Only Idiots Can’t Use Spanx Correctly

You know it is a slow news cycle when not one network, but three are reporting on SPANX.  If you are a man who has been living in a cave you might not know what SPANX are so let me be the first to tell you they are modern day “shape wear.”   Shape wear is the updated name for a girdle, which is an updated from the corset.

It seems like for as long as there have been women there have been people inventing things to make women into a shape that is considered superior to the one she has naturally.  Face it, if women were left to their own devices I doubt the long line bra ever would have been invented.

I digress, so the big “news” in Spanx is that the ultra stretchy and compressing spandex can cause harm to internal organs.  Well big news, so can an ace bandage if wrapped too tightly.  The story should not be that some dumb floozy squeezed her spleen too tight, it should be that Spanx is now required to have user instructions to protect the idiots of the world, like McDonalds had to put warning labels on coffee cups telling people it was hot.

Apparently some delusional women are wearing spanx that are multiple sizes too small or worse yet, wearing multiple spanx at the same time.  Really ladies.  No stretchy material is going to be able to hide all that you are and all that you have.  It may get a little smoothed out and hooray for Spanx I am all for that, but you can’t squeeze all your fat out of you.  You can push it in one place, but it is just going to have to roll back out someplace else.  Have you heard of back fat?

So please let’s not blame Spanx for causing your bodily injury if you are using the products incorrectly.  Hello New Directors, the story is women are not buying the right size shape wear.  No one can see the label if you are wearing clothes over your “Under garments” so please buy the right size.  I will never judge you be you a XL or XXXL.  But I will ridicule the hell out of you if you are taking up valuable emergency room space because you bruised an organ so you could look smaller.

Spanx is quite frankly a big improvement over the previously available shape wear so let’s not take the company down over a few non-compliant users.  This is in no way an advertisement for Spanx, but if you are a woman you wears them and loves them I am hoping to save the reputation of a wrongly maligned product!