Fortnight of Check-ups

Today was my last doctor’s appointment in my fortnight of check ups. Two weeks ago Russ and I got our Covid and flu vaccines. Then I started in on all my checkups, which through some strange happenstance ended up in the same two week period.

It started with my annual GYN visit. After filling in the requisite paperwork, the same one I have been filling out annually for 30 years, I begged my wonderful doctor to please update what postmenopausal women fill out. Question 7. When was your last period? Really? How the hell an I supposed to remember. Look at my chart and you tell me. Question 11. Is there a chance you could be pregnant? Not unless my name is Sarah and I am married to Abraham. Question 13. What is your form of birth control? I wrote, “Old as shit.” My doctor laughed at that one.

While having my exam I learned that I have a very small uterus. Of all the small things to have. I would have preferred a small stomach.

This week I saw my internist. I got questions like, “In the last 12 months had you not had enough to eat.” Please god, can you look at me and tell the answer? To the question, “Have you had thoughts of harming anyone in the last 12 months?” Besides Trump? I asked. That answer gave me a “fully sane” rating on that questionnaire.

Today I had my annual skin check at the dermatologist. My definition of annual was a little longer than normal. Thankfully nothing much grew on me except some hereditary bumps, I blame on my mother, which they could freeze off me. Easier than getting rid of unwanted politicians. I decided I would preserve my readership numbers and not add a photo of any of those things.

After my skin check it was off to lab corp for my regular 8 tube blood draw to check me all out. At least the discussion about those results is usually a phone call so I am done for now. No more ridiculous questions. Hopefully Hippa prevents reporting me to authorities.