Epic Zipper Failure Follow-up

Rarely do I do a follow-up blog, but if you read yesterday’s “Will It Zip Roulette” you only got half the story.  I reported that my main concern was fitting into my deal-of-the-decade-dress before going off to stand on the stage and raise money for my daughter’s school.  I wrote yesterday’s blog, jumped in my dress and Carter zipped me up saying, “You have lost more weight, it zips perfectly.”  Then she took my picture and I posted it with the blog.

Not one minute after posting, just a half an hour before I needed to leave for the auction the zipper broke and my naked bits beneath the dress made an explosive appearance.  Holy Molly (Not my actual words or thoughts.)  Carter’s first reaction was, “It your dress flies open at the auction I will never be able to show my face at school again.”

Carter was unable to fix the zipper with me in the dress so I wriggled it over my head and was able to pull the tab back down to the bottom and try again.  Luckily it was just a faulty zipper (No wonder that Saks guy was so happy to sell the dress to me cheap) and not a ripped dress.  I knew my only option was to get sewn into the dress, but time and expertise were short.  Carter has never sewn anything except needlepoint so she was not the answer.  My friend Lynn was due to arrive at my house just to see how I looked in dress, but domestic work is not her strong suit.

I called my professional drapery maker neighbor Mary Clayton and she came to my rescue in less than five minutes.  By that time Lynn had arrived so she witnessed Mary’s Navy Seal like dress saving surgery and was so thankful that she did not have to learn to sew on me.  Being the expert seamstress that she is, Mary informed us that in the olden days before zippers women of means were always sewn into their finery.  That elevated my status, but I still feared the stitching bursting out as I stood on the theatre in the round stage with spots lights glaring.

I told the audience last night that this was a possibility and if it did indeed happen I hoped they were bid bigger and higher for the unwanted show they were getting.  But thanks to Mary’s master handiwork the stitching held.  All my womanness was bound tightly inside my dress and the bidding went on for just the regular items.  Perhaps a wardrobe malfunction would have gotten people’s attention better, but at least I have no worries that Carter can’t hold her head up high at school on Monday.

Will It Zip Roulette

Tonight is the Durham Academy Auction where I am the auctioneer.  Being a charity auctioneer is practically my favorite thing to do.  I love enticing people to part with their money for a good cause.  This auction theme is Mad Men.  Thank goodness a theme that has a major character with a full figure, Joan, the secretary that slept her way to partnership.

So in the spirit of all things Joan I set out to find a dress that is tight in all the right places that will push up and out my heaving bosom yet still be appropriate for a school sponsored affair.   I auctioneer in the round so I have to have my back side look as good as my front side since half the time that is all people are getting to see.  Add sleeves that at least cover my arms to the elbow to the list of dress requirements since I am flapping them around pointing at people as they bid.  Top it off with my natural penuriousness that refuses to spend too much money on a dress and not enough on the charity.  That is one tall order in dress shopping.

As luck would have it I found something at 0ff 5^th that seemed to fit the bill.  I stopped by the store one Tuesday morning when I was alone and clearly the store did not expect any customers either, at least not women, because the only sales clerk was a man.  I spotted a dress that I was sure I should try and the gentleman unlocked a dressing room for me.  I went in and undressed completely before unzipping the long mermaid gown.  As the zipper descended I noticed that the last four inches of the zipper had come unstitched from the dress.  Nothing unusual for a discount store and certainly something I could sew up myself.

I stepped into the navy blue number, unsure what my current dress size was, hoping it would fit.  The first test of going over my usual problem area hips was not an issue.  I was sure I was home free because if a dress fit my hips the rest would be good.  I slipped my arms into sleeves and pulled the dress up around my nakedness.  Seemed good.  I reached behind me to zip it up but with the unattached zipper I was unable to get a grasp on it and pull it up.  I contorted and twisted myself trying to get the zipper up.  No luck.  I opened the dressing room door a crack to see if there was some woman outside who could help me.  Not a clicking heel could be heard.  I stood there looking at the dress trying to decide if it fit.

After a few moments I took it off and got dressed to go see if they had another.  Certainly not.  I brought it to the salesman and pointed out the zipper problem.  He offered me more money off the dress if I would take it like that as a final sale, no returns.  So the $495 dress was now going to cost me only $92.  I decided it was a risk worth taking and bought it.

I tried it on at home and asked Carter to zip it up for me.  No easy task, but I’m wearing it anyway.  It acts as it’s own corset and fulfills all my auctioneering requirements.  So off to the Cotton room I will go, with my 1960’s inspired false eyelashes and eyeliner.  I feel like all of Joan’s clothes are very tight so I’m sticking tightly to the Mad Men theme.