Certain Slow Death

Yesterday I was driving home from downtown Durham early in the morning and I noticed a biscuit war between Biscuitville and Hardees had broken out. The little moveable black letter sign outside Biscuitville read, “Best biscuits in town” and not 200 feet down the road the little moveable black letter sign at Hardees read “Fried Bologna & Velveeta Biscuits.”

I got to thinking that assisted suicide is illegal here in this state, yet slow, long drawn out killing by biscuits is apparently legal. Now Biscuitville could change their sign to read, “You can eat more of our biscuits in a lifetime than the other guys,” followed by tiny mice type reading, “As long as you eat a plain biscuit.” And Hardees could change their sign to, “Fried Bologna & Velveeta biscuits, perfect for your mother-in-law.” Tiny mice type, “Who you are tired of having live with you.” Those might be more honest ads. Or if you really wanted to demand total honesty, “We are going to love you to death with our biscuits.”

I feel like Hardees has thrown in the towel as far as ever wanting to have customers who live past the age of forty-five. How much bad can you put on one breakfast sandwich when you are frying an already fat-full piece of bologna and then adding the “cheese product” known as Velveeta that is only made out of oil and does not require refrigeration? I was not even talking about the butter/lard and who knows what else biscuit full of salt.

I checked the sodium content of this morning treat and it has 1030 MG of sodium. The average recommended daily serving is 1200mg. Good luck, there is practically sodium in air, you will surpass your limit before your morning coffee break. That is if you only eat one biscuit and no hash browns. I bet Hardees might even do a two-fer-one deal on those heart stoppers.

I wonder if the makers of the moveable black letter signs make the word “Biscuit” in a premade version so the fast food workers don’t have to figure out how to spell it when putting up the advertisement. I am yet to see one of those signs with the words, “fruit skewer special.”

Really North Carolina, if you are not going to allow assisted suicide for people who are clearly suffering from some heinous aliment, you really should not allow “Fried bologna and Velveeta biscuits.” It’s the same thing, just slower.