If Church Was Produced By Andy Cohen…

Today I was the lector at church. We started the Book of Esther. Our Pastor Chris had two other lector’s, Rachel and Bill Join me so we could each read different parts of the Verses.

In the intro, which I read, I mentioned “listen for it as something resembling satire, humor that both disarms and hides a larger point.”

As the story unfolded we learned that this king, who threw multiple days longs parties, where drinking was “required,” not just encouraged. Towards the end he wanted his beautiful Queen to be brought into the drunken party for all the men to … fill in the blank.

So far, no satire s far as I could tell.

So the Queen refused to go into the drunken party.

You go girl. Smart woman.

But the men thought that was going to give all the other women permission not to obey all the time. So they decided to throw her out as queen. And they gathered a committee to gather all the virgins to check them all out and pick a new queen.

And that is where the story of today ended.

Chris said we were going to be reading Esther for the next six weeks. This is like a limited run mini series. Talk about a way to get people to come to church in the dead of summer. Give them a big soap opera, with some despicable male characters and leave the audience at a cliff drop moment.

Thank goodness we will be here next Sunday because I need to know what happens. Yes, Chris already told us to read ahead, but reading the Bible alone is not as fun as hearing the gasps and seeing the facial expressions of people hearing the story live.

It’s like Andy Cohen producing a Real Housewives Season. He gives you just enough shit and breaks for next week. Leaving you wondering what is going to happen.

The one thing I know is almost every story where they say, “gather all the virgins,” It is rarely good for the virgins.