to bring me anything or give me any gifts, except needlepoint gift certificates because that is about making treasured Christmas ornaments, which are certainly not stuff.  When I finished decorating the tree today Carter came up and announced it was “beautiful.”  I asked her if she minded all the Christmas being out now and she said no, since she did not have to do any of the work.

 

With all the Fa-la-la-la-la surrounding us she wanted to know what I wanted for Christmas.  “No stuff,” I declared.  “I don’t like stuff.”  “Well, Mom, what about all these Christmas Decorations?”  I tried to make the distinction but she countered me with the “It has matter so it’s stuff” argument.  A science minded child has me there.

 

So now I must be more precise in my language.  There are very few things in the universe I want and if I really wanted them I will buy them.  If I don’t know they exist then I will never want them. But most everything I don’t want and I don’t want the burden of having it.  I am overrun with the stuff I thought I wanted but found out I did not really need until after I owned it.

 

My problem is now that I am anti-more I have become bad at finding gifts for those who really want, need or deserve something.  Nothing fits better than cash, but it does seem lazy and impersonal.  It is fine to give to people who really need money, but going to a friend’s house for dinner and giving them a twenty-dollar bill might be considered tacky.  But why?  Is showing up with a twenty-dollar candle really better?

 

I hate to fall prey to the gift card cop-out, but the more I think about it the more right it sounds.  For those people who might take offense to the cash option a well thought out gift card to a place I know they already love and frequent may be the answer.  Whole Foods, Starbucks and I-tunes here I come.   That way if they don’t want more stuff either they can just get something consumable and for one brief moment they can think kindly about me rather than curse me years later for adding to all their stuff.

The Hostess Gift Dilemma

Posted: November 26, 2012 | Author: | Filed under: Diet- comedy | Tags: , , | 7 Comments

 

Now that the house is decorated for Christmas the next thing on my normal schedule of holiday preparedness events is to make or cook my hostess gift of the year.  In my please-don’t-confuse-me-with-Martha-Stewart because I don’t think she has much of a sense of humor, yet I still am very crafty/handy/culinary talented way I like to make a different item from year to year.  Last year I made homemade vanilla, which I put into really cute apothecary bottles I ordered from a bottle manufacturer.  It was not a hard gift to make, but I had to start making it in September so it had the requisite amount of time to age.

 

Since I have been busy writing this blog and trying to create new healthy recipes I have done no advance planning for the Holiday season.  I usually would have my Christmas shopping done by now and I have barely made a dent in that so far.  I clearly have been spending too much time on me this year.

 

So here is my dilemma.  Is it kosher for me to make a hostess gift that is something fattening, decedent and really yummy in a year that I have been promoting weight loss?  I think that I am disciplined enough right now to make something that I am not tempted to eat, so I am not in fear for the number on my scale.  But is it hypocritical to give others something I clearly would not eat myself?  Not that most of the people I might give these gifts too need to lose weight, but I hate to pile on to the holiday calorie mountain.

 

I am thinking about making some fleur de sel caramels, which are absolutely worth every calorie because they are a moment in heaven.  They are a little tricky, but not that time consuming.  I have all the right cute containers, labels, wrapping and bows.  If I give just a few sinful morsels would it be so bad?

 

If only I had started some vinegars a few months ago I could have kept my diet themed year.  But alas I am too late and I don’t have enough free time to sew, needlepoint or cross-stitch enough non-food items.  If only I had not set the bar so high over the last thirty years.  I can’t turn into a total Scrooge and not give gifts.  Or almost worse, give soaps or lotions, which no one ever uses.

 

I also would like to give something from a local producer.  That gives me a really grinchy-Grinch idea.  I could get local bacon and make my famous candy bacon.  It is doubly hedonistic being both a sweet and a fat, but then again I could support a local farmer and pork is one of North Carolinas top products.

 

So weigh in on my ideas and please feel free to suggest others.  At this point I am not beyond trolling the Internet, if only I had the time.