The Rapture Diet

I am already blowing my chance to make money on a bunch of people who can ill afford it by writing this here, but I came up with a brilliant new scheme today at church.  It’s called the Rapture Diet.  And the slogan is, “Is your body ready to meet Jesus?”  If that sounds at all dirty to you then you clearly are not a rapturist.  You know what the rapture is, that idea that Jesus is coming back and take all the living real believers back to heaven and leaving the rest of us on earth for what is known as the tribulation period.  If you are a rapturist, better name than a rapper, you need to do everything possible to be ready and I am suggesting that being in heavenly shape is really important.

For the record my dear preacher Chris Tuttle is not a rapturist, based on his sermon today, “Known Unknowns and the Expectation of a Messiah.”  As Chris was talking about the people who see every action on earth, both man made and natural, from hurricanes to the economic downturn as signs that the rapture is about to take place it got me thinking about how some people think so much is out of their control so why bother.

Hello people, if you don’t want to get “left behind” then you better get to work on your behind.  I know that I could easily become a millionaire by selling the “salvation diet.” The ad would show a really skinny doorway with a bright white light emanating from it and the announcer would say, “Only true believers are thin enough to fit through the doorway to heaven.”

The reason I know I could make a lot of money on this is that those “true believers” don’t want to take any chances on this second coming so they are going to jump right on the rapture diet train.

Now to fully maximize the chance to make money off everyone I would create the Rapture Smatchure diet.  The slogan would be, “If you don’t believe you better be in fighting good shape to survive a the world of tribulation that is coming.”  I guess I don’t need to say the “is coming” part, since we have had a lot of tribulation already.  Proof this could work is the amount of survivalist stuff available on Costco.com.  Whole years worth of freeze dried food to go in your underground shelter.  I trust Costco as a world class market researcher and if they have found this as a big market then it is time for there to be a diet for those same people.

I think that I need to get two TV shows about these two diets, but I think they both could run on Fox since both of those demographic groups probably watch Fox.  Next look for my line of Jesus loves you compression wear and body armor, both diet groups will love them.