Last First Day

Carter said to me tonight, “How did I get to be a senior?” I am wondering the same thing. Not that she has not worked hard through the years and put in the time, but a senior, really, that’s old. Even the word means old.
She put on her senior shirt, with the traditional hiking boots as homage to the senior challenge she and her classmates are about to embark on. We came out front of our house to take the traditional first day of school photo. This time she did the art direction and after vetoing my first two tempts, and moved to a new location so I could get her in better light.  
That used to be my job, to present her in the best possible light. Now it is is her responsibility. She came home from her summer job three days ago and spent her time working on her college applications and summer assignments. I asked her about the common app and she told me it was already turned into her college counselor, no need for Mom’s help.
This year will be about weaning me as much as it will be about her finding her next move. At the end of last school year I wrote some blogs about being sad about Carter doing some things for the last time. My father called and asked if I needed to see a therapist because he was worried that I was so sad about Carter leaving. I told him no therapist needed, that is what my blog is for. I added, Carter reads this blog too, what if I was writing, “thank goodness my job as a full time mother is almost over.” He got the point.
Yes, I am sad that today was the last first day of school I will share with Carter at home. But that does not mean that I am also not excited for her and all that she has in her future. Carter is worried what I am going to do when she is gone. I jokingly tell her, “I am buying an apartment where you go to college so I can have lunch with you everyday.” She looks nervously at me, trying to judge what the chances are for that to happen.
I am not about to start worrying about what I am going to do when she is gone. I am just enjoying these last lasts. When she is at college I will have plenty of time to think about what is next. I consider that a huge luxury.
Yesterday we got some very tragic news that my trainer Tiffani, who I had worked out with for three years until she had a baby girl eight months ago, lost her sweet daughter Gena. Three weeks ago she was a happy and healthy little girl, then they discovered she had a rare liver cancer. Eight months old and then gone. It makes me so thankful for my sweet girl. As tightly as I would want to hold on to her I know that is not what is best for her. I am cherishing these precious days.