The Velveetalike Affair

Picture a cartoon like corporate office, not unlike Mr. Burn’s office in the Simpsons.  There sits an old corporate raider, bald, who happens to look just like Mr. Burns, hunched over his gigantic desk with a wall of windows looking out on the factory floor where billions of pounds of Velveetalike are being produced.  His office door opens and his sniveling assistant, akin to Smithers, walks in with a big graph showing sales of Velveetalike are plummeting.

Mr. Burnslike:  “Smitherslike, what is going on?  Why are people not buying our not-real-cheese man made product?

Mr.: Smitherslike:  “Well it’s January and the giant fat population of America has been brain washed into thinking that they have to lose weight this month since they ate too much in November and December.”

Mr. Burnslike:  “But in February are they going to go back to consuming our liquid gold calorie laden faux cheese?”

Mr. Smitherslike:  “Yes in a big way because the Super Bowl is in February and that is the biggest eating day of the year.  Velveetalike makes up at least 25% of the calories consumed that day.”

Mr. Burnslike:  “Yes.”  He says drumming his long thin fingers together in an evil way.  “ Velveetalike is perfect on all foods consumed while people talk through football and watch the commercials.  I like the newest craze of melting it on Krispy Kremelike donuts.”

Mr. Smitherslike:  “Yes boss, but your bonus this year is dependent on how much we sell in the first two weeks of the year.”

Mr. Burnslike:  “What?  Quick we need a scheme to get people to buy our faux cheese now, since it has a shelf life of 19.34 years it will keep until the Super Bowl.”

Mr. Smitherslike:  “All the news and talk shows are talking about is dieting how can we get Velveetalike in the news?”

Mr. Burnslike:  Looking out at billions of boxes of cheese, “If we were to tell people that there is a possibility of a Velveetalike shortage come the Super Bowl I’m sure we can get everyone to make a run on the supermarkets now.”

Mr. Smitherslike:  “But Boss, we have plenty and there is nothing stopping us from making more.”

Mr. Burnslike:   “I know that and you know that.  I only said there might be a POSSIBILITY of running out.”