Goodbye Fresh Fruits and Vegetables


I just turned 52.  In the world of medicine I am two years past due for my colonoscopy.  I tried to have it earlier but apparently getting into to have a colonoscopy is a popular thing to do so I have had to wait.  I’m sure it is the baby boom that is the reason the wait is so long and not the love of the procedure itself.


I recently read the instructions for my colonoscopy and wish that I had known before, what I was going to have to do in preparation, so I could have picked a month like October when the fresh fruits and vegetables are less plentiful.


For all you youngsters yet to have done this here is a preview of what’s ahead.  First, no aspirin of NSAIDS for ten days before, that means no Aleve for my achy knee.


Second, for five days before, this important paper tells me, to maintain my regular diet… except avoid, corn, peas, beans, popcorn, nuts, seeds and ANY RAW FRUITS OR VEGETABLES.  The writer of these instructions obviously does not know what my regular diet is.  I eat fruit and cereal for breakfast, and a salad for lunch and dinner.  Once I remove all the raw fruits and vegetables I will have three quarters of a cup of cereal, half a cup of milk, two skinless chicken thighs and one oz. of blue cheese left in my regular diet.


The instructions go on to say that on the day before I get to cut out all food and have broth and clear liquids with a non-red Jell-O thrown in for fun.  That afternoon I am going to power chug as many laxatives as I can dissolve into 32 oz. of Crystal light, the diabetic choice over Gatorade and then get up at four in the morning and do the laxative chug again.


I am so OK with the final day of broth and crystal light laced laxatives, but five days without raw fruits and vegetables seems like a medieval torture.  Sure, if I weren’t trying to push past my current plateau to lose twenty pounds being given permission to eat meat and white bread might sound good to some of you, but I don’t need to develop a tooth for that kind of food.


I am giving you all fair warning that I may be a little grouchier that usual this week.  I can only imagine how out of whack I am going to be without my “regular diet” of a bushel of raw fruits and veggies a day.  I feel the nursing home diet of applesauce and cooked carrots coming on.  Getting old stinks.