Don’t Hate January, It’s December’s Fault

Welcome to January, the month of guilt, regret and deprivation. I swear that December is so naughty just to make you hate January. In December you are practically encouraged to live it up like there will never be another chocolate peppermint stick cheesecake on earth so you better get as much of it as you can in December. Nothing about December encourages health. Go hog wild because January is coming and you know what is going to happen in January, lonely, cold, suffering, withdrawal and denial.

If you lived December as if it were your last then it is time to pay the price for actually staying alive. Every magazine, TV commercial, talk show and the like are now telling you to face the music your wrote in December; the you-ate-too-much-drank-too-much-exercised-too-little song that your hips are now singing. It stinks.

It took me fifty-two year of living to learn not to be seduced by December. Yes, Christmas is still my favorite time of year, but not because of the food, I have learned to love the decorating more because it has no calories, as long as I don’t lick the gingerbread house.

I took on the last two months of the year with great gusto to not gain weight during the “eating season.” Please don’t hate me when I tell you that I woke up this morning and got on the scale and weighed less on the first day in 2014 than I did on any day in 2013, except for the morning I went for my colonoscopy. Now I am still twenty pounds away from a weight I would really like to get to and stay, and stay and stay, but I am thrilled that I did not ramp up in December just so I could jump into January with the rest of the diet resolution population. I actually don’t think I have ever had a year where my resolution was not about losing weight and it still is.

If you are in the majority and are looking to drop those holiday pounds and any others you found this year or in previous years it is never too late to start. There are many ways to lose weight and almost all of them work if you just stick to it. There is one bit of wisdom I learned at Weight Watchers so many years ago that holds true to any diet plan, “Show up, pay attention, ask questions, don’t quit.”

I would like to add something that really helps me, “Make it public.” If you tell people you are trying to lose weight you are more likely to stick with it or get back to it if you veer off than if you keep it a secret. It is rarely a secret that you need to lose weight, if you really do, everyone can see it.

If you want to join me in my twenty-pound push to the goal line send me a message, either privately or publically. I will keep it quiet if that is what you wish, but even just sharing the burden with one person lightens the load.

So Happy New Year! I hope that December did not add to your troubles and that January is the start to your best year yet.

In Need of Juice

Posted: December 31, 2013 | Author: dana lange | Filed under: Diet- comedy | Tags: charging, electricity, power | Leave a comment

It seems like my life is tied to chargers, not the football kind, but the electrical ones. I know that I am not alone in my dependency on things with batteries that require constant boosts of electricity. My phones, computer, Ipad, fitbit are just the things sitting by me at this moment that are in daily need of charging. There are also those left often used items like cameras, camera flashes, label makers, flash lights and so on that need to be charged and never seem to be when I need them.

It seems I never have the charging cord when I am in the most vital need for a juice up. The worst is to be away from home as you see the battery bars on your most vital device dwindling down.

I know that juice bars are a big thing these days, but they are selling the wrong kind of juice. I would like an electricity bar that has a room full of charging cords for every possible device hanging from the ceiling. Really the juice you drink bar could install the juice you power up with connection center and do double duty. Call it “All Juiced Up.”

Even better would be the invention of cordless electricity. We have blue tooth through the air, isn’t it time to have power through the air? Electricity has existed in the air in the form of lightening bolts as long as the earth has been around so why can’t someone figure out a way to harness it and send it to all our devices on a constant and steady stream?

The idea that a lamp has to be plugged into a wall with a cord seems incredibly antiquated. Cords running hither and yon across a floor are a hazard. I am surprised that insurance companies have not pushed for this idea long ago.

Of course energy producing companies probably don’t want electricity to be free in the air so the first invention needs to be the “through the air electricity meter”. Once that exists then they might be interested in working to create cordless power. I guess the electrical wire lobby has been behind the killing of this “no cord needed” idea, but really I think we can take them if we all band together.

So start pestering all the brilliant electrical engineers you know. Actually, just whisper this idea into the ear of a few brilliant children. I know we can get this sooner rather than later. I need it now because my computer battery is about to die and I don’t want to get off the treadmill desk to go get the charging cord until I have my 10,000 steps. The only problem is my fitbit that is counting my steps is running low on juice too. Hurry, someone invent cordless electricity now!

Don’t Give Your Money to The Government

Posted: December 30, 2013 | Author: dana lange | Filed under: Diet- comedy | Tags: Food Bank of Central and Eastern NC | Leave a comment

Today is one of my favorite days when Russ and I talk about our charitable giving for the year-end. This year Carter got in on the conversation too. She said she thought it would be cool to be like Bill Gates and get to spend our time making big difference with big time giving. I told her that it’s not just big givers who make a difference, but if lots of people just gave a little it really star add up.

Everyone who knows me knows that the Food Bank of Central and Eastern NC is the cause I am most passionate about. The Food Bank is one of those charities that gets the majority of its gifts from people making small contributions. I am always touched when I am manning a collection point for a food and funds drive by the people who come up and press a twenty dollar bill in my hand and say, “I wish it could be more, but I am very thankful for the help I got from the Food Bank myself.”

For that person for whom $20 is a lot of money giving it back to the Food Bank as thanks really chokes me up.

As it is for most Charities December is the most important month in our year. We depend on the year-end donations to make up a huge percentage of our budget. We have a Charity Navigator Four star rating because we are very efficient with the money we are given because we always try and keep those small donors who dig so deep to support us at the forefront of our minds. The problem is that even though we have grown every year in the amount of food, 52 million pounds last year, we are providing to the hungry in 34 counties in NC the need keeps out pacing us.

There is only one day left to give your money to a worthy cause to help save yourself from giving it to the government in taxes if you don’t. I hope that you have a little bit more than you needed this year and that you do not have to depend on organizations like the Food Bank for your most basic needs. If you want to have some fun give some money away in the next twenty-four hours.

If you chose to give it to the Food Bank you can just click here http://www.foodbankcenc.org/HolidayMeals to make a donation online easy as pie. Know that for every dollar you give the Food Bank can turn it into ten dollars worth of food. That kind of multiplier is hard to beat.

Even if you don’t give to the Food Bank I hope that you can get some joy out of giving to something you are passionate about. You may never know the people you impact, be it students at a school you support or musicians at the Symphony or a homeless family who gets a home through Habitat, but if everyone who has a little something extra gives a little it all adds up to making our community a better place.

Bless you and your family this holiday season and know that I am thankful for you all.

Rule Breaking Friends

Posted: December 29, 2013 | Author: dana lange | Filed under: Diet- comedy | Tags: hostess gifts part 2 | Leave a comment

Once my house is decorated for Christmas I like to take advantage of all the sparkle, twinkle and shine and have people over for frivolity, fun and food as much as possible. I wrote earlier in the season that I really don’t want or expect hostess gifts and even though most everyone who is invited to my house reads this blog, at least once in a while, they all ignored me.

I guess the southern social mores are just too strongly ingrained in the group I hang with, but many even apologized as they came through the door and handed me a bag knowing they were disobeying my wishes. Some even tried to sneak a gift in without my seeing it, leaving it under a table or tucked behind the Christmas tree. I guess I will have to forgive them because I actually like these people and most of them actually brought a very thoughtful gift.

As the party ended last night and the last guest was heading down our front walkway all the lights in the house went out. I was standing at the open front door calling out goodbye as I was suddenly thrust into darkness and I thought, “Wow, they brought a present and took my electricity home with them.” Really, I thought that between giving walking desk demonstrations and running over 500,000 Christmas lights during a party I had blown our whole electrical system. But I looked around and noticed that every other house in the neighborhood was black.

I heard a loud voice coming from the garage as a caterer was calling for help since she was standing in a strange garage full of sharp objects and a hot stove with no flash light. Russ came to the rescue gathering all the lanterns, flash lights, candles and I phones he could find so that we could continue cleaning up and let the help go home.

At last all the plates were loaded in the dishwasher waiting the return of current to run it and all the empty bottles had been taken to recycling. I decided that I would not try and tackle the gaggle of gifts in the dark and took to my bed with Carter who did not want to go to her end of the house alone in the dark. Russ was relegated to the guest room where he watched videos on his Ipad that still had a charge.

The power returned in the night and so by the time I got out of bed Russ had already washed the remaining platters, run the dishwasher and tidied up. Sometime after two in the afternoon I noticed that tissue paper had been pulled from one of the unopened hostess gifts. I look around the bag and nothing seemed too disturbed, but I thought it was as good a time as any to open the loot.

I picked up the bag I assumed the tissue had been in and found a holiday coffee mug with a gift enclosure saying, “from Beth and Mike… Peanut Butter Fudge.” I thought that was an interesting Holiday greeting considering it was a mug. I continued opening, frames, wine, oil and vinegar, my cup over runneth.

Shay came into the living room to sniff around while I was opening. I reached down to give her a snuggle and that’s when I caught a whiff of the distinct smell of peanut butter. I went into the sunroom and found a small perfectly clean Ziploc bag with the corner torn open. I think that explains the “Peanut Butter Fudge” note.

So now I have a new request to all my guests who may read this. Not only do I really just want your company and maybe an invitation to your house in the next ten years, rather than a hostess gift, but if you do bring one and it is food, put it up high, unless it is for Shay. The good news in this story is that peanut butter fudge is one of my favorite things and Beth is a fabulous cook so it is all for the best that Shay Shay ate it and I did not.

The moral of this story is I can’t depend on any of these gift giving friends to be the ones who are in charge of my living will because if they can’t follow my wishes about not bringing gifts they certainly can’t be depended upon to pull the plug on me when the time comes.

Note: This is the first blog I have written while standing at my walking desk. I got three thousand steps doing it.

The Best Suggestion I Got This Year

Posted: December 28, 2013 | Author: dana lange | Filed under: Diet- comedy | Tags: walking desk | 4 Comments

Not all my blog readers know me or know that sometimes I write things in jest. I often get some helpful suggestions to rhetorical questions. I am never put off by these kind responses to my writing, but I do wonder when I write about some insane idea that is clearly a joke to me if my serious readers think I am just a fool.

I put this blog in the Diet Comedy Blog Category, a group which is very small since most information about dieting is way too serious/boring/or dry. No professionals in the weight loss world are actually allowed to be funny because no one wants to be laughed at about being fat. Luckily I am neither a professional nor employed in the weight loss world. Now, I have known a few funny trainers in my day and they are the ones who have figured out that if you can keep a client’s mind off the torture you are inflicting on them by keeping them laughing you will have clients who will keep coming back to work out.

Sometime this summer I wrote a blog about wanting to be able to walk around and needlepoint at the same time. A college friend, Christy, who is a professional trainer with a good sense of humor, suggested I get a walking desk and sent me a link to the website.

I studied the videos, read the testimonials, searched out reviews then told Russ it was what I wanted for Christmas. Russ is a well trained husband and not only does he actually get me what I ask for, but if it is an appliance he gets me something else that is more personal and fun. I won’t go into those great gifts, but Russ could give husband gift giving lessons for money.

Anyway…three days before Christmas a tractor trailer pulls up to the house and puts a pallet with two giant boxes in the garage. Last night at 8:30 I convinced Russ that we needed to disassemble my whole office and install my new walking desk since we needed the garage for a party today. It was a big job because I had to take apart my sitting desk and move two thirds of it to other places.

Russ is good at reading instructions written by people who don’t talk to humans and was able to put the whole new walking desk together with just some lifting help from me. By 11:00 PM I was walking and working on my computer at the same time. My office is a big mess and I am not going to be able to reorganize it while walking on the treadmill, but I certainly think that I won’t have trouble getting in my steps everyday now. I read the mail and paid some bills and got 1,500 steps just for that busy work. When I checked my fitbit last night I had gotten 14,159 steps yesterday. Next thing I need to help keeping me moving is a flat screen for over the fireplace in my office. I can’t wait until Valentines Day.

Is Lying Worth It?

Posted: December 27, 2013 | Author: dana lange | Filed under: Diet- comedy | Tags: Here and Now, Lying, Sam Harris | Leave a comment

This afternoon on my way between setting up for the debutant ball and picking Carter up at horse back riding I was in alone-in-the-car-nirvana listening to NPR on the radio. NPR is my standard radio preset when I have the car to myself and not being subjected to teenager radio flicking between a large number of pop stations. I thoroughly enjoyed my half hour of radio control, listening to a show called “Here and Now” where the host was interviewing an author named Sam Harris about his new book “Lying.”

Sam is a neuroscientist who went to Stanford as an undergraduate. During his time at the superior institution he took a seminar called “The Ethical Analyst” where the class focused the whole course on one question; “Is it wrong to lie?”

It seems like an easy question to answer and thus could be a fairly short class that is one I would have liked to take. Of course it is wrong to lie, but everyone, and I mean even those who were consider for Pope lies. The only book I remember from my years as an undergraduate was called, “How to Lie with Statistics” in my history writing class, so much for the difference between Dickinson and Stanford.

Sam Harris talked about how much easier life is if you just don’t lie, even little white lies that you tell not to hurt someone else’s feelings. I have no idea if his book is any good, but listening to him got me thinking abut the whole subject and how having a daily blog has made me much more honest.

I think that writing honestly about my daily activities has been a huge bonus to my owning my health. Now I am not saying that I come close to not lying. I am a big storyteller after all and some stories are improved with a little poetic license. My mother tells people that all the stories about her are just not true, but my stories are just my point of view. She should claim that the nice stories about her are really very true.

One area Mr. Harris talked about people lying was the lies people tell to avoid embarrassment. For me the blog must be true because there is no way I could remember what I said if it just was not exactly what actually happened, or at least happened as I felt it. Living a life out loud is much simpler for me. And I have never been one to be considered quiet in the first place. So on this point I agree with him.

Since my big issue is my weight that was not something I could hide. When I am fat everyone could see it, there was no way around it. Once I accepted that I was able to deal with it head on. The worst lies are the ones we tell ourselves. When I told myself I was fat and only I could do something about it I was much more able to change it.

Now I am southern, so cutting out all lying is going to be a tricky thing to accomplish. When someone asks me what I think of their chicken salad is it necessary for me to tell them exactly how I feel about it? It is going to take all my creativity to remain cordial and truthful at the same time, but I think it is worth a try. I think I am more than 90% there with almost two years of blogs behind me telling the truth everyday. This is going to be hard. I may or may not report in on the progress depending on how badly it goes, just being honest here.

The Christmas That Wasn’t

Posted: December 26, 2013 | Author: dana lange | Filed under: Diet- comedy | Tags: gifts, sick | 5 Comments

Well this is what I get for giving myself one really decadent Christmas Eve meal, food poisoning. And my poor friend Logan, who loves a good meal better than any human on earth, he too got whatever horrible e-coli bug I did. The good news is that the rest of our families some how escaped the gut wrenching bug.

I think the culprit was the last minute kale salad. It was the only raw thing we had and is most suspect. I tried not to eat very large amounts of the terribly rich food, but that night as I lay in bed I told Russ that my system just could not take that kind of food anymore. Through the night I thought I heard the sounds of hooves on the roof, but it was probably the delirium starting to set in and not Santa visiting our house. By morning I was sick as a dog.

So I slept through Christmas. It was pitiful and sad. Russ, Carter and Shay went up to my parents without me. Only Shay was happy to get to run free at the farm and really didn’t notice I was not there.

The part about Christmas I missed the most was giving my presents. I know that I was an unenthusiastic opener myself on Christmas morning when Russ and Carter were so excited about the things they had lovingly picked out for me. I would like a whole do over of the day so I can properly show my loved ones how much they and their kindnesses mean to me.

The only good thing about the whole situation was the three pounds I lost, but I know that as soon as I eat again they will find me. The good news is for my next party I am going to have a caterer. I am doing my best not to kill any guests or myself ever again. I hope you had the best Christmas ever, that all the sweaters you got flatter you and that nothing went right into the regifting closet.

The Christmas That Wasn’t

Christmas Eve Thanks

Posted: December 24, 2013 | Author: dana lange | Filed under: Diet- comedy | Tags: Christmas eve, dinner | Leave a comment

Our Shay Shay’s confused we are all home today.

Mama’s been cooking the old fashioned fattening way.

Standing rib roast, cauliflower au gratin,

Sweet potatoes with bacon pecan chili topin’.

Gingerbread cake with caramel sauce and apples for sinners

The calories abound at Christmas Eve dinners.

The table is set awaiting friends to arrive

Bringing the greens to fill out the sides.

We’ll start with some cheese – goat is the best

Served on rosemary raisin crackers with zest.

A top I will spread a dollop of jam,

Only slightly less evil than a sliver of ham.

We will not sit down at the table to eat

Until the popovers are popped and full of big heat.

When you starve all year long awaiting this meal

You try not to wolf it down with great zeal.

For Christmas is about giving thanks for our savior

And not about all those holiday flavors.

Fear Not the Take Over of the Machines

Posted: December 23, 2013 | Author: dana lange | Filed under: Diet- comedy | Tags: Eve of Christmas Eve | Leave a comment

With no idea what I was going to blog about today I finally sat down for the first time today — I don’t count driving the car in crazy Christmas traffic sitting. I opened my computer and up popped not just one but two calendar reminder messages with a little alarm clock icon that read “Christmas Eve tomorrow.” No Shit. Does my computer think I don’t know that today is the eve of Christmas Eve? I am no longer worried that machines are going to take over the world.

My computer should know from the lists I have been writing to see who has been naughty and who has been nice that I am in full on Christmas preparation. If the Google searching for the right gifts is not evidence then the Pintrest pinnings in “Christmas Dinner ideas” should scream loud and clear “I am working on the holiday.”

The food searches for gingerbread and Yorkshire pudding and my computer, if it were truly intelligent, would hint that something big was up since I have not looked at a carb recipe in months. But no, the machine feels the need to remind me.

Perhaps she feels neglected since I spent all day Saturday hand writing out 300 Christmas cards. There is a lot to be said for e-mailing cards. My computer probably liked the year we sent a Jib-jab card with Russ, Carter and me in full-blown Afro’s disco dancing across the screen to some Christmas jingle. I like to change it up and send a real card every once in a while, but my computer certainly felt neglected that day.

Maybe my computer was worried I had missed the Christmas is coming hints from the 15,673 marketing e-mails from every store within a 300 mile radius and every online retailer I ever order from since I deleted them as fast as they were clogging up my inbox.

I got it, tomorrow’s Christmas Eve. The presents are mostly wrapped, the Christmas Eve dinner is half cooked, the church service is on the calendar so dear computer no need to remind me again. I’m interested to know if you are going to remind me tomorrow that the next day is Christmas.

Army Diet

Posted: December 22, 2013 | Author: dana lange | Filed under: Diet- comedy | Tags: Army, Canadian Air Force | Leave a comment

This morning on CBS Sunday morning they did a feature on the Army trying to update their mess halls’ food to make it healthier. First I should correct myself, they no longer call the places where soldiers eat Mess Halls, but dining rooms.

The scene was a dining room at Fort Bragg, not too far from us in North Carolina. It was soul food day and the food serving line was full of macaroni and cheese, corn bread, fried chicken and ribs, they did have collard greens, but I think they were cooked in fat back. Come on, it was soul food day of course it was all fattening.

Anyway, the army has brought in chefs from the CIA, that’s the good CIA-Culinary Institute of America to sneak healthy food into the army diets. They also put little signs on the food to show which were the best offerings, green for good, yellow for OK and red for you-better-just-eat-a-little-of–this. Wrong, wrong, wrong. The second you start telling people that they should not have macaroni and cheese often that is all they can think about.

Now the army is in better shape than the rest of America, literally. Only ten percent of them are overweight since working out is a big part of their job, and most of them are young men who still have fabulous metabolisms. It will be better for all of them to eat a healthy diet, but just don’t tell young men that you have snuck quinoa into their apple cobbler, just do it. It is the same thing mothers have been doing for years. Carrots shreds in spaghetti sauce are never noticed and therefore never complained about.

Since our tax dollars are going to these CIA chefs creating recipes I would like them to share them with the rest of America who are something like fifty percent being over weight.

When I was a kid the first exercise book I ever saw was a little paperback my father had that was the Canadian Air force exercise program. I don’t think my Dad knew any Canadians and I certainly had never heard they had an air force of any kind, who were they protecting, polar bears? But they had a great work out routine complete with pictures of how to do lunges, way ahead of its time in 1968.

I guess that if I had a job where I would probably stay alive longer if I were able to run faster while carrying a heavy gun I would be in better shape. Since my hobby job at Durham Magazine and my passion job of head of the board at the Food Bank require only heavy mental lifting I don’t have the needed job requirements for working out. Perhaps the Canadian Air Force could use me as a consultant of some kind. I always liked looking at that little book with cute guys doing push ups.

All Is Right In The World

Posted: December 21, 2013 | Author: dana lange | Filed under: Diet- comedy | Tags: frosty, inflatable snowman | Leave a comment

Whoever says they don’t believe in Christmas miracles is no friend of mine. We have had our small, and I mean this in the tiniest way, Christmas miracle. The new snowman Russ ordered to replace his beloved ten-year-old 12 foot inflatable one arrived yesterday, a whole two weeks earlier than anticipated.

So against Shay Shay’s wishes, Russ put our new Frosty up today. See Shay is afraid of the snowman and if I thought she could open the front door and let herself both outside and back inside without us knowing I would say she took the last snowman down.

Just as the sun was setting he tied down Frosty’s stabilizing lines and the new and improved lights inside her glowed brightly. A running neighbor, Peggy rounded the corner and exclaimed, “Frosty’s back!”

So for all the children who let us know that our snowman was down in a puddle in the front yard the magic of Christmas has been restored. Thanks for the condolence notes we received about our first snowman. I must have had three-dozen comments in the last five days.

Santa is going to be able to find our house now that we have a glowing white beacon of the season in the front yard. At seventy five degrees today our inflatable Frosty is the only way to go.

I Want a Grinch

Posted: December 20, 2013 | Author: dana lange | Filed under: Diet- comedy | Tags: grinch | Leave a comment

Then he slunk to the icebox. He took the Who’s feast!

He took the Who-pudding! He took the roast beast!

He cleaned out that icebox as quick as a flash.

Why that Grinch even took their last can of Who-hash!

Then he stuffed all the food up the Chimney with glee.
“And NOW!” grinned the Grinch, “I will stuff up the tree!”

…And the one speck of food

That he left in the house

Was a crumb that was even too small for a mouse.

I am looking for this food stealing Grinch

To come to my kitchen, pantry and fridge.

This man who can clean out all of my goodies

And leave me with nothing from those gift-giving foodies.

A Grinch who could follow me around parties

And take from my plate all the fattening tarties.

Perhaps one day I can be an innocent Who

For which a cup of water and a pat on the head will do.

Gifts You Can’t Wrap

Posted: December 19, 2013 | Author: dana lange | Filed under: Diet- comedy | Tags: gift wrapping | 2 Comments

Today was the start of my wrap-a-palazzo. I don’t know why I wait so late to start wrapping; I’ve had most of my gifts for months. This is the day I discover that I have bought too many gifts for one person and not enough for another. So the gift rebalancing must happen.

Rebalancing is not that hard when you have a family made up mainly of girls. The only problem comes in the monogrammed, personalized area. I guess I could always save a gift for another year, but that certainly would mean that I could forget about that gift all together and find it in April three years later. So everyone is getting all the gifts that I intended to give him or her.

Wrapping is something I am torn about. No pun intended there. I love to create a beautiful package, but I don’t want my box, paper, ribbon, tag and any possible ornamentation to be worth more than the gift inside. I also hate to throw away all those beautiful ribbons.

I know this love of a beautifully wrapped gift came from my maternal Grandmother Mima. Every year the most gorgeous presents would arrive at our Connecticut home all the way from Knoxville, Tennessee. Each gift looked completely different from the next and all were works of art that even Martha Stewart could learn from.

I am in no way worthy to be in Mima’s league. I normally have a color theme and only use a couple of papers but lots of different ribbons, but everything must coordinate. Ribbons are my real passion. I absolutely will not confess to how many ribbons I have, but I probably don’t need to ever in my whole life purchase another ribbon, but don’t hold me to that.

The funniest thing about my love of a beautifully wrapped gift is that I really don’t want any wrapped gifts myself. The only things I want (besides needlepoint gift certificates) are experiences to share with loved ones. OK, I take that back, there is one thing — a magical redo of my closets where all my summer shoes were taken out and all my winter shoes were reorganized as well as all my summer and winter clothes which were organized by size, type and color. This is a gift I probably can only give myself so I wish that I was Jeannie from I Dream of Jeannie and I could just blink and with the flip of my pony tail my closets were done, that and I had Barbara Eden’s body.

While I am Jeannie I also wish that hunger could be ended and everyone had good job opportunities, that people were tolerant of the way other’s were born and let’s throw in world peace. See those things could never be wrapped because no wrapping on earth would ever be worthy of making a happier world.

Salad on a Stick

Posted: December 18, 2013 | Author: dana lange | Filed under: Diet- comedy | Tags: appetizers, hors d'oeuvres | 1 Comment

Recently I was looking for a healthy recipe for an hors d’oeuvre to bring to a party. Normally I don’t need a recipe for something for a party. Lord, I have cooked for at least a thousand parties between my catering business and my own entertaining. But the problem is when I think about an appetizer or finger food my mind goes to cheesy, or bacony, or bready something.

Think about the top ten finger foods:

Ham biscuits, that makes it in two categories

Baked Brie—again two check marks there because it is not just a cheese, but it either has puff pastry around it and or it is spread on a slice of French bread

Spinach artichoke dip – don’t be fooled by the mention of not just one, but two vegetables in the name, the majority of it is mayonnaise and cheese and it also must be served on something, usually a cracker or bread

Stuffed Mushrooms – Just a hollow place for hot cheese or even better crabmeat and hot cheese

Anything wrapped in bacon – of course

Crostini- that’s Italian for toast with something fattening on it

Cheese puffs or anything with the word puff in it– that just means that the butter is so well incorporated into it that is turns into butter air

Fried mozzarella- Fried equals bread and fat together then add the cheese

Mini Pizzas- This could be the mother load if you also put bacon on them

Shrimp Cocktail- – Ta Da- a healthy hors d’oeuvre. The one in ten.

Of course there is the veggie platter. I often am the only one eating it and always want to make a host happy they went to the trouble to prep all those colorful vegetables, but it is not the appetizer that makes most people really happy. Why is it that party food is the last hold out of 1960’s cuisine? If someone could just invent a salad on a stick I could be a really happy guest.

The Loss of a Loved One

Posted: December 17, 2013 | Author: dana lange | Filed under: Diet- comedy | Tags: snowmen | Leave a comment

We love snowmen in out house. Well, not the real wet kind of snowmen and not in the house. Although there are more than a gaggle of snowmen in the entry hall and probably a few hundred on the Christmas tree, but a few hundred out of a few thousand ornaments is not that many.

Our family love of Snowmen can be tracked back to Dec. 6, 2003 when Carter had her snow princess fifth birthday party. Russ and I found a twelve-foot tall inflatable snowman that greeted Carter’s princess guests as they came to the house. The snowman became quite popular in our neighborhood and somehow I was now a person who displayed an inflatable.

Since the snowman was holiday appropriate we left him up that season until Christmas was over. The next year came and people, especially those with little children asked us where our snowman was. So Russ would go to the attic and drag down the box. Each year more and more people would know us as the house with the snowman. Somehow it was OK with me since it was twelve feet tall and if you are going to have an inflatable it better be just one giant one.

Each year Russ and Carter would have to make some repair to what was bought as one time use item. The base broke apart, but they fashioned a new one out of wood and tie wraps, a hole would open up, but a small bit of duct tape would take care of that, a light would blow out, but new snowman appropriate light bulbs were available at Home Depot. Sometimes the snowman would go down and Russ would announce it might be the end of our beloved. Last year some young hooligans actually set a firecracker off at the base of the snowman, but he survived.

This year on Margaret Jones Honorary Luminary day as I was setting out my 75 white luminary bags I noticed the sun was shinning on the snowman in the most beautiful way. I took a picture of the front lawn with the bags and the snowman thinking about the changes that the snowman has seen in the last ten years.

Little did I know that luminary day was going to be the last one for our wonderful giant friend. After a decade of service the fan motor that keeps the snowman up gave way. He lay deflated in a crumpled wad of nylon on the bare grass.

You never know when it will be time to say goodbye to a family member, even one that is just full of hot air. I’m glad I got that last picture. Russ seemed to take it the hardest. He came right in the house after the no resuscitation diagnosis and got on the Internet looking for a new snowman. I quickly vetoed paying $400 for a 26-foot model. He found a new one and ordered it even though it probably won’t come until after New Years. I guess we are destined to be known as the house with the snowman.

Christmas Card Photo Day

Posted: December 15, 2013 | Author: dana lange | Filed under: Diet- comedy | Tags: Christmas Card | Leave a comment

When Carter was little I never had any trouble making our Christmas card because I literally had thousands of photos from the year to choose from. It is easy when you only have one child to make a Christmas card since you don’t have to worry if a picture is better of one child than an other. I could just pick the photo that was not just cute but really represented what Carter looked like that year.

Sometimes I picked a picture that illustrated a story from the year. My favorite one, which is worth repeating, is the time when Carter was probably five and we drove through the bank and Carter asked why the male bank teller was wearing a necklace. After we drove off I told her that he was wearing a crucifix and that showed he believed in Jesus. Carter announced she wanted an “I believe in God necklace too.”

A few days later we were walking through Sears, it seems like we walked through Sears a lot back then to get somewhere else. As we passed the jewelry section I saw that Crosses were on sale for 85% off. I guess that Jesus has a sale season. So I asked Carter if she wanted to get one. She looked at all the stock available and picked out a small dolphin from the many crucifixes. I told her that was not a Cross and she responded, “No, it’s an I believe in God dolphin.”

Well this year there are few repeatable cute stories that relate to the season. At fifteen not only am I banned from giving out personal information, but also Carter had to have veto power over any photo I might use on a Christmas card.

Since Shay Shay is now included in our card I have the dilemma that people with multiple children have of having to pick the photo that looks good of both of them. Of course Carter did not pick any of my top three choices but then she forgot I have a blog and can publish one here. So included is the photo that will not be on our card.

My cards might get to out the week between Christmas and New Years this year and I am considering that a triumph.

The Exam Period Ruin of Christmas

Posted: December 14, 2013 | Author: dana lange | Filed under: Diet- comedy | Tags: dryers, exams, washers | Leave a comment

The holidays officially came to a big time pause today. This is exam week for Carter. She may only be a freshman but now-a-days even freshman year counts towards getting into college. It stinks. No parties or fun, no Christmas music, no celebrations or preparations, except for exams.

Of course the pouring cold rain is adding to the need to be studying feeling in the house. Now I can’t help with any of the studying. The test taking is all up to Carter, but I still feel the need to be around to create an atmosphere that is conducive to learning. Even Russ woke up this morning and told me about a dream he had about having to take the SAT and needing to study math. I am sure that Russ could take the SAT without doing any studying and do quite fine so why he is having the school anxiety dream I am uncertain.

Feeling guilty about doing anything fun while Carter was stuck in her study cave Russ and I went out in the cold wet day to do the one thing that she did not want to so, to look at new washers and dryers. I was using this trip to Home Depot as a covert way to get my steps in since I was not going to walk the neighborhood and get soaking wet.

Researching washer and dryers is a horrible job. Yes we have Consumer Reports and all the tools the Internet has to overwhelm us with, but until you throw a really soiled towel in a machine and pull it from a dryer you have no idea if the duo you have chosen is a match made in heaven.

I have been thinking about a new washer and dryer for a long time. When front loaders first came out and were considered practically sexy Carter was about seven. One evening when Russ was on a business trip to China Carter and I went to the mall for dinner. We strolled through Sears on our way back to our car and lingered in the appliance department looking at the cherry red washer and dryer combos on their pedestal drawer units. A bored salesman, thrilled with a potential customer in the empty store quickly asked us if we were looking to buy. Carter in a very grown up way responded, “No, we are just dreaming.”

Eight years later I am still looking at washers, but with a little more urgency. I am less interested in the front loaders now that top loaders have gotten the center agitator removed, but I just don’t know. How much can one person read about machines? It seems like my exam schedule is to learn all I can about the market and make a decision for once and for all.

When Russ and I got home Carter decided it was a good time for us to have a really good mother daughter talk about all things non-exam related. Her procrastination may be fun for me but I eventually had to cut off the heart-felt talk and suggest she go back to the books. I still had load size specifications to review. I hate that exams ruin this week before Christmas.

Christmas as Seen Through Shay Shay’s Eyes

Posted: December 13, 2013 | Author: dana lange | Filed under: Diet- comedy | Tags: dog, labradoodle, Shay Shay | 1 Comment

Christmas is big in our house, not news. The whole house gets turned upside down with decorations. Parties, celebrations, and general merriment happen almost daily. Vast amounts of good smelling foods are constantly being cooked. Delivery people are coming to the door, sometimes two or three at a time. Wrapping paper, bows, ribbons and especially tissue paper are plentiful. All these are things that Shay Shay, our beloved labradoodle loves. Christmas is her favorite time of year.

Today my friend Lynn, affectionately called Baby Chick in our house and I had a few friends over for a little lunch and Shay was sure the whole do was just for her. She would stand at the glass door staring out as friends, some new; some unfamiliar came to her door certainly to see her she thought. Festive in her big red bow she would stand on her hind legs and greet each guest.

Certain that she was the center of everyone’s attention she circled the table as people enjoyed their lunch, pausing by the person who laughed the loudest anticipating some food might fall from their mouth, but none did.

Shay is fairly well behaved, but she can show some frustration if none of these humans who came just to rub her belly were doing their job. At one point as Shay was demanding attention I told her, “Go jump in Baby Chick’s lap.” Shay turned from me and scanned the room and made a beeline for Lynn, bounding in an unladylike way on to her. Lynn and Shay are fast friends and Shay never misses an opportunity to exploit Lynn’s weakness for a furry lovey.

Although there were plenty of unattended plates of cake sitting right at Shay’s nose she waited to take a nibble until all the guests had left the room and then only had one small taste. She was greatly disappointed it was not a liver cake.

Shay politely waited until all the guests had gone before she took some tissue paper and ripped it into tiny shreds, as is her favorite pastime. When the house was empty she despondently lay by the Christmas tree surveying wondering when the next party would start. Like a small child on Christmas morning after all the presents have been unwrapped, Shay was a little let down.

But the party is not over yet. It is just the beginning of the whole holiday season. More cooking and wrapping, more friends will arrive, the festivities continue and as far as Shay thinks we are doing this all for her. After all she is the baby of the house and isn’t Christmas more magical when seen through the eyes of a child or at least a very cute dog?

Holiday Party Explosions

Posted: December 12, 2013 | Author: dana lange | Filed under: Diet- comedy | 1 Comment

I love to entertain which is no secret to anyone, but I really blow it out at the Holidays. I think that I use my ridiculously decorated house as an excuse to have yet another party. The Christmas is only thrown up for a month a year so how many people can I get into my house to enjoy it? It’s not like I run a Christmas house tour or something, but I love to have friends come and sit at my table and eat, laugh and tell stories.

This obsession with entertaining started early. I remember cooking a dinner for my friends and our dates before a cotillion dance in 8^th grade. In college I made a full meal in my freshman dorm before a sorority dance for three couples. Even though I was able to make chicken in my toaster oven and fettuccini Alfredo in a hot pot I did not have the space to serve it the way I wanted. All five guests and myself had to sit on the floor around my trunk, which served as a table. Not the most comfortable for the girls in our dresses.

In my later years in college throwing parties got easier because I lived in a great house off campus that had a real dining room and kitchen. I remember Hugh Braithwaite loved my crab dip so much that when I ran out of crackers he used my dog Beau’s Kibble and Bit’s to scoop up the cheesy hot dip.

Now my dining room is set and ready for guests and having enough food does not seem to be a problem. The dilemma now is there are not enough days to have all the friends I want to come sit. Regular life gets in the way of Christmas merriment.

I don’t care about shopping or gifts. I just want the company of good friends, a yummy meal and lots of laughter to celebrate the season.

Warren’s Durham Day

Posted: December 11, 2013 | Author: dana lange | Filed under: Diet- comedy | Tags: warren, Watt's Grocery | Leave a comment

After nineteen years of living in Durham my very old friend Warren finally came to visit us. We had been imposing on Warren for years on our family trips to Maine every summer to stay in his Howard Johnson inspired rooms in Rockport. See Warren collects all things Howard Johnson and happens to live on the beautiful clam cove in the mid-coast very near where we go to family camp.

Thanks to a man in Raleigh who was selling a large set of Howard Johnson ice cream fountain mirrors on e-bay Warren finally broke down and drove south to pick up his winning item. I convinced him that he needed to spend one day in Durham to help break up the two days of driving down and two days back. So one day in Durham is what he got.

When we first planned the visit I did not know that he would be here for drive-through-day for the Heart of Carolina Food Drive. When he arrived I gave Warren the choice of sleeping in or getting up early and coming to the Kroger store to help collect food from people and watch me be interviewed on TV.

Warren said he could sleep anytime, but he could not get many opportunities to try and distract me while being interviewed on live TV very often. I am happy to say that he did not run behind me or make rabbit ears or do anything that would make me look bad on TV. I think the highlight of the morning for Warren was the tour of the TV van, which looks more like a spaceship.

We followed that excitement with a tour of the neighborhood and a good walk for Shay, and then we headed downtown. I took Warren to Russ’ office at American Tobacco overlooking the Durham Bulls ball park to show him how great an old factory town can look when it get’s repurposed.

We then headed to Watts Grocery so he could experience real southern food done the modern way that only the brilliant Amy Tournquist can make it. Warren, the consummate Yankee was a chicken and waffles virgin so he was deflowered right there in Watts. There’s no putting that toothpaste back in the tube now that he has had a taste of that true southern specialty.

Following lunch we ran over to Chapel Hill and stopped at the needlepoint store to pick up some finished items and Warren got to meet some stitching buddies. He had to meet Nancy the owner since she has a great love of Howard Johnson for very personal reasons and she had heard all about Warren’s house when I stitched him a Ho Jo’s ornament as a thank you for our many visits.

We rounded the day out by setting up the house for a party, packing up the very large and fragile Ho Jo’s mirrors for the drive home, taking Carter by the mall and eating soup for dinner by the Christmas tree.

One fast day in Durham and it was great to have my friend who has known me for 37 years come and visit. In between all this activity we laughed and reminisced talking about all the friends and some others we have known through the years. I hope that someone else in North Carolina sells Warren an unmailable Ho Jo’s item so he can come back for another visit soon. Our family will certainly be imposing on him in Maine soon enough and I need to do some paybacks.

I’m On TV Tomorrow

Posted: December 10, 2013 | Author: dana lange | Filed under: Diet- comedy | Tags: Food Bank, heart of Carolina | 2 Comments

Tomorrow is the Food Bank’s last day of the Heart of Carolina Food Drive. This is the time of year when people are the most generous to those who have less. The Heart of Carolina is a great way to give to the people in our community who are hungry and is our biggest food and funds drive.

Helping people have enough to eat has changed from being an emergency event to a chronic one. Most of the over half a million people the Food Bank helps are the working poor and children. Our Food Bank is incredibly efficient with all we are given. We can turn every dollar into five meals. Ninety-seven percent of all our donations turn into food that goes right out to feed one of our neighbors.

Your help is needed and appreciated by so many people you may never know, but especially by me. Tomorrow I will be at the Kroger on Hillsborough St. in Durham at 7:30 AM and will be on ABC-11 TV during the local cut in of Good Morning America. If you can stop by and bring food or funds I would love to see you there.

If you can’t come out to Kroger please consider donating online. Last year so many of you donated to my Less Dana fund where you gave over $53,000 to the Food Bank. I will be eternally grateful to all of you who have supported the great work the Food Bank does.

I know that everyone is busy at 7:30 in the morning on December 11 so just click on this link to donate Heart of Carolina Donation. I hope that you and your family are always fortunate to never know hunger. I am fortunate to know you and count all you friends as one of my greatest blessings.

$3,791 a Day For Exercise is Just Too Much

Posted: December 9, 2013 | Author: dana lange | Filed under: Diet- comedy | 1 Comment

It’s raining again. I think the weather has been yucky for the last few days. Of course it is nothing in Durham like it is around most of the country. I am not going to complain about our rain when it could be ice or snow. But officially winter has not started yet and I do live in North Carolina so I feel entitled to nice weather 90% of the time.

Our dog Shay Shay who has never left the state also dislikes rain and cold weather. If we open our front door in the morning and it’s raining she stands at the glass door with a sad sack look on her face and turns and goes back to bed, opting to hold it rather than go out in the rain. I have to drag her outside and then she will go about three feet from the front door pee and run back to the house.

All this rain is not helping me get my exercise done. Yes I still go and see my trainer in the rain, but that exercise hardly registers any steps on my wrist master. I did some time on the elliptical only to discover no steps were registered with that machine. I guess the gliding motion does not count.

My friend Margaret, who lives in Minneapolis, texted me a picture of her gym this morning to show me how she is able to get her steps in. The room must have 300 exercise machines in it. Poor Margaret. When she used to live in Durham I would see her walking outdoors almost everyday. I can’t imagine doing all my steps inside.

Actually I can imagine it because that is what I have been doing the last few rainy days. Today after lunch I went to Costco. I thought I might really be able to get a lot of steps in there and stay dry and do some shopping all at the same time. I looked at my phone to see what number I was starting at. I had only gone a measly 3,005 steps by 1:45 in the afternoon.

With my cart and card in hand I started in at eh big screen TVs. I wanted to make the most of the steps as well as the Christmas shopping so I went up and down every aisle of the warehouse. I tried to keep up a good pace but some elderly shoppers as well as some interesting items slowed me up. For the record no senior citizens were injured in my workout/shopping trip.

I made sure not to miss a single aisle even the automotive one where I knew there was not one item I needed. I found many things to buy to the tune of spending $419. I was certain that I must have taken at least 2,500 steps. As I rolled my full cart out to the far reaches of the parking lot I looked at the step counter. Only 1105 steps!! That worked out to just under forty cents per step. WHAT! At that rate it would cost me $3,791 to get my 10,000 step goal.

I am giving up on getting steps shopping. It is hard enough to maneuver a cart around all those people browsing and avoiding the sampling elves yelling out, “Try my chocolate peppermint bark,” is enough to do me in. I did consider stopping in the Home Depot next door to get steps in without any temptations, but my socks were sliding down inside my shoes and I had a car full of expensive food that I thought I should get home.

I am hoping that the rain lets up soon and I can walk my dog outdoors like a good southern girl likes to do. I can’t bring myself to go to one of those exercise factories like Margaret has in the great cold north.

Step To It

Posted: December 8, 2013 | Author: dana lange | Filed under: Diet- comedy | Tags: fit bit, Nike fuel band, step counting bracelt | 2 Comments

There is always one day during the season that seems to be more packed with holiday get togethers than any other and yesterday was it. Not only were there parties galore but it was also Carter’s birthday so Christmas and birthday celebrations had to be entwined together.

After Carter passed the driver’s test and was dropped off at school for a basketball ball game I was able to enjoy one of my favorite annual traditions, my friend Morgan’s annual wreath making party. Morgan is a queen of flower arrangements and loves to bring out women’s inner crafter by providing everything necessary to make a beautiful wreath from scratch. I love this party and have made some great wreaths over the years, but my real talent at this party is the bow making part of the craft.

Since I normally spend half my time making my own wreath and half making bows for other people I decided this year to just make bows. My friend Christy is also a bow princess herself so she and I set up shop in the bow room, which was an oriental rug covered room with a garage door that opened to the outside where the wreath making tables spanned the length of the driveway. Inside our room were tables and shelves covered in hundreds of different rolls of every kind of ribbon one could want; burlap, silk, sheer and sparkly. Martha Stewart would be jealous.

As we whipped up many different ribbon adornments for our friends beautiful creations Christy, who is also a Fit Bit wearer said to me, “I don’t think we are getting many steps in making these bows.” That’s when I started marching in place while looping the ribbon back and forth to create a pompom number.

Later that night while at my neighbor’s holiday cocktail party my friend Lee tapped her Nike Fuel band step counter on her wrist to see how many steps away from goal she was. That prompted us to take a spin around the host’s house to help us get closer to goal and visit the bar at the same time. I looked around the room and noticed that many of us middle aged women types had on our step counting bracelets with our cocktail dresses. I had not yet met my goal before going to that party so I needed to keep mine on.

I am happy to report that since I started wearing my Fit Bit I have lost five pounds. It is not all because of the steps I am taking but I have really cracked down on my portion control so that the holidays do not get the better of me. But the step counting is responsible for keeping me on track and acts as a constant reminder. Why would I want to put in all this work to get 10,000 steps a day and then blow it by eating too much?

I ended the day hosting Carter’s birthday get together by taking four girls to the Harris Teeter at midnight in their PJ’s to get some sleepover junk food. I was happy I had gotten all my steps in by then so I did not have to traipse through the store in my flannel nightgown. I’m fairly sure that no one at the grocery store at midnight had on a step counting bracelet anyway.

Happy Birthday Carter

Posted: December 7, 2013 | Author: dana lange | Filed under: Diet- comedy | Tags: driving | 4 Comments

What would make a teenager wake up at 6:30 on a Saturday morning when she could sleep in? The answer has to be that it’s her fifteenth birthday and she was going to the DMV to take her learners permit test. Yes, Carter is fifteen today.

As I was driving her over in the grey drizzle of the morning light I thought about this day fifteen years ago when I was just looking forward to finally meeting Carter. I could not even imagine getting to this rite of passage then.

I looked over at my daughter who is a good four inches taller than me as she studied her road signs and I just blinked thinking about the day she learned to ride a bike without training wheels. I remember watching her ride with confidence away from me that first time and I cried knowing that it was the beginning of the independence a child feels when they control where they are going.

Of course I get to spend the next year in the passenger seat as she master’s driving amongst the other citizens on the road. Time in the car has always been a place of great discussions, confessions and advice. I am saddened thinking that I have only 365 short days left of our time together especially since I don’t really want her to tell me about her school day when she is driving.

Driving is one big step away from home. I’ve spent the years training her to be ready to go but have done nothing to get myself ready. All these driving courses and learners permits and provisional licenses and what is there for parents? No course in being ready for our child to leave the nest.

I am not a bird who lays an egg and pushes that baby out of the nest to learn to fly and then lays another egg and does it all over again. I have but one little bird, no more to come and although I want her to fly far and high I know I will miss her. I already miss holding the steering wheel.

So, happy birthday Carter. Congratulations on passing your learners permit test. Your father and I are very proud of who you have become and are still becoming. Just remember you are always welcome to sit in the passenger seat and tell me about your day.

No Christmas Cookie Zone

Posted: December 6, 2013 | Author: dana lange | Filed under: Diet- comedy | Tags: christmas cookies, gingerbread house | Leave a comment

Part of my Christmas decorating over-doing-it involves making a ginger bread house. This is an activity that Carter also likes to join in on so we usually end up with at least two houses. Since Carter turns 15 tomorrow she has been spending her precious free time studying her drivers ed book in preparation for taking her learners permit test. I finally got tired of waiting for her and went ahead and made one house myself today.

I did not want to be tempted by baking gingerbread so I took the cheaters way out and used my plastic house as the base. I employed those hard store bought ginger snaps as the covering of my house. I am a soft cookie kind of girl so I was not enticed to nibble on my building materials.

I purposely bought candies to decorate with that are not my favorite, starlight mints, spiced gum drops and mint M&M’s. Now I normally would have some trouble with an open bag of M&M’s but the combination odors of ginger snaps and mint is down right disgusting. This was not something I planned. I bought the mint M&M’s because they came in three shades of green.

Leaving many of the candies that hold allure to my mouth as well as my gingerbread house-decorating gene on the store shelves made creating a sugar dream hard. The house is not my best looking, but it was my lowest caloric gingerbread house ever at zero. In the end that makes it a winner in my eyes.

Abstaining is the only way I can deal with holiday goodies. I am thankful that my friend Carol has a no-cookie option at her annual cookie swap. The people who come to her house go all out in their creations of delicious cookies. The problem with cookie swaps is I want to taste each type of cookie I get and since you only get three of 30 different cookies that is a lot of tastes.

Even if I bring the cookies home and put them right in the freezer they are not safe from me. It is amazing how good frozen cookies are. So holiday baking is out as well as holiday candy making. Skipping the sweets and keeping my mouth sugar free will not ruin my holiday like gaining holiday pounds would.

Rest In Peace Nelson Mandela

Posted: December 5, 2013 | Author: dana lange | Filed under: Diet- comedy | Tags: Nelson Mandela, South Africa | Leave a comment

As a college student in the early eighties in America my exposure to South Africa was all about apartheid and the pressure on multinational companies doing business in South Africa to end human rights abuses. It was a very one-sided view of a complicated country and one that brought me no interest in ever going there.

Fast forward to 1996. Nelson Mandela had won the presidency two years before in the first multiracial elections after he negotiated the end to apartheid. Things were changing fast in South Africa but the news of the country still left me disinterested in visiting.

Then I was tasked with finding locations to shoot commercials for BT, the British Telephone Company and before I knew it I was on a place from London to Johannesburg. Although I was sick of hearing about South Africa from the years of news coverage I actually knew practically nothing about the country.

My disinterest was immediately replaced with a love at first sight in my first days in the beautiful country. The people I met there, both black and white, were incredibly kind, sweet, generous and interesting. I visited the homes of a tribe of Pedi who wore tartan kilts, game preserves that raised big cats, farms of Afrikaners who raised ostriches, the Kruger Park for safaris as well as the grand palace resort in Sun City.

People would ask me if in America I had heard of what Nelson Mandela was doing in South Africa. The question was posed to me with different inflections depending on who was doing the asking. I told them of course I had heard of him. Clearly things were changing fast in this country. The surprise I felt most is that all the people I met appeared to be the happiest people on earth. I don’t know if they were that way before Mandela’s election, but I have to guess they were inclined that way naturally because it was so genuine.

It came as a little bit of a shock to me since I had spent the fifteen previous years being bombarded by media reports of strife and great unhappiness in South Africa. Of course reality is not always the way things are portrayed in the news, but I definitely got the feeling that much of the good that was happening was due to the work that Nelson Mandela did.

South Africa is still the one place on earth I want to revisit. The people I met there made me feel welcomed and treasured. They were excited about the possibility of my shooting commercials in their beautiful country and showing the British that South Africa was so much more than the country that had apartheid. I am thankful I was able to visit South Africa when Nelson Mandela was President and see what he was doing. God Bless Nelson Mandela.

Cooking Contest

Posted: December 3, 2013 | Author: dana lange | Filed under: Diet- comedy | 3 Comments

I need a videographer. That sounds like a big word. I really just need someone to hold my phone and videotape me. I am thinking of entering a contest to get on a TV show that is a healthy cooking chef contest. I don’t have much time. The videos are due on Sunday.

I barely qualify since it is a contest for cooking professionals, but they say past cooking experience is acceptable and catering is one of the categories. Recipe developers also count and since my original recipes appear in Durham Magazine and I have been paid for them that makes me a professional.

The main thrust of the contest is to find Chefs who can take regular recipes and make them in a more healthy way. On that front I consider myself a master. Who better than someone who spends their days trying to come up with ways to lose weight that still involves eating?

My big hope is that they are also looking for someone who can tell funny stories while slimming down a recipe. That would put this contest right in my wheelhouse. But I will never know if I don’t get someone who is skilled at filming, or at least has a steady hand to help me make this five-minute video.

I also have to come up with a dish I want to makeover from something fattening to something healthy and yummy. It has been so long that I have thought about fattening food that I can’t begin to think of a subject to makeover. The whole universe is open to me and I am drawing a blank. I should have spent the day looking at cookbooks and not doing errands. Something will come to me, but it won’t matter if I can’t tape it and send it off.

So send me suggestions of fattening dishes I can makeover and please let me know if you can help me tape.

Turkey Day Calorie Math

Posted: December 1, 2013 | Author: dana lange | Filed under: Diet- comedy | Leave a comment

On Thanksgiving I ate one helping of the regular kind of turkey day stuff, carrots, sweet potatoes, turkey, stuffing, gravy, green beans and half of a dessert. The next day the scale was up one pound. Certainly the salt in the food I ate helped retain enough water to makeup that weight gain because I in no way ate 3,500 extra calories in that one meal.

It took the next three days of nun like eating to rid myself of that one Thanksgiving meal. Was that celebratory meal worth it? Probably not, but depriving myself the next three days was worth getting back on center since the eating season has started.

The only way I can last through the parties and eating reverie that is planned for the last month of the year is to actively and dramatically cut back on all consumption and not give into the carb fest that is the Christmas holiday season. The one meal of Thanksgiving is proof that my body loves those calories so much that when it gets hold of them they holds on tight.

There are no BLT’s in the month of December for me – and no I’m not talking about a tasty Bacon Lettuce and Tomato Sandwich. BLT’s are bites, licks and tastes. Just a bit of Christmas cookie, or sip of eggnog are the calories that stick hard to me. Using Thanksgiving as a guide if I let myself eat one holiday meal at every party I am invited to it will take me over three months of near starvation and constant working out to just get back to where I am now.

But I don’t want to miss a party, or hide away from all the fun just because it is filled with dangerous food. No, I will go head long into the celebration, but I will go armed and ready. If you have invited me to your home please don’t be offended if I pass on your delicious fare. I know others will love it. I instead will enjoy seeing you and visiting with friends. My happiness is not dependent on eating something yummy. My happiness is also not dependent on my scale, but staying the course certainly will not add stress to my life.

Goodbye to Thanksgiving and hello to Christmas. I know we can be good friends and have a healthy holiday season.

No More Stuff

Posted: November 30, 2013 | Author: dana lange | Filed under: Diet- comedy | Tags: cash, gifts, stuff | 1 Comment

No More Stuff

When I was young, like in the single digits young I really liked stuff. I liked collecting stuff, buying stuff, and being given stuff. My accumulating period lasted a long time, probably until I was about 40. Then suddenly I looked around and I had more stuff than I needed. My house was full, my garage was full, and my attic was definitely overly full. I went from wanting to get stuff to never wanting any more stuff ever again. I reached my tipping point.

Now I am anti-stuff. I don’t want people to bring me anything or give me any gifts, except needlepoint gift certificates because that is about making treasured Christmas ornaments, which are certainly not stuff. When I finished decorating the tree today Carter came up and announced it was “beautiful.” I asked her if she minded all the Christmas being out now and she said no, since she did not have to do any of the work.

With all the Fa-la-la-la-la surrounding us she wanted to know what I wanted for Christmas. “No stuff,” I declared. “I don’t like stuff.” “Well, Mom, what about all these Christmas Decorations?” I tried to make the distinction but she countered me with the “It has matter so it’s stuff” argument. A science minded child has me there.

So now I must be more precise in my language. There are very few things in the universe I want and if I really wanted them I will buy them. If I don’t know they exist then I will never want them. But most everything I don’t want and I don’t want the burden of having it. I am overrun with the stuff I thought I wanted but found out I did not really need until after I owned it.

My problem is now that I am anti-more I have become bad at finding gifts for those who really want, need or deserve something. Nothing fits better than cash, but it does seem lazy and impersonal. It is fine to give to people who really need money, but going to a friend’s house for dinner and giving them a twenty-dollar bill might be considered tacky. But why? Is showing up with a twenty-dollar candle really better?

I hate to fall prey to the gift card cop-out, but the more I think about it the more right it sounds. For those people who might take offense to the cash option a well thought out gift card to a place I know they already love and frequent may be the answer. Whole Foods, Starbucks and I-tunes here I come. That way if they don’t want more stuff either they can just get something consumable and for one brief moment they can think kindly about me rather than curse me years later for adding to all their stuff.

It’s Not Black Friday at Our House

Posted: November 29, 2013 | Author: dana lange | Filed under: Diet- comedy | Tags: Christmas Decorating, needle point | 2 Comments

The only good news about not being at the farm for Thanksgiving is that I was able to spend today getting Christmas thrown up at my house today. It actually is a great thing since the time between Thanksgiving and Christmas is a week shorter this year.

I’m a Christmas nut. All the public rooms of our house get decorated. Every year I add something major to the decorating. I spent the whole year making needlepoint Christmas ornaments. My goal was to make a dozen. I slightly exceeded my own self-imposed target by just a little. When the last of them get back from the fabricator I will have made 32, only a 266% increase. Don’t let anyone ever tell you I am not an over achiever. Let’s not talk about what I did not get done this year because I was needle pointing.

Since I have a fourteen foot Christmas tree with ornaments in the multi thousands I decided that my needlepoint needed it’s own tree. The problem is that I really do not have a place for another tree. So I decided to run garland around the entrance to the living room and hang the needlepoint there. I like it, but I certainly have a lot more space to fill since I did garland on both sides of the entrance. I guess that I need to keep up my stitching pace if I am going to be satisfied with that décor next Christmas.

Russ felt well enough today to help take the boxes and the tree out of the attic. I have created a child who says she hates Christmas because she dislikes helping get all the decorations out of its off-season storage. Not that she has to do any of the decorating work with the exception of helping put the tree together. Yes, we have an artificial tree. It became mandatory when our real fourteen-foot tree fell over one year and crushed many of my beloved ornaments.

I stayed holed up in my sweats hanging stockings and creating Christmas villages under glass. The tree is up with all its 30,000 lights and the red cranberry garland. Tomorrow I will decorate the tree and the house will be done. It was no black Friday for me. It is red and green Friday at our house!

Be Thankful For Your Health

Posted: November 28, 2013 | Author: dana lange | Filed under: Diet- comedy | Tags: Canceling Thanksgiving | 1 Comment

As far as I am concerned Charlie Brown’s Thanksgiving has nothing on us. Last week my mother called me and told me she was canceling Thanksgiving. Those were her exact words, “I’m canceling Thanksgiving.” I asked her if she had the power to do that, cancel Thanksgiving as an actual event, and she said that she was canceling having people to her house for Thanksgiving.

See my Dad had been sick for the two previous weeks and since he is the cook in the house my mother feared that he might still be sick on Thanksgiving and then what would happen. Turns out my poor father had C.Diff a very strong bacterial bug that wrecks your digestive system.

The day my mother changed our long standing trip to the farm for turkey day and the day after farm frolicking with friends I was up to my eye balls with meetings. I could not handle the thought of cooking Thanksgiving for three of us so I called out club and made reservations. That night my mother called back and said she thought she could come to our house for Thanksgiving. I added another place at our reservation.

Telling Russ and Carter we were going to eat Thanksgiving out was met with huge despair. “What, no leftovers,” they said practically in unison. “Fine,” I replied, “I will also cook some “leftovers.”

The next day my mother e-mailed and said my father was feeling better and might be able to also come for Thanksgiving. Another call to the club to add one more. I did not consider broaching the subject of my bringing the whole Thanksgiving meal to the farm and just going ahead and uncanceling our regular tradition. Two days later another e-mail – Dad’s still not good, he won’t be coming.

So yesterday I brined a turkey breast, made stewed tomatoes and this morning I made stuffing and a pecan pie. Most of these things I am trying to avoid. As I was finishing up my leftover cooking the phone rang. It was my mother calling. “I can’t come to Thanksgiving. I have the same thing your father has.” Now I have reservations for five and a whole extra Thanksgiving cooked in the kitchen and two regular eaters and me who really should only have a little turkey and tomatoes.

I was just heading upstairs to change into go out to “dinner” clothes for a 1:00 reservation and the doorbell rings. Who comes to your house unannounced on Thanksgiving? It was my Dad who had come for Thanksgiving. Not only was he much better, but also my mother never told him we were going to have lunch at the club and he was not dressed in his “go to his daughter’s club” attire. You can tell how communication goes in my family.

We all were thankful for his recovery and being there and said clothes made no difference on Thanksgiving. While we were at lunch I saw my friend Amanda who had just finished getting her house painted and had a totally empty kitchen. They came to the club for Thanksgiving but she forgot that her husband Scott and teenage son Evan might need to eat tonight. Since I had spent the whole day cooking Thanksgiving to eat as leftovers I invited them over for dinner. So after lunch I made some fresh cranberry relish, a pork tenderloin and some Brussels sprouts and Russ announces that his three week long headache has not reached a debilitating level and he took to the bed for relief.

Our friends came and Carter and I shared our dinner with them, which was a real bright spot in this Thanksgiving. I hope that my mother recovers quickly and that Russ can shake this headache. Right now I am thankful we are not in the emergency room and I am praying that tomorrow is a better day.

I hope that you and yours enjoyed a day full of family, food and laughter and the fighting and grudges were kept to a minimum. We all have so much to be thankful for and I will not take lightly when someone says they are thankful for their health.

The Tighter The Better

Posted: November 27, 2013 | Author: dana lange | Filed under: Diet- comedy | Tags: belts, Muumuus, Thanksgiving dinner, tight clothes | Leave a comment

Sometime this week while I was getting dressed the TV was on and I saw a segment on some morning show talking about what women should wear to Thanksgiving dinner. It was not really a fashion segment as much as it was a comfort segment.

The TV hosts was promoting the wearing of clothes that give and stretch so that the woman could eat as much as possible and not feel like a sausage in too tight a casing. Jeans, belts, tights and of course Spanx were declared Turkey day no-no’s. Leggings, empire waist dresses and flowy maxi dresses made the what-to-wear list.

I am sorry I do not have a TV show to counter the shows opinion. At least I have this blog. Thanksgiving has the potential to be the most gluttonous day of an already eat-big American mentality. Sure it is a day steeped in food tradition. Yes, I do begin to crave Thanksgiving staples of stuffing and pecan pie a month before the holiday, but we don’t need to eat so much that our regular clothes might prevent us from enjoying our meal.

I say wear the tight clothes, the belt, the shape wear. Be reminded by something that you don’t need to go back to the buffet a second or third time. One visit with one plate of all the foods you love should suffice. One dessert, or maybe two bites of two different pies is plenty. Once you have had a taste, over doing it will not make it taste better.

If you wear a muumuu, perhaps without any underpants then nothing is going to trigger the its-time-to-stop-eating uncomfortable feeling until you have distended your stomach to dangerous levels.

I say wear the tight clothes to Thanksgiving. A big belt you can’t loosen is a good idea. Spanx, perhaps even the full body shaper is a definite yes on the day devoted to eating. Being a little confined could easily cut your calorie consumption in half. Yes it could be painful at the table, but better that tightness for a few hours and prevent all your regular clothes being too tight the whole month of December from the weight you gained at one Thanksgiving meal.

I’m actually considering not just wearing tight clothes but also some hobbling device, which would prevent me from being able to get up and walk back to the serving table. I figure with enough painful contraptions as I can make I might create some physiological dislike for Turkey day food.

A Life Without Left Hand Turns

Posted: November 26, 2013 | Author: dana lange | Filed under: Diet- comedy | Tags: driving, lessons | 1 Comment

Carter is fast approaching her fifteenth birthday. For her that means she gets to take her learners permit test and begin practice driving. For me it means I get to spend the next year nervously in the passenger seat. Carter is a good driver, lord she should be she has been driving at the farm since she was six or seven when she was the size of a small adult and could reach the peddles. But driving on your own property, in fact in vast open spaces, without other crazy drivers coming at you is easy.

As I was driving my regular route to Carter’s school this afternoon to pick her and her friend Paloma up to go to the movies I thought about the traffic I was encountering. There is one terrible intersection where I have to make a left hand turn and every other car at the intersection has the right away over me and the traffic is never ending. Making a left hand turn without the aid of a traffic light is a real test in my patience.

I counted how many left hand turns I had to make on the quick nine-minute trip to school — In total there were six. Now the way I go is not the only possibility, but it certainly is the fastest if you can skillfully make all those left hand turns between speeding cars whizzing past you. Thinking about a new driver, even a good one, having to negotiate those left turns began to make me nervous.

Come the first few weeks of driving I think we will go the less perilous longer routes until Carter can gain the confidence needed. But as soon as I’m comfortable I want her to practice as many left hand traffic filled turns as she can while I am still in the passenger seat for guidance.

Sure a parent can try and smooth things out for their teenager by always finding the all right hand turn ways to go, but at some point life is going to throw you a left hand turn. Better to learn how to handle yourself in difficult situations and practice over and over again so it just does not become such a big deal. This is all easy for me to say now when I still have ten days before the actual driving starts. I wonder what other life lesson situations I can throw Carter into while she is still living at home?

Putting It Out There and Getting It Back

Posted: November 25, 2013 | Author: dana lange | Filed under: Diet- comedy | Leave a comment

For a couple of weeks I was not as fully committed to healthy eating as I needed to be. It started with our trip to the Caribbean for a wedding where I just ate whatever I wanted. The following two weeks from that were none too good either and before I knew it I had gained a few pounds.

Last week, knowing I had to get back in the saddle big time I blogged that I was sick of my salad life. Many of you good readers came to my rescue with recipes and advice. One regular reader even volunteered that soup was her key and said she would bring me some when she made her next batch.

Just the kind words of encouragement seemed to kick start me back into place. I found a happy place with my salad lunch and started having soup for dinner. This all did the trick and I have lost all the naughty weight I gained on my hiatus.

Today I got a surprise visit from Debbie, my neighbor and soup volunteer with not one but two containers of different soups and the recipes. Now lots of people talk a great game, especially in the blog world, but few actually follow up and bring you the goods. I am incredibly touched by her generosity. She said she read the blog every night so I know she will see my thanks here.

I believe in putting out into the world what you want to happen. It does not always occur right away or in the format you had expected but sharing your burdens, as long as you are not whinny, helps somehow. When I wrote I was sick of salad, which was code for I’ve fallen off the wagon, somehow magically the next day I was not only back on the wagon, but I was back to losing weight at a rate I had not seen in months.

So what do you want? Scream it out to the world, but be ready to listen. There are only so many different problems that we all face and most certainly you have a friend who has overcome the issue you are dealing with. Why cope with something alone? Ask for help, advice, prayers or just a kind ear.

Don’t be sucked into some crazy social media idea that you need to only project some perfect imagine. Asking for help is the start on a path to improvement. I know I don’t say it enough to all you wonderful people who comment on the blog, but you keep me going everyday. Thanks for all your kind words, your great advice, even your snarky comments. I put it all out there in the world and I am appreciative of what I hear back.

Best Time is Around the Table

Posted: November 24, 2013 | Author: dana lange | Filed under: Diet- comedy | Tags: DA Fall Formal | 2 Comments

Last night was Carter’s first high school formal. Of course I would be the worst mother on earth if I actually revealed any of the details, not that I actually know any. But what was reported to me is that the dinner beforehand was the most fun part. I think that was because a group of Carter’s friends all went to dinner together and discovered the fun of spending time around a big round table talking and enjoying a meal together.

The parents had all gathered to drop the kids off at the same time to get pictures of the exchanging of flowers. The kids went into dinner some of the parents came back to our house to have chili and salad. Many did not know each other and it was a nice way for them to meet. At the appointed time a few parents went back to pick the kids up to drive them to the dance.

The after dinner mood was jovial and relaxed, a good sign for a group of ninth graders. While we waited for the cars to pull up the kids asked me to take a few more photos. I think that if the formal had just continued in parking lot everyone would have thought it was a successful night.

When I asked the young man who rode in my car how dinner was he said great, but he did not get dessert and was wondering if there would be dessert at the dance. I am sure there is never enough food for a fourteen-year-old boy.

To me sitting around a dining room table is the best place to really get to know people. It is more than a meal. It is better than a buffet where people can sit randomly. I feel like conversation at the table flows more easily and everyone is at the same eye level.

People don’t have dinner parties the way they used to which is a sad thing to me. It is really not as much about the food, but about the company. Russ and I often say we need to have more dinner parties and we get into a little rush of throwing them and then life gets in the way and we let off the dinner party peddle.

Now I think I need to throw a couple dinner parties for Carter and her friends. Dances are fun, but I think that young adults sitting around the table together is the best way to grow up. I hope that you and yours will enjoy some quality time around a few tables in the next week.

This Old Broad

Posted: November 23, 2013 | Author: dana lange | Filed under: Diet- comedy | Tags: This Old House | 2 Comments

When I first met my husband he had recently bought his first house, an eighty-year-old four square. Russ came from a family of devoted This Old House (TOH) watchers and he turned me on to watching the famous PBS fixer upper show as we worked together on his old house. In our twenty-two years together we have seen every episode, most multiple times.

I think Bob Vila was the original host, and then came Steve Thomas and now it is Kevin O’Conner, although the hosts have changed the subject matter experts have not. Norm the carpenter, Tom the builder, Richard the plumber and Roger the landscaper are the guys who really explain how to fix things and consequently I have acquired an encyclopedic knowledge of home keeping and repair.

Much to Russ’ happiness the success of This Old House spawned a new series Ask This Old House so we get a whole hour of home improvement education every weekend.

I realized as I was watching the crew of old house experts that I was wishing their was a This Old Broad show where trusted experts in skin care, hair, sleep and all things pertaining to the aging female existed. Just like on TOH the TOB crew could take a once classic woman who have gotten a little rough around the edges and spend an entire television season improving her.

Viewers could learn how to tone sagging arms or bring back the rose to now dry cheeks. The best techniques in improving old teeth or dull hair could be tried. More than a one-day makeover the show could follow the Old Broad over weeks and weeks and see what is possible when exercising continually or changing your diet.

Like the different types of architecture addressed on TOH, TOB could feature women with different issues, like someone who discovers they are diabetic, or has celiac disease. If there are any TV producers liking this idea I am willing to be the very first guinea pig for this series. I’ve always been a broad, but I’m willing to fight off becoming an old broad.

Eaters Glasses

Posted: November 22, 2013 | Author: dana lange | Filed under: Diet- comedy | Tags: glasses, readers | Leave a comment

We’ve all heard the saying, “My eyes are bigger than my stomach,” to describe when someone puts more food on their plate than they can eat. Thanksgiving is the poster holiday for this syndrome. A person who says this is actually fairly in touch with their stomach because at least they recognized that their stomach was full before their plate was empty.

I am not one of those people. If food is on my plate I almost certainly will eat it no matter how full my stomach is. No wonder I have to work on my weight everyday. I have never been one of those women who puts a teaspoonful of food on my plate and can eat tiny bird like bites making it last through the whole meal and still leave something on my plate. Volume is more my plate’s theme.

I don’t know what all the psychology is behind this but I like a full plate. I have gone to using the smallest plates I can find. Carter has a really nice play tea set from when she was a baby and I think I should pull that out to eat off daily.

A few years ago I developed the aging eye problem of being unable to read normal text and had to start wearing “readers”. Gradually, I have gotten stronger and stronger pairs and have to have one with me at all time to do almost anything. The best part about readers is that if I wear them when I’m eating my food looks bigger.

Maybe I can invent some “eaters glasses” that virtually quadruple the look of the food on my plate so my mind thinks I am getting a lot to eat. I could wear them when I go through a buffet line so I actually only put a little food on the plate. I am sure I am not the only person whose “stomach is bigger than their eyes.” Certainly the waistlines I see walking around the mall tell me that.

These “eaters glasses” could help solve the American obesity problem. Restaurants that pride themselves on giving giant portions like The Cheesecake Factory could hand them out to all their diners and then just serve regular portions. Everyone would think they are getting enough food to sustain themselves for a week when in reality it could just be one meal’s worth.

Since I am a volume eater I have cut out eating many beloved foods like pasta or rice because I am not good at eating a little of it. I fill my plate up with salad or broccoli just so my eyes are going to know I had a lot, which makes my stomach happy. But if I had the “eaters glasses” I might be able to eat a greater variety of food in much much smaller portions and still keep my mind and stomach happy.

So if you see me at a meal with what looks like coke bottle glasses on I probably have not gone practically blind, but I am just testing out my new invention. If this does not work I think I may try some invention, which limits how widely I can open my mouth thus limiting how big a bite I can take.

The Skinny Turkey Syndrome

Posted: November 21, 2013 | Author: dana lange | Filed under: Diet- comedy | Tags: Butterball, turkey | 1 Comment

The other day I heard a news bulletin that the turkey producer Butterball put out saying that there was a serious shortage of big fresh turkeys this year. When Butterball says big they are talking about the ever popular 20 pound plus birds that are capable of feeding all the family around the dining room table and the ones at the kids table too.

This shortage was apparently not due to poor planning on the turkey producers part, but on some strange dieting affliction the turkeys took on, perhaps in the hopes of saving their lives. That’s right, anorexia has come to the poultry house. Turkeys whose only job it was to eat and get fat found something else to do.

Maybe one enterprising bird developed Zumba for T-birds and had the whole rafter of turkeys (that’s what a group of domesticated turkeys are called) dancing the pounds away. I think that good farmers do play music in their poultry houses just to keep birds happy because we all know that happy birds taste better. Perhaps there was a little to much hip hop wafting through the rafters and got the birds to dancing rather than eating.

I doubt that turkeys had figured out that the fat birds all disappeared when they got to a certain size so if they just stayed skinny they could save themselves to live another day. Whatever the reason, turkeys have learned to diet.

The good news from Butterball was that they had plenty of giant frozen birds available. Perhaps this “news” story was all a ploy to get rid of frozen turkey inventory. Butterball was giving the turkey buying public enough notice that they could have time to buy a frozen bird and thaw it in time for Thanksgiving. For me it is not the timing issue, but do I have enough room in my freezer or refrigerator just to hold said giant bird. I need more notice to find a way to get rid of all the food already in the freezer.

Whatever the reason for the big turkey shortage I would like to get to the bottom of how turkey’s have turned into successful dieters so I could incorporate their weightloss plan for myself. I am always looking for ways to change up my program and get those last pounds off. I guess I just need to go in search of those newly svelte birds. It seems like People, oh I mean, Poultry Magazine could do a cover story on this. Nothing sells magazines like a great before and after picture.

If you were planning on getting a big fresh turkey at the last minute let this be your warning, you might have to settle for two skinny birds. Let’s pray that breast reductions are not what’s next in turkey fashion.

The Kitchen is Too Clean to Cook

Posted: November 20, 2013 | Author: dana lange | Filed under: Diet- comedy | Leave a comment

I’m not one of those wives who hates to cook. I love to create mostly because I like to eat. I am also a clean as I cook type. I can’t stand to share a kitchen with someone who uses every pot and stacks the dirty ones in the sink to wash after all the cooking is done. I especially like to clean the counters as I go.

I am lucky enough to have a wonderful housekeeper, Blanca who cleans my kitchen once a week like I am going to preform surgery in it. She moves every item on all the counters and washes everything three times including the floor. Blanca has been coming to my house on Tuesdays for as long as I can remember.

Since her cleaning visits are like clock work and I do love a clean kitchen you would think I would do all my serious cooking on Sunday and Monday. If I was smart enough to do that we could just eat leftovers for a couple of days right after Blanca cleaned, thus preserving the kitchen’s pristine condition. But sadly, I am not that smart. I rarely plan meals very far in advance even though I always cook too much when I do cook.

It never fails that I run out of my staple item, pan sautéed boneless skinless chicken thighs the very moment Blanca has finished cleaning the kitchen. There is hardly a messier item that I cook regularly than chicken thighs, with whatever fat is still left on them spattering all over the stove, the floor and somehow getting airborne and depositing on all surfaces of the kitchen. Now before you email me about spatter guards and the like, they don’t help, I’ve tried.

So now the kitchen is too clean to cook in. That could go multiple ways. I could chose not to eat at all. Not much chance. I could get take out. Not too good for us. We could go out to eat, not much time with homework and the like. We could scrounge up whatever leftover are in my fridge. A good possibility , but everyone may have to eat different food. The real danger in not cooking is that I might be tempted to eat something more fattening than I should . If I preplan and prepare in advance when I am not already hungry I make better choices.

So to solve the I-want-to-preserve-the-really-clean-kitchen-as-long-as-possible dilemma I need to plan days in advance and cook on the weekends. Do you think it is too late to turn into someone who eats to live?

I’m Sick of Salad

Posted: November 19, 2013 | Author: dana lange | Filed under: Diet- comedy | 2 Comments

I forgot I write a blog today. I forgot I am still many pounds away from my goal. I remembered that I had to walk 10,000 steps and I still have four hundred to go, but I have to write my blog so I am sitting. When lunch time came around I could not face another salad. At dinner the same revolt happened in the salad column.

Sometimes you just need a break. But a break in healthy eating is a very slippery slope. I have been here before. Doing great one day and despite two years of good habits they can disappear in the blink of an eye.

I need a new gimmick. I am bored with the status quo and have no where better to go so if I am not careful I could go to the dark side. I need anyone who has a good idea or words of encouragement or a kick in the pants to give it to me now.

Send me your tired, your poor, your huddled masses yearning to be thin. Tomorrow I go and see my trainer, a good way to start the day, but it is not the morning I need help with. I need a new salad. I need to not learn not to love food. Ok that is never going to happen. I know I need something and that I am not giving up. I’m getting up now and getting my steps in. I promise tomorrow I will remember I write a blog and do a little better than I’ve done today.

Being Right is Not Always Nice

Posted: November 18, 2013 | Author: dana lange | Filed under: Diet- comedy | Leave a comment

This morning a service man came to my house to do some work. As happens to all visitors at my house Shay Shay was right there at the front door to greet him. As she did her poorly-trained dog routine of jumping up on him to say Hi the tech said, “no problem, I love dogs.”

That was no excuse for Shay, but the tech pet her and she calmed down enough. As he was petting her very soft coat he asked what kind of dog she was. I told him she was a labradoodle and he got very excited. “I thought so. Can I take a picture of her to show my fiancé?”

I agreed and he went to to tell me that he and his newly intended had just had a big fight the night before about all doodle dogs. She contended that any doodle was half standard poodle and thus all doodle dogs were big. Shay Shay a lean twenty pounder just comes up to you knee proving that something other than a standard poodle was in her genetic makeup

The tech was so excited to be right. “I’m going home for lunch with her right now and show her this picture.” I asked him how long they had been engaged and he told me two weeks. “It’s nice to be right, but be careful about how you say it,” I cautioned him.

After he left I got thinking about how when I was younger I reveled in being right. When I say younger I mean like last year and before. It has taken me a long time in life to learn that there are often many correct answers to the same question. Learning to see the gray areas and appreciate nuances is a skill I had to learn.

I think that being the oldest child of two oldest children makes me someone who was used to being more right than wrong. It was easy as a child to be right when competing with much younger siblings. Admitting I am not right comes easier to me now, but was a long time coming.

Sometimes it is great to be wrong, especially if you think the stock market might go down, but still hold on to your investments. Being proved wrong there is a happy thing. Or if you think a young person is stretching a long way to apply to a certain school and they get in. Hooray for being wrong.

But those examples do not involve one person being right and one person being wrong. Gloating over being right is an unattractive trait, especially if it is someone you love. Learning grace and humility are life long lessons. I wish this service tech well in his life with his new wife, if they get that far. Winning an argument over a dog may not be worth it, but then again if he learns the “it’s nice to be right, but it’s better to be nice” lesson on a dog story it might be the cheapest way to learn that lesson.

Procrastination Payoff

Posted: November 17, 2013 | Author: dana lange | Filed under: Diet- comedy | Tags: grandmother, Mima | 3 Comments

I’m not usually a procrastinator. For things with a deadline I like to get them done early. The only problem is that not all tasks have a deadline and for those things I sometimes can turn a blind eye.

I am not a consummate list maker, but as I have gotten older I like to have a list just so I won’t forget to do the mundane things like send people a check a I owe them. When I was younger I could relive everyday of my life in my mind and never needed a list to prompt me on what I needed to do next. In high school I could tell you that the previous week on Monday I had to read pages 145 to 219 of Anna Karenina as homework that night. Having a good memory was something I really took for granted. But a good memory really saved me when it came to looking for something important that was somewhere in my house.

Since my memory is not what it used to be I realized that I needed to be more systematic in my filing. So at last this weekend I actually got to clean up my office. I hardly use my office anymore since I got a laptop computer some years back and I tend to travel the house working. I also used to do a lot of paper arts and scrapbooking that required a nice flat surface. Since I hardly ever print a photo these days I stopped playing with my paper crafts.

My office became the mail storage area for our house. Tax receipts, bank statements and “important” papers wound up in piles on my giant desk. Filing was just something I was never good at and with no need to use my desk it just became my giant file.

Today I worked through the piles, trying to only handle each piece of paper once, something I still have not mastered. As I got the desktop cleaned off I tackled the baskets and cute boxes that had things stuffed in them for safekeeping. Most of things in those baskets were thrown away, so much for even remembering why I was saving a receipt from a trip to Italy six years ago anyway.

Towards the end of the afternoon I picked up a basket that had been in my office as long as we lived here. It contained the charging base for my very first cell phone with a frayed electrical cord, a glue gun and a dozen lose glue sticks (I wonder if they go bad?) a hardcover novel I started and was so bored with I never got past the second chapter, and a big pile of Christmas Cards and other greeting cards from 1996.

I loved looking at the photo of my friends Janet and Frank with their baby Sofia who is now applying to college. I found cards from people who only wrote their first names and I had to rack my brain to figure out who they are. It was time to part with these things.

Then I opened a little bear shaped birthday card and was stopped in my tracks. There was the familiar tiny handwriting of my Grandmother Mima. She always wrote the sweetest letters that made me feel like the most loved person on earth. If it had somehow not made it’s way into this small basket that got squirreled away in my office it certainly would have been thrown away soon after I had received it. Finding it today brought back memories of years of wonderful letters my Mima used to write me. She passed away in 1999 and I miss getting her words of encouragement and love.

In 1996 I certainly was not thinking that I needed to save every card my grandmother sent because I always anticipated there would be more to come. I was wrong. But I was so happy that my laziness fourteen years ago brought back the love of my grandmother today. For once my procrastination paid off.

Toronto’s Mayoral Mistake

Posted: November 16, 2013 | Author: dana lange | Filed under: Diet- comedy | Tags: Rob Ford, Toronto | Leave a comment

Everybody on earth has heard about Toronto’s Mayor Rob Ford who was taped smoking crack. Now I am in no way condoning anyone, elected official, college educated or not, well employed or not, Canadian or not, doing drugs of any kind. That being said Rob Ford, who is a rather large man according to his pictures on TV missed a major opportunity to get out of this whole debacle.

How you might ask? He was allegedly was taped smoking the drugs, he admitted doing it and he added that he has also bought drugs in the recent past. His best-missed defense was he should have said that he was doing the drugs as a diet aid. Sure, illegal drugs are still against the law, but if only Robb Ford had gone on TV and said, “Yes I did the drugs as a way to help me lose weight. I am powerless against food and I was at my wits end to find something to help me stay away from food.”

Yes, it would have been a lie, but many people would have given him a pass because his obvious need to lose weight would have been a believable story. If only he had said that he might have gone on to actually lose some weight to help rehabilitate his reputation.

It’s too late now. He has been stripped of all power and is still fat. He certainly might get fatter as he seeks solace in beer and donuts, two things Canadians do well, just not together.

How a good PR person missed giving Rob Ford this simple advice is criminal. People are fairly forgiving and so many can empathize with the need to lose weight and even are supportive of someone actually seeking a solution even if it is an idiotic one. Too late.

Maybe not. If Ford goes on to lose weight now he can regain some respect by saying, “Doing the drugs and getting caught drove me to reexamine my life and get healthy. The crack might have saved my life by spurring me on to lose weight.” As I see it dieting is his only salvation.

The Giving Heart

Posted: November 15, 2013 | Author: dana lange | Filed under: Diet- comedy | Tags: Food Bank, Philanthropy lunch, Wtvd abc11 | 4 Comments

With the ABC -11 winners, Angela Hampton, Steve Daniels, Monica Barnes, Me, Carolina Welsh and Peter Werbicki

When I was a kid I did not really understand what a philanthropist was. Yes, I heard the word but I associated it with only the uber rich, past robber barons who summered in Newport Rhode Island like the Mellons, Rockefellers and Carnegies. I certainly did not think I had ever met anyone who could be considered such a big word as a Philanthropist.

Fast forward to college and my sorority where as Pi Beta Phi’s we had some sort of Philanthropy requirement. For the life of me I can not remember what good works we actually did, but we must have done something because I am sure the VP of Moral advancement made sure of it.

When I was in my twenties in the Gordon Geko how much money can you make for yourself 80’s I did nothing philanthropic, despite living in Washington DC and having friends whose jobs were about doing good works. Philanthropy was still about rich people or people who worked in non-profit because they were not interested in earning money.

Honestly it was not until I stopped earning money myself and became a mother that I became more interested in helping other people. When I started volunteering places I considered myself just that, a volunteer. I did donate some money, but not what I considered to be in the “philanthropist” category.

Fast forward to today. I went to the National Philanthropy Day Luncheon where the Food Bank’s nominee, WTVD ABC-11 won as Outstanding Philanthropic Corporation. Their President, Caroline Welch talked about how all the employees volunteer and give back to the Food Bank and other community organizations they support. The award was not for the most money raised, but the years of service to our community.

Philanthropy is not just about rich people giving away money, although that is really nice, but it is about anyone who helps someone else in need in anyway they can, no matter how small. Most everyone I know is generous in multitudes of ways so you are all Philanthropists. So on this day set aside to recognize the heros around us, I want to recognize all of you who donate to the Food Bank, or pick up a hammer for Habitat or read with a child at your local school. I think Gordon Geko was dead wrong, greed is not good, generosity is.

No Actual Pumpkins Were Sacrificed

Posted: November 14, 2013 | Author: dana lange | Filed under: Diet- comedy | Tags: Pumpkin pie spice, Starbucks latte | 1 Comment

It’s that time of year when all flavors of Thanksgiving get their starring roles in menus around the country. It seems to me that the “flavor of the year” award should go to Pumpkin Pie Spice. Everywhere I turn I see another ad for some kind of Pumpkin Pie flavored drink, coffee creamer or donut.

Now pumpkin pie is reported to be an aphrodisiac, or maybe its the smell of pumpkin pie so it is no wonder that the commercial food world has jumped on that bandwagon. I heard a grown woman cry once at Starbucks when they told her they were out of pumpkin pie spice latte. Really lady, it’s just a coffee.

Actually, it’s not even a coffee, nor does it even have any pumpkin in it. It is just five spices blended together that make that oh-so-addictive and familiar pumpkin pie flavor; they are in order of amount, cinnamon, ginger, nutmeg, allspice and cloves.

So if you are ordering a pumpkin pie spice drink and counting it as a vegetable you are one big idiot. If you are a big time pumpkin pie lover here is the real secret, pumpkin on it’s own does not have that much taste. What you really like are the spices that go in it. That being said you can put pumpkin pie spice on lots of other things and get that same yummy flavor and save yourself a ton of calories.

One favorite of mine is to roast carrots in the oven and when they are brown and caramelized I put a tiny amount of butter and a boatload of pumpkin pie spice. Ha,no sugar, no crust, no condensed milk, no pumpkin, but trust me your mouth will think it tastes pretty damn good, maybe even whoopee inducing.

If you have ever had a sweet potato pie and thought it was pumpkin it was because it had the same spice mix — all you are really tasting are the spices and the sugar.

So no crying when the pumpkin pie spice food season ends, just make your own. That combination of flavors is good on many things so don’t be shy about sprinkling it on and acorn or butternut squash or in a cookie recipe, just be forewarned and don’t depend on the rhythm method, if you know what I mean.

The Pants News Network

Posted: November 13, 2013 | Author: dana lange | Filed under: Diet- comedy | Tags: Chip WIlson, lululemon, yoga pants | 2 Comments

Today at a ladies who lunch type outing for my friend Hannah’s birthday the conversation took the turn to inevitable search for well fitting pants. My friends at lunch are all very trim, to use an old fashioned word and I would have thought that finding pants that fit correctly would not have been an issue for any of them. Apparently issues of fit happen to people of all body types.

Inevitably the conversation turned to the news-making pants story of the hour Lululemon yoga pants and their none to attractive in everyway founder Chip Wilson. If you don’t watch the “Pants News Network” here’s the background. A woman bought a pair of yoga pants at Lululemon and was unhappy that the legs of the pants pilled between the thighs. You know what pilling is… when little bits of fabric gather in tiny knot-like pieces and stand proud of the rest of the fabric. Pilling is something that cheep fabrics do more often than better materials. When the woman went to return the pants she was told that the pants were not defective but her thighs rubbing together caused the problem.

Whoa, whoa, whoa…break in the “Pants News Network” for my side bar conversation. Have any of you ever bought a pair of pants that had some disclaimer to a guarantee that read, “guaranteed only if you weigh under 100 pounds are 5 foot six or taller and have not eaten any pancakes in the last six years.”

Back to the “Pants News Network” — so a reporter was interviewing Chip Wilson about the “Pilling Issue” and he said “We are a technology company”, wait I thought he was a yoga wear company. Sure workout wear has taken a technological step forward, but a technology company, really?

Chip goes on to explain the pilling problem away by saying, “That some woman’s bodies don’t work.” The reporter, a woman, in a moment of disbelief, said, “So their bodies don’t work for pants?”

As far as I can tell my body has never worked for anything. Well, maybe my body would work for food, but for the most part I don’t think my body as a whole makes the decision about working, just my brain. Perhaps some pants don’t work on my body, but if you are a pants maker you better figure out how to make a product that you can stand behind for any type of body that can put it on. Oh yeah, we are talking about Lululemon, the same company that had to recall millions of pairs of pants because they were too sheer. I guess you would not want to stand behind those pants. Seems like the “technology” failed there.

The faithful fat-thigh-yoga-pants-wearing watchers of the pants channel got all up in Chip Wilson’s grill about the bodies not working comment. He, in his holier than thou way went back on the “Pants News Network” to not apologize, but say he was sad people got mad about his comments.

Here is the bottom line, buy your clothes from a company that thinks they are a clothing manufacturer and not a technology company. Don’t try and squeeze yourself into anything. Thank goodness we don’t have to wear 1970’s Levi’s with the waist size printed on the leather tag on your kidney. That being said, no one else will have any idea what size you are wearing so buy the size that fit’s right. If the product ends up being defective take it back and demand satisfaction. If they won’t stand behind their product call me because there is nothing I like better than a good retail fight, I’ll go back to the store with you. One caveat, make sure the store does not have any signs posted at the checkout saying there are no returns for people they don’t think are worthy of wearing their products in the first place. I think in Chip Wilson’s mind they have those signs in all his stores.

Is Multi-Tasking the Right Way to Go?

Posted: November 12, 2013 | Author: dana lange | Filed under: Diet- comedy | Tags: Needlepoint, walking, Writing | Leave a comment

Today was a day of many meetings which meant mostly sitting or driving between sitting. Since I still don’t have a self peddle car even the driving meant more sitting. Because I started tracking my steps and trying to get at least 10,000 a day I have become keenly aware of how many things I like to do sitting down.

First on the list is eating and since eating while walking is not easy to do while having a salad I am going to have to continue sitting for that lest I chip a tooth with my fork. The second big sit-down is writing. In desperation I am writing on my I-Pad now while walking inside my house. This is very slow, but I am in need of both words and steps. I am not planning on doing this everyday.

My third favorite thing is needle pointing. Today I was almost finished with a cute squirrel ornament I was working on, but had run out of background color. I had a short window in my day between meetings so I dropped into my favorite local needlepoint store, Chapel Hill Needlepoint and a few of my regular stitching gang was sitting at the table working. Since they are regular blog followers they wanted to know how many step I had done today. It was pitiful to report that I was only up to 5,400 with a busy day still ahead of me.

I decided it was time to see if I could walk and needlepoint at the same time. I was only working on background which makes for easy work and the lighting is excellent in the store. So stitch, walk, visit, talk, tell stories and answer a question or two from customers who did not know me but thought I must work there otherwise why was I walking around the store so much, I did. My friend Annie captured me on my loop around the table.

Now I know my needlepoint was slower as was my walking, but I had less guilt and more fun. Unfortunately most of my needlepoint projects require a little more attention than I can give them while walking. I already needlepoint while playing Mah Jongg and I’m sure I’ve let a few winning hands go by because of it. So is it better to multi-task and be slightly slower or less adept at something or is it better to concentrate on one thing at a time? I think that since I am walking and writing at the same time right now I can not also add thinking about great philosophical questions to my multi-tasking.

Good Enough to Choke Over

Posted: November 11, 2013 | Author: dana lange | Filed under: Diet- comedy | Tags: choking, cranberries, fruit slaw | Leave a comment

Any regular reader of this blog might already know that I started craving turkey last week. I am happy to report that I did not roast a bird this weekend. When I really thought about what I was craving I determined it was not the meat or the gravy but the cranberry. There are lots of ways to satisfy a cranberry craving, but most of them involve a muffin or cake or some other more-fattening-than-a-turkey-sandwich item.

I thought a little longer and as can happen to someone who is very attuned to deciphering what my mouth and my brain are seeking I remembered a recipe I made up last year that was a raw fruit salad. of course I could not remember exactly what I named it, but I searched “cranberries” on the blog and found Raw Fruit Slaw. That was it! Exactly what my mouth was craving. It is made up of pineapple, fresh cranberries, green apples oranges and the secret ingredient of orange peels. To make it really thanksgiving like I throw in just 2 chopped pecans per cup.

I ran a batch up in the cuisinart and sure enough I had found nirvana. My brain thought “thanksgiving” and my waist said, “where have you been raw fruit slaw?” so for the last three days I have been enjoying a cup of crunchy, sweet, tangy wonderful as my afternoon snack.

Today, just now I was along in my sunroom having my slaw when just as a spoonful was deposited in my mouth I inhaled awkwardly. A tiny bit of fruit went in my lungs and for a moment I thought that I was going to be done in all alone by my own desire. Quickly I coughed up the offending tiny cranberry seed with perhaps a shred of pineapple and I was spared the embarrassment of an obituary that read, “she choked to death on her substitute for a turkey sandwich.”

I got to thinking about how often people who eat alone might choke to death. Other than Mama Cass, you know of the Mamas and the Papas fame, who reportedly choked to death on a sandwich, I don’t hear of many alone choking deaths. Am I the only mother who eats lunch at home alone on days I don’t have a lunch date? I know plenty of people who eat at their desks, do they never choke or are offices so full of people that there is always someone close by to do the Heimlich maneuver?

If eating alone were a greater death threat I think that dieting would be a thing of the past. For me I think I need to slow down and breath between bites and not get so excited that I came up with a healthy alternative to my bad for me craving. Despite the near fatal episode I can hardly wait until tomorrow when I can eat more of my fruit slaw.

My Hips Are Killing Me

Posted: November 9, 2013 | Author: dana lange | Filed under: Diet- comedy | 2 Comments

Since I got this FitBit to encourage me to walk more I certainly have added a lot more steps to each day. My goal has been to do 10,000 steps a day and I am happy to report I made 70,000 steps in my first week. It was a lot harder than I thought it would be. Walking is time consuming. Some nights I was walking around and around the dining room table late into the night checking my phone app to see the steps added up.

I tried to cut down on the amount of time the walking took by adding some running to my day. I am not a runner so when I say adding some running I was doing things like running home while out with Shay Shay from three of four houses away. I am feeling all this walking with a splash of running in my hips. Previous to this exercise spurt I have been having trouble with my left arch so you would rarely see me anything but the most unattractive supportive shoes. Even with the best available footwear something is not right because my hips are killing me.

Now one would think that these same hips that have carried this body with more than a hundred and ten pounds on it for years without pain could take a little extra walking. I certainly must be doing something wrong.

I thought that maybe if I got all my steps in early in the day I might avoid night time hip pain so Russ and I took Shay Shay out to the Eno River Park to hike this morning. I got 9500 steps out on the trail with a little help being pulled along by our sweet dog who was in heaven. The early theory was proven wrong. My hips are still killing me.

I’ve tried stretching — crossing one knee over the other and pushing it away from me — A little relief, not much. A long hot shower, a little more relief, not enough. Two Aleve – not good enough yet.

Well, I know that eventually my body will adjust, but I’m tired of hurting. I did lose two pounds this week, but that seemed small based on my eating and exercise. At least if I’m going to hurt this much I should lose a little faster. I’m not throwing in the towel yet, but any tips for hip stretches are welcome.

Turkey Countdown

Posted: November 8, 2013 | Author: dana lange | Filed under: Diet- comedy | Tags: Mrs. Dingle, Pawley's Island, thanksgiving, Tip Top Inn, turkey | 1 Comment

Today Carter and I were shopping and as she was trying on shoes “White Christmas” came on over the store’s Muzak system. Carter went into full on revolt. “Why are they playing that already?” she demanded. “It isn’t even close to Thanksgiving yet.”

But it is. Less than three weeks to Thanksgiving and it is a late Turkey Holiday this year falling on the twenty-eighth.

I was less disturbed by the Christmas music since I am a major Christmas lover. I was much more confused by the follow-up song of “Afternoon Delight.” I wondered what drugs that music programmer was on since I don’t find shopping delightful and it was not even afternoon.

To help calm Carter’s mood over the obvious Christmas push put on by all things retail I asked her what foods she wanted to have for Thanksgiving while we were at lunch. Discussing future meals while enjoying a current one is a favorite topic in our family. It is one that drives my mother crazy.

Carter started to list all the fattening southern foods my father is famous for making on Thanksgiving; stuffing, mashed potatoes, creamed spinach, creamed onions. Carter then jumped to my pecan pie. I asked her if she wanted ice cream or whipped cream and she replied the only answer a Carter of any kind might give, “Both of course.”

My mouth was salivating thinking about the normally forbidden foods that show up at Thanksgiving. It is normally about this week of the year that I start to crave a really good turkey sandwich. Not that thin cut deli turkey, which my father hates because he says it’s slimy, but a slab of home roasted turkey with a big scoop of homemade cranberry sauce and mayonnaise on old fashioned southern white bread like Mrs. Dingle used to make at the Tip Top Inn on Pawley’s Island back in the seventies.

The worst part about craving turkey is that the real Thanksgiving bird has a hard time living up to the hype my mind has built up. I would be much better off if I would just go on and cook a turkey now and enjoy a little two weeks before the real deal so that I don’t create such huge expectations. Turkey, unto itself is a fairly healthy food, but not the accompanying items on the big day.

So now I’ve done it. Got my mouth in a turkey way with Salmon on the menu for dinner. Nothing is going to make me happy until I take care of this desire. I guess I know what tomorrows “afternoon delight” is going to be.

This fat lady plans to eat less so many hungry people can eat more (TM)

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