Only Idiots Can’t Use Spanx Correctly

Posted: January 28, 2014 | Author: | Filed under: Diet- comedy | Tags: , , | 1 Comment

 

 

 

You know it is a slow news cycle when not one network, but three are reporting on SPANX.  If you are a man who has been living in a cave you might not know what SPANX are so let me be the first to tell you they are modern day “shape wear.”   Shape wear is the updated name for a girdle, which is an updated from the corset.

 

It seems like for as long as there have been women there have been people inventing things to make women into a shape that is considered superior to the one she has naturally.  Face it, if women were left to their own devices I doubt the long line bra ever would have been invented.

 

I digress, so the big “news” in Spanx is that the ultra stretchy and compressing spandex can cause harm to internal organs.  Well big news, so can an ace bandage if wrapped too tightly.  The story should not be that some dumb floozy squeezed her spleen too tight, it should be that Spanx is now required to have user instructions to protect the idiots of the world, like McDonalds had to put warning labels on coffee cups telling people it was hot.

 

Apparently some delusional women are wearing spanx that are multiple sizes too small or worse yet, wearing multiple spanx at the same time.  Really ladies.  No stretchy material is going to be able to hide all that you are and all that you have.  It may get a little smoothed out and hooray for Spanx I am all for that, but you can’t squeeze all your fat out of you.  You can push it in one place, but it is just going to have to roll back out someplace else.  Have you heard of back fat?

 

So please let’s not blame Spanx for causing your bodily injury if you are using the products incorrectly.  Hello New Directors, the story is women are not buying the right size shape wear.  No one can see the label if you are wearing clothes over your “Under garments” so please buy the right size.  I will never judge you be you a XL or XXXL.  But I will ridicule the hell out of you if you are taking up valuable emergency room space because you bruised an organ so you could look smaller.

 

Spanx is quite frankly a big improvement over the previously available shape wear so let’s not take the company down over a few non-compliant users.  This is in no way an advertisement for Spanx, but if you are a woman you wears them and loves them I am hoping to save the reputation of a wrongly maligned product!

Spanx Swim Pants- Where Are You?

Posted: June 20, 2013 | Author: | Filed under: Diet- comedy | Tags: , | 3 Comments

Spanx have spoiled me.  I love those leg-thinning-long-line-panties that hold in not only your tummy, but also your butt and most importantly your thighs.  The advent of Spanx have enabled me to wear more body hugging dresses without the fear that parts of me are giggling in an unsightly way.

 

I noticed that Spanx in their product expansion to take over the world also moved into the bathing suit arena.  Hooray!  At last, perhaps there will be a thigh lifting swim suit or at least a thigh covering model, but no.  Spanx is yet to figure out how to take their most popular product, the mid thigh firmer and turn it into something that could be worn around the pool.

 

Spanx has spoiled every woman I know.  Nary a friend will leave the house without her favorite foundation garment, but all that squeezing and shaping makes wearing a regular old swim suit a scary proposition.  There must be a way to grab those upper thighs by the loose and lumpy skin and pull them up to a place that could be hugged tight by the revolutionary spandex.  Reconfiguring our naked selves into a more svelte and tight model is the desire of most females and Spanx has been happy to oblige all these years.

 

If it means that we are going to have to make a fashionable bike short model swimsuit so be it.  Perhaps if the bottom half was nude colored with some strategically place color blocks it might not appear too strange.

 

So I implore you Spanx designers, get on the long leg design swimsuit.  The butt-lifting enhancement is also a good feature.  I promise it will be a hit.  While we’re at it the waist nipping and boob support all in the same suit will ensure your dominance in the swimwear arena. 

 

For now I will sport the wrap around cover-up skirt and pray that no one is paying attention between by chaise lounge and the water, but a pair of Swim Spanx seems like the answer to my dreams.