When Being Fat Is Better

I like to go to the movies the old fashioned way, in a dark theater.  I like being surrounded by the movie, the big picture, the surround sound.  What I don’t like is being surrounded by people, especially people who have crinkly candy wrappers or are hard of hearing and keep asking their seatmates what the characters on the screen just said.

I like to go to the movies in the middle of the day when everyone else should be at work because I am a lot more likely to have the theater mostly to myself.  I don’t mind going to the movies alone, but I love when I go with friends and we are the only people there.  Then we can talk out loud to each other during the show.

But heaven forbid someone else talks out loud if they are not with me.  That really drives me crazy.  The other thing I will never understand is that when the theatre is empty of everyone but my party and someone else comes in and sits right behind us.  Really?  A few hundred seats to pick from and you feel the need to sit that close to us.  Did I really pick the best vantage point and they want to share in it?

I often offend them by getting up and moving and looking right at them as I do it.  I have been known to tell people that I am moving because of them and I know it is bitchy, but I want them to learn not to sit near me ever again.

See this is one thing I miss about being fat.  No one ever wants to sit next to a fat person in the movies.  They think you are going to spill over into their space and you certainly are going to hog the armrest because you are already some kind of hog.

I’m sure people also think that the fat people are going to make the candy wrapper opening noise because certainly fat people all eat candy at the movies.

Being not so fat and not looking like I might not smell seems to just say, “welcome to the seats around me.”  NO!  Now I have to stand up and sit down a bunch as people are looking for seats and take on as many turrets like symptoms as I can to discourage people from considering my area of the movies.  I know I am only entitled to one seat, but for God’s sake if the place is only 2% full spread out and let us all take domain over four or five seats.  I may have to start wearing a smelly fat suit to the movies.