The Murder I Did Not Commit Today


Here is the news that did not happen, but was so close.  Russ and I have needed to buy a new mattress for a while.  Russ does not care what he sleeps on.  In fact since he hardly sleeps at all almost the worst thing gives him the best sleep.  A small loveseat under a florescent light with an infomercial blaring on the TV causes him the best sleep.  Not me.  Princess and the pea would be my theme.  Since he does not care and I do he has asked me to just go buy a new mattress alone.  What Russ failed to understand in my princess role I needed him to come lie on each bed next to me and move around so I could test how well partner movement is contained, as they say in the trade.


Finding a time that Russ is free when stores are open is a difficult task so today, rather than enjoying the beautiful weather we went mattress shopping.  After leaving disappointed salesmen in our wake we finally settled on one and started to cruise out of the mall.  All this lying around had got me plum tuckered out so I asked Russ if I could stop at the coffee bar at Nordstrom to get a quick iced coffee.  He happily plopped in a chair and read his e-mail.


I approached the order line and was happy that there were only a couple of people in front of me.  As the first person spent a ridiculous amount of time discussing all the flavors of tea with the check out girl I began to become annoyed.  Knowing that my blood sugar was low I used my best distraction technique and focused on the mother and her eight and ten year old girls in front of me.  Big mistake.  I should have pulled my phone out and read my e-mail rather than eavesdrop on this crazy mother.


She was a tiny woman in her early forties with long blond hair and no makeup wearing a strapless top and cargo pants.  As I stood behind this mother the one characteristic about her that really stood out was that her bare back looked like a bag of oranges it was so muscular and void of any bit of fat to create a smooth look.  I glanced at her arms and I could practically see the sinew in her muscles as if she had no skin covering her built anatomy.


She was the one I wanted to murder and it had nothing to do with her over worked out physique, but the conversation she had with her daughters that went like this, I swear to God.


Mother:  What do you want?


Older daughter:  I think I’ll have a pretzel


Mother:  That’s good.  Do you want to go upstairs to Aunt Annie’s?


Older daughter:  No, this one here is good.


Mother: (To the younger one) What about you?


Younger one: How about chips?


Mother:  No, what about a smoothie?


Younger One:  What about a pretzel?


Mother:  No.  I don’t think a pretzel is healthy enough.


Older One:  You said I could get a pretzel.


Mother:  No, you can’t.  How about edemame?


Younger One:  I’ll just get a smoothie.


Mother:  Who said you could get a smoothie?


Younger One:  You did.


Older One:  Wait, what about an Aunt Annie’s pretzel.


Mother:  No, why would I let you go there?


By this time the tea discusser had been long gone and the clerk was waiting on this crazy mother to order.  I strongly considered stepping in to tell her to stop contradicting herself and order something or step aside.  I stopped myself because probably on steroids of some kind.  In the end she got herself and iced tea and her daughters two waters.  Was I wrong not to call social services?