The $4.99 Full Body Lift

Yesterday on Good Morning America I saw a feature on a $25 face lift in a Jar called the Bungee Lift.  It only works on women who have enough long hair to make some really tight tiny braids by their face and then attach them to a small bungee cord that goes under their hair in the back.  Voila, few crows feet.

$25 for a mini face left may sound like a steal, but I can go one better than that and give you a whole body lift for $4.99 with no cutting, dieting or exercising.

Many middle-aged and older women complain about their legs sagging above their knees.  Some people I know, and I am not going to name you, have a tummy that droops down ever so slightly in the front.  If you have breasts, and you know who you are if you do, you might be unhappy about the direction they are pointing.  Lastly, is your rear quarters the penthouse, and by that I mean top floor, version, or the sub-basement type?

If you resemble any of the aforementioned descriptions then I have the solution for you.  Just follow these cheep and easy, and no I’m not calling you cheep and easy, steps.

  1. Buy a roll of Duct tape.  Now that it comes in so many shades and patterns I suggest flesh colored for this exercise.
  2. Get naked.
  3. Unroll a little tape leaving it attached to the roll and stick the sticky side on the, excuse my description, flab right above your knee with the roll facing up your body.
  4. Gently begin to unwind the Duct tape attaching it to your skin and pulling up at the same time.  Lift any belly fat up before sticking the tape on.
  5. Continue to the optional breast area.  Once again, lifting the bosom to a desired, perhaps once familiar place and then attaching the tape to it.  If cleavage is desired tape around the outside of the breast rather than right up the middle.
  6. Now here is the key, when you get to the shoulders make sure you get a good stick because the shoulders are the key super structure to hold all the rest of the parts up.  Think of everything now being cantilevered off the shoulders.
  7. Continue down the back, you may need assistance in this part, but lift the cheek up gently and attach the tape to the underside of the now J-lo like buttocks.
  8. Cut the tape there.
  9. Repeat on the other side.

I could put the Duct tape in a jar and charge you $50 for it, but some information is criminal to keep to myself.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s